Humor Quotes

Merkin had used only one drop of the “just soap.” Two drops would have made her Master walk slightly awkwardly. Three drops would have made a Victorian gentleman utter something really lustful, such as “you transfix me quite.

~ Sorin Suciu

Master: When a human being asks 'WHO AM I?', the honest answer is eternal silence.Disciple: Do we make noise to feel that silence, Master?

~ Saurabh Sharma

Scientists want to search for alien signals because that's what gets them publicity. They are like Jesus Christ.Jesus Christ? Nambodri asked, with a faintly derogatory chuckle.Yes. They are exactly like Jesus Christ. You know that he turned water into wine.I've heard that story.From the point of view of pure chemistry, it is more miraculous to make wine into water than water into wine. But he did not do that. Because if he had gone to someone's house and converted their wine into water, they would have crucified him much earlier. He knew, Jana. He knew making water into wine was a more popular thing to do.

~ Manu Joseph

But that reminds me – and stop me if you've heard this one – of the day Jesus was watching the gates for St. Peter. Anyway, Jesus is giving him a hand one day when a man walks shuffling up to the path of Heaven. “ ‘What have you done to enter the kingdom of Heaven?’ Jesus asks him. “And the man says, ‘Well, not much really. I’m just a poor carpenter who led a quiet life. The only remarkable thing about my life was my son.’ “ ‘Your son?’ Jesus asks, getting interested. “ ‘Yes, he was quite a son,’ the man says. ‘He went through a most unusual birth and later a great transformation. He also became quite well known throughout the world and is still loved by many today.’ “Christ looks at the man, embraces him tightly, and says ‘Father, father!’ “And the old man hugs him back and says, ‘Pinocchio?

~ Daniel Wallace

I recommend you don't attend the wheat and chaff bonfire.

~ M.j. Mcguire

Today someone asked me if that old stereotype about hot-headed Italians is true. I answered this way: About 2,000 years ago, there was a guy running around hollering about peace & love ... and we nailed his ass to a cross! (Hope that answers your fuckin' question!)

~ Quentin R. Bufogle

The irony of rule followers is they often quote a lot of people that do not follow as many rules as they do.

~ Shannon L. Alder

I recall the story of the philosopher and the theologian... The two were engaged in disputation and the theologian used the old quip about a philosopher resembling a blind man, in a dark room, looking for a black cat — which wasn't there. ‘That may be,’ said the philosopher, ‘but a theologian would have found it.

~ Julian Huxley

An educated theologian: someone who's better at rationalizing what they're pretending to know.

~ Peter Boghossian

Hell was grey. Dim and lifeless... I felt numb and in pain at the same time and that was not supposed to happen in heaven. But you would think that with all the queers they had sent here since time began, hell would have a better decorating job.

~ J.m. Redmann

The monitor presently shows the Windows Blue Screen of Death, though this does not alarm him, as the BSoD is the universal screen saver in Hell.

~ Robert Olen Butler

Are you taking us to hell? I ask, and Denise answers with an ominous, More or less.

~ Amy Mcauley

Ye know, doan't ye, what it feels like when ye burn yer hand in takin' a cake out of the oven or wi'a match when ye're lightin' one of they godless cigarettes? Ay. It stings wi' a fearful pain, doan't it? And ye run away to clap a bit o' butter on it to take the pain away. Ah, but' (an impressive pause) 'there'll be no butter in hell!

~ Stella Gibbons

Hell’s got IT?Yes, of course. Who do you think invented Candy Crush?

~ Gwynn Marssen

There is a rule in Hell: Don’t trust anyone who takes time out of their day to help you.

~ Heather Heffner

There was a hell for blasphemers. There was a hell for disputers of rightful authority. There were a number of hells for liars. There was probably a hell for little boys who wished their grandmothers were dead. There were more than enough hells to go around.

~ Terry Pratchett

I smile thinly, to make it clear that this will happen when hell turns into a family friendly summer resort.

~ Lauren Beukes

If there's a place for me in Hell I hope it's next to someone like you

~ Stanley Victor Paskavich

alone but trying to survive alone.

~ Ujjawal Patel

Today I am amused, and I haven't seen anyone yet.

~ Aleksandra Ninkovic

Sorry I painted the word 'twat' on your garage door.

~ David Shrigley

My handling of the situation with Jake proved that I was the same girl from eight years ago. I'd just gained a stone and lost my love for Shayne Ward.

~ Lynsey James

Love passed me by and I failed to get the plates.

~ Amanda Mosher

After that came her biggie: a triple murder--her dealer, the dealer's sister, and the dealer's sister's boyfriend.Reading that made me feel a little funny that we'd fucked and I'd loved her.

~ George Saunders

Embroidery? I sucked at embroidery. Aunt Hyacinth had tried to teach me, but we'd both given it up as a lost cause.Lucy, strangely, had picked it up really quickly and embroidered a tapestry of Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow for my last birthday.

~ Alyxandra Harvey

Illium, his expression subdued as it had been for too many days, turned to her. “Mind if I have a go?”“Kick his ass.”Stripping off his shirt and boots, Illium held out his hand for one of Venom’s blades. Lips curving, Venom passed it over. “Sure you can handle me, pretty, pretty Bluebell?”“Did I ever tell you about my snakeskin boots?” A savage grin, and she knew Venom was about to bear the brunt of whatever haunted the blue-winged angel.Venom swirled his blade in hand. “I do think I need some new feathers for my pillow.

~ Nalini Singh

I glanced at George half naked in his towel, then at Barkley, completely naked in his . . . nothing. A vampire and a werewolf. I shook my head. It was obvious. I was having one of my Anita Blake dreams again.

~ Michelle Rowen

Most of the funeral stuff is going to be done during daylight hours,” I said. “I’m not even going to be able to attend the burial. Humans get upset when vampires burst into flames right next to them.

~ Molly Harper

Cole - I just thought of a new game.Jaz - What's that?Cole - Splat the Specter.Jaz - Rules?Cole - You can help me make them up. Right now all I know for sure is that it involves water guns filled with grape Kool-Aid and two ferrets named Biff and Chlamydia.Vayl - Why Ferrets?Jaz - Really? You want to know about his choice of pets when he's named one of them after an STD?

~ Jennifer Rardin

In a werewolf pack, you cannot interfere with the mate choice of a clan fellow. You cannot intentionally harm that werewolf’s chosen mate. You are not, however, required to help that person should he find himself in a life - threatening situation.Somehow, Zeb had managed to stumble into several such situations in the few months since he ’d been engaged to Jolene. He’d had several hunting “accidents” while visiting the McClaine farm, even though he didn’t hunt. The brakes on his car had failed while he was driving home from the farm—twice. Also, a running chainsaw mysteriously fell on him from a hayloft.He would never get that pinkie toe back.

~ Molly Harper

Before you go,mate,turn on the telly. Something raunchy too. Think I'll rub off one before I go to sleep

~ Jeaniene Frost

The scent of growth, quiet and green, hung heavy in the air. I heard everything. I saw everything. I could count the craters on the moon. I could count every mosquito buzz past, bypassing my tender skin out of respect for a fellow bloodsucker.

~ Molly Harper

Welcome to the fascinating world of the undead! Please use this guidebook as ahandy reference as you make your first steps toward eternity. Inside you will findinformation on vampire nutrition, relationships, and safety. But before learningabout your future, a word about our past…—From The Guide for the Newly Undead

~ Molly Harper

I had two cups of coffee, put Eric's jeans in the washer, read a romance for awhile, and studied my brand-new Word of the Day calendar, a Christmas gift from Arlene. My first word of the New Year was 'exsanguinate.' This was probably not a good omen.

~ Charlaine Harris

And what about us? Do you want a vampire boyfriend? He laughed bitterly. Because I forsee many romantic picnics in our future. You, drinking a virgin piña colada. Me, drinking the blood of a virgin.

~ Cassandra Clare

I had lied so much lately that I was honestly surprised my pants weren't literally made of fire.

~ Michelle Rowen

Couldn’t you hypnotize her or something?It doesn’t work like that.I thought vampires were all sex gods with the ladies.Cade looked at him. What gave you that idea?Uh ... late-night TV, mostly ...Humans are our food. Do you want to have sex with a cow?

~ Christopher Farnsworth

A line of perspiration slipped down my spine like a waterslide at an unamusement park.

~ Michelle Rowen

He gives me the hairy eyeball, and asks me to help him find his pancreas.

~ A. Lee Martinez

I mean, electric shock? Isn’t that a bit... electric shock-y?

~ Emmett Spain