Humor Quotes

Santa was dead, to begin with. There was no doubt whatsoever about that. The after-action report was signed by the field commander, the director of operations, the secretary of the Office of Sidhe Affairs, and the chief battle-mage. Janus had signed it — and Janus’s word could be counted upon for anything he chose to put his name to. Old Saint Nicholas, the Sidhe Lord of the Yuletide, was as dead as a door-nail.It didn’t stick.

~ Chris Lester

Calvin: Dear Santa, before I submit life to your scrutiny, I demand to know who made YOU the matter of my fate?! Who are YOU to question my behavior, HUH??? What gives you the right?! Hobbes: Santa makes the toys, so he gets to decide who to give them to.Calvin: Oh.

~ Bill Watterson

Dave put a lot of thought into picking out the books his dad would like least.

~ Theric Jepson

He sees me when I'm lying. He hears me when I flirt.

~ Candace Jane Kringle

I am not perfect, but if I looked perfect to everyone I must have been rocking imperfect perfectly to a few imperfect souls that seek imperfection vs. perfection, in an imperfect world where God asks us to seek perfection for our imperfect souls.

~ Shannon L. Alder

I had a dream that I was perfect…I woke up and was still perfect. Aw.

~ Starley Ard

This boy was so far out of my league it was embarrassing. I found myself staring at him, trying to find some minute flaw that might justify dragging him back to my level. Finding nothing, I decided that having a dimple on only one cheek was practically a deformity.

~ G.j. Walker-Smith

Bashere shrugged, grinning brhind his grey-streaked moustaches, When I first slept in a saddle, Muad Cheade was Marshal-General. The man was as mad as a hare in spring thaw. Twice every day he searched his bodyservant for poison, and he drank nothing but vinegar and water which he claimed was sovereign against the poison the fellow fed him, but he ate everything the man prepared for as long as I knew him. Once he had a grove of oaks chopped down because they were looking at him. And then insisted they be given decent funerals; he gave the oration. Do you have any idea how long it takes to dig graves for twenty-three oak trees? Why didn't somebody do something? His Family? Those not as mad as him, or madder, were afraid to look at him sideways. Tenobia's father wouldn't have let anyone touch Cheade anyway. He might have been insane, but he could outgeneral anyone I ever saw. He never lost a battle. He never even came close to losing.

~ Robert Jordan

The most work he did on [the urinals] was to run a brush once or twice apiece, singing some song as loud as he could in time to the swishing brush; then he'd splash in some Clorox and he'd be through. ... And when the Big Nurse...came in to check McMurphy's cleaning assignment personally, she brought a little compact mirror and she held it under the rim of the bowls. She walked along shaking her head and saying, Why, this is an outrage... an outrage... at every bowl. McMurphy sidled right along beside her, winking down his nose and saying in answer, No; that's a toilet bowl...a TOILET bowl.

~ Ken Kesey

Sometimes I wonder if the human race isn't collectively as mad as a sack of door knobs.

~ Jasper Fforde

We yearn for a stranger to poke around in our heart. Such an irrational thing it is. Flutter once and lunacy behold.

~ H.s. Crow

Going mad is the beginning of a process. It is not supposed to be the end result.

~ Jeanette Winterson

There is a difference between being mad and being surrounded by retards.

~ Blanco

In a town like London there are always plenty of not quite certifiable lunatics walking the streets, and they tend to gravitate towards bookshops, because a bookshop is one of the few places where you can hang about for a long time without spending any money.

~ George Orwell

Not all. Some of them he probably lectured to death.

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Because he was English and that's what the English do under stress: they drink tea.

~ Cynthia Hand

Mars and my own stupidity keep trying to kill me.

~ Andy Weir

many men are neither worthy of their wives, nor of their dogs.

~ Charlotte Mary Yonge

It's like they've forgotten everything important, isn't it? I mean, forgotten things like cats and dancing exist.

~ Katherine Rundell

Love has a way of making the sane insane and the insane normal.

~ Shannon L. Alder

-I'm stubborn not stupid. There's a fine line between the two. Stupid people think they're right when they're wrong. Stubborn people know they're wrong but won't admit it.

~ K. Mitch

First things first, though, I thought, and headed straight for the liquor cabinet. Times like this call for straight scotch, no rocks.

~ Susan Toy

Be kind to everyone, everyone is going through something

~ Mary Elizabeth Owens

People blame science. Shit, man, people shouldn’t blame science. People should blame people.

~ Mira Grant

But if there was a protocol for how to say goodbye to your newly ex-boyfriend's brother, right after you kissed him and probably sent your ex into the arms of his willing ex-girlfriend, I didn't know what it was.

~ Rachel Vincent

We fiction writers are a brazen lot, are we not? For we, in our passion, embrace just enough truth to consecrate our delicately contrived lies.

~ Val Edward Simone

To tell you the truth. I am a wild and passionate novelist. I am therefore easily given over to telling wild and passionate lies.

~ Val Edward Simone

You had to stand in line to hate him.

~ Hedda Hopper

Twinkle twinkle little star, I want to hit you with a car. Throw you off a bridge so high,Hope you break your neck and die.

~ Katelyn Lillis

I hate Risk. I have for many years now. I hate that you still like Risk. I hate that you guilt me into playing with you because no one else will. I hate that you do the accents of the countries you’re attacking from. And I hate that you wear a beret every time we play. God, do I hate the beret.

~ Colin Nissan

Most people who spew hatred aren’t very intelligent or motivated. They tend to be lazy, and if for some reason they are coaxed into picking up a pen, their messages are mostly incoherent and largely illiterate.

~ Damien Echols

My only companion from the outside world during nineteen years of isolation has been my personal hatred of Thursday Next. It's kind of like the old me suddenly taking over, and I promised myself that this was how I would act if I ever saw you.' 'I have the same thing, but with Tom Stoppard,' I said. 'You'd kill Tom Stoppard?' 'Not at all. I promised myself many years ago that I would throw myself at his feet and scream I'm not worthy! if I ever met him, so now if we're ever at the same party or something, I have to be at pains to avoid him. It would be undignified, you see—for him and for me.

~ Jasper Fforde

Cassidy continued to rub his chest and groaned at Ollie pleadingly. “I dont like it. Make it stop.”“Its just love, sweetie. It wont kill you. I promi

~ Ethan Day

Some folks say that you can’t get rid of a problem until you shuck it. So, brother, let’s start shucking.

~ Richard Puz

His eyes are peculiar. There is nothing in them, like an eclair without the cream filling. It's wrong, lack of cream.

~ Gail Carriger

You have two eyes, and two ears, but only one mouth. This is so because you are supposed to look and listen more than you talk.

~ Lucca Kaldahl

I watch what I eat every day. I mean, who actually eats with their eyes closed?

~ Brian Celio

Burn, baby, burn,” she muttered in a hard, satisfied voice.I cleared my throat. “As much as I hate to interrupt the supreme satisfaction you’re taking in watching the mansion blaze to the ground, I’d reallylike to get out of here before the whole house collapses on top of us.

~ Jennifer Estep

The very last thing I needed was fire burning through my palms.

~ L S May

Writing a first-draft battle scene is akin to real combat—chaos, confusion, and you must keep your cool as you fire word bullets downrange.

~ Don Roff