Humor Quotes

I could have blamed it on the intoxication of youth. Others might find fault on just intoxication. My parents would say that it was an act of plain stupidity. Reality would point out that it was Thursday night at college and the youth are prone to err.

~ Mara Joaquin

Is there a word for when you are young and pretending to have lived and loved a thousand lives? Is there a German word for that? Let's say its schaufenfrieglasploit.

~ Amy Poehler

After that, I’d wanted to date, but I simply didn’t know how. It seemed to come natural to everyone else, pairing up and going out. And now, well, I felt like a nonparticipant, like there was a schedule to be followed and I was so far behind I’d never get caught up.

~ Lesa Howard

One boy's a boy; two boys be half a boy, and three boys be no boy at all', ran the old country saying.

~ Flora Thompson

Youth is when you’re allowed to stay up late on New Year’s Eve. Middle age is when you’re forced to.

~ Bill Vaughn

Ah man. I remember the days of lying to my mother about a boy. Once I had a boy hidden in the closet and of course Mom wouldn't leave, so I finally had to pretend to get sick to my stomach just to get her out of the room long enough for him to climb out the window and down the tree. He fell, broke his leg. Ah, to be young again.

~ Amy Sherman-Palladino

I don't think my mum ever understood my love of Doctor Who. Surely her strongest memory would have been me, standing at the top of the stairs, crying about how the jelly men were going to get me? Sorry, Mum, for those sleepless nights, but it was with good reason they called it Terror of the Zygons.

~ Steve Berry

I had a dream about you, I’ve had multiple dreams about you. If I had to choose between the real you and the dream you then…Goodnight.

~ Rodney Jenkins

What do you think dignity's all about?'The directness of the inquiry did, I admit, take me rather by surprise. 'It's rather a hard thing to explain in a few words, sir,' I said. 'But I suspect it comes down to not removing one's clothing in public.

~ Kazuo Ishiguro

For with dandies, a joke is the only way of making yourself respected.

~ Jules Barbey D'aurevilly

to whom it may concern: please phone me for appointments when you want to see me. I will not answer unsolicited knocks upon the door. I need time to do my work. I will not allow you to murder my work. please understand that what keeps me alive will make me a better person toward and for you when we finally meet under easy and unstrained conditions.

~ Charles Bukowski

If your self-respect's for sale, don't complain when someone tries to bargain.

~ K.d. Harp

Boomerang arrow, Kate -- It comes back to you in the end. Boomerang. Respect it.

~ Matt Fraction

There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age. I missed it coming and going.

~ J.b. Priestley

His Majesty, may he live forever and prosper greatly...His Majesty, may sun finches warble sweet melodies in his ear...His Majesty, may orchids bloom in the wake of his passing...His Majesty, may minstrels compose epics at the sound of his glorious name...His Majesty, may his magnificent sword shatter the breasts of his enemies...

~ Rae Carson

A pair of dolphins swept by us in the water, flicking their heads out to get a look at us as they went. One of them made a chittering sound that wasn't very melodic. The other twitched its tail and splashed a little water our way, all in good fun. They weren't the attractive Flipper kind of dolphins. They were regular dolphins that aren't as pretty and don't get cast on television. Maybe they just refused to sell out and see a plastic surgeon. I held up a fist to them. Represent.

~ Jim Butcher

Into the face of the young man who sat on the terrace of the Hotel Magnifique at Cannes there had crept a look of furtive shame, the shifty hangdog look which announces that an Englishman is about to speak French.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

I tried all kinds of approaches: sexy, friendly, intimidating—nothing worked. I’m starting to think there’s an invisible force field that prevents honest communication between X and Y chromosomes.

~ Jody Gehrman

I have something to tell you.How, you have something to tell me?You have understood me exactly.Well, I am listening.Listening? Then, you wish me to tell you?Yes, that is it. I am listening, and therefore I wish you to tell me.Shall I tell you now?No.

~ Steven Brust

Try saying this: 'What's true for me today is that I have angry feelings concerning what I heard you say when you said what you said. It reminds me of what my mother said when she said what she said, and that hurts me so that's where I'm at with this, and it's not all right with me for today.' This should help to avoid a lot of communication problems.

~ Judith Stone

I can talk for a long time only when it's about something boring.

~ Lydia Davis

Phones with numerical keypads worked best for dialing phone calls. Incidentally, phone calls tend to be the primary function of a phone. 'Smartphones' completely ignore these basic facts, resulting in some of the least intelligent devices I've seen yet. Oh the irony.

~ Ashly Lorenzana

He opened the first letter, No Dear Mr. Woods. It was a page full of profanities. There was something oddly refreshing about honest, to-the-point hate mail. No hypocrisy and forced politeness. Too many letters ripped you to shreds, then closed off 'Sincerely yours.

~ Randy Alcorn

I've been watching you ever since you came into town, and you never gave a single sign that you were interested in her. That's why I made a move. If I couldn't tell, neither can she.I'm very bad at co

~ Dan Wells

To speak much is one thing, to speak to the point another!

~ Sophocles

When you are standing in the middle of a storm you have two choices: Pray to God that it goes away. Or, start praying to God that he gives you the wisdom to figure out why you're standing in the middle of a storm.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Extroverts communicate well with others, Introverts communicate well with themselves

~ Pablo

The key to Lincoln's famous employment of humor is not that he failed to appreciate the tragic aspects of human existence, but rather that he felt these with such keeness that some relief was required.

~ Elton Trueblood

Make a concise statement clearly and you should only need to say it once.

~ Mary Mihalic

Humor is a social lubricant that helps us get over some of the bad spots.

~ Steve Allen

She told me she loved me. She told me a lot of things. Some of those things were true, and some of those may or may not have been true. It’s kind of hard to tell, because to be honest, I wasn’t listening.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

We had an unspoken love for one another. Probably because she’d never talk to me or return my phone calls or texts.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

I grunted. It's something I picked up over a fifteen-year career in law enforcement. Men have managed to create a complex and utterly impenetrable secret language consisting of monosyllabic sounds and partial words—and they are apparently too thick to realize it exists. Maybe they really are from Mars. I'd been able to learn a few Martian phrases over time, and one of the useful ones was the grunt that meant I acknowledge that I've heard what you said; please continue.

~ Jim Butcher

[Jules] slides into a seat beside me with her hot lunch tray, sighing. “Four hours, thirty-six minutes, and twelve seconds till we’re out of purgatory for the weekend.”“Maybe later,” I murmur, still distracted by the day’s previous events.“So, let me show you how a conversation works. I say something, and then you say something back that actually relates to what I was talking about, as if you were even the least bit interested.” “Huh?” I say.

~ Jodi Picoult

Remember, man does not live on bread alone: sometimes he needs a little buttering up.

~ John C. Maxwell

I told you growing starts from the inside first, honey, and in that way, you've been growing like wildfire.

~ Phoebe Stone

You'd tell the world what your best friend wore to sleep if you thought it made a good enough story.

~ Patricia Briggs

It's a very remarkable story.Remarkable's a well-chosen word. It doesn't give you away.

~ James Hilton

machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

~ Alan Moore

Don't think about the writing process too much. Just do one thing: tell the motherfucking story.

~ Don Roff