Humor Quotes

Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.

~ Evan Esar

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

~ Woody Allen

A generous donor (who had no doubt lived a life that imperiled his mortal soul) had granted [the Sisters] more than one hundred waterfront acres.

~ Kristin Hannah

Just because you act a little guilty doesn't mean you're innocent.

~ Charlie Chan

With all her finesse for cleaning, Snag sometimes felt that her biggest contribution to mankind was making a mess of things.

~ Seré Prince Halverson

Certain brands of guilt can be inculcated in a secular way but other brands of guilt can only be obtained with reference to the metaphysical.

~ Sarah Ruhl

In the Code of Canon Law, it states clearly: 'A person who is conscious of grave sin is not to celebrate Mass or receive the body of the Lord without previous sacramental confession.' I haven’t attended confession in well over a decade, and that’s less because of dogmatic conflict than it is because of moral cowardice. Deeper than that, maybe I don’t want to be forgiven. I want to be punished. Which may be just about the most selfish, egotistical thought I’ve ever had. I’m sick with self-love. Or self-loathing. After all, they’re both essentially the same thing.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

If you owe ten pounds to the Bank of England, you get thrown in jail, but if you owe a million pounds, they invite you to sit on the Board

~ Philippe Riès

Instead of stocks investors should invest in blankets, that way they’ll at least have something to keep them warm after they’ve lost all their money when the company goes under.

~ Amy Sommers

A company could use bricks to measure their growth rate. How many bricks have angry investors thrown at you lately? If the answer is none, then your growth rate is probably pretty good… for the moment.

~ Amy Sommers

There is no romance without finance.

~ John Fox

Ignorance is bliss, except when it hurts

~ Paul Knott

Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!

~ Terry Pratchett

Not much more than a broke disgrace who's hooked on tonics, so excuse him if his poker face has puke on it.

~ Hannibal Lecture

Lhyn watched her with a smile. “You do realize that’s your fourth cup and it’s not even midmeal. Shouldn’t you be starting a bit lower than full addict level?” “I am a full addict; what’s the use in pretending? Besides, it’s only three and a half cups.

~ Fletcher Delancey

You know you are a human when a beautiful image appearing on television/computer/smartphone/tab screen appears more alive than a living being.Basically, we are stupid.

~ Saurabh Sharma

[On writing Jeeves and Wooster stories]:You tell yourself that you can take Jeeves stories or leave them alone, that one more can't possibly hurt you, because you know you can pull up whenever you feel like it, but it is merely wish-full thinking. The craving has gripped you and there is no resisting it.You have passed the point of no return.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Hello, my name is Jaako and I am an addict. I am addicted to reading.

~ Jaako J. Wallenius

I saw myself driving through Eternity in a timeless taxi.

~ Katherine Mansfield

What if two people want to be your partner, then what?

~ Emily Giffin

BOTTOMThere are things in this comedy of Pyramus and Thisby that will never please. First, Pyramus must draw a sword to kill himself; which the ladiescannot abide. How answer you that?SNOUTBy'r lakin, a parlous fear.STARVELINGI believe we must leave the killing out, when all is done.BOTTOMNot a whit: I have a device to make all well.Write me a prologue; and let the prologue seem tosay, we will do no harm with our swords, and thatPyramus is not killed indeed; and, for the morebetter assurance, tell them that I, Pyramus, am notPyramus, but Bottom the weaver: this will put themout of fear.QUINCEWell, we will have such a prologue; and it shall bewritten in eight and six.BOTTOMNo, make it two more; let it be written in eight and eight.

~ William Shakespeare

I said the first thing that came into my head unfortunately. Save the drama for your mama I told her just like an eleven-year-old.

~ Charlaine Harris

I'm so much more scared of white guys than black guys. Like an angry black guys would pull out a gun and be like 'Yo, I'm coming back with my cousins and we're gonna funck you up' and a white guy would be like just 'BANG'!

~ Jeremy Iversen

Frustration, arousal, fury, hurt. That was the emotional cocktail I drank every time we spent more than five minutes together.

~ Devi Ansevi

I'm already in hell, what else you got?

~ Evelyn Smith

Oh, come on. Drama is just life with the dull bits cut out.”“Well, I’m ready for a long patch of boredom.

~ D.l. Orton

If we really exist merely to fulfill God’s plan: then life is a television drama; with God being the scriptwriter, the director, and, the audience.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Of course, in my mind, violence would have been better, but since that wasn’t an option, I decided to play along. “It’s okay, handsome. I’ve only been here a few minutes. I’d like to introduce you to Dick.”“No, it’s…” Richard tried to correct me only to be interrupted by Drew.“Nice to meet you, Dick,” Drew retorted.

~ Jeanne Mcdonald

They said her duck recipe and the Chinese music were so dramatic everything else sounded anemic.

~ Frank Mccourt

And we all know how ladies get minks . . .”Popsy and Sandra chorused the answer together. “The same way minks get minks!

~ Suzy Duffy

I'm trying to keep your safe! Puck exploded, whirling on me. His eyes feverish, and I shrank back. This isn't a game, Meghan! The shit is about to hit the fan, and you're right in the middle of it without knowing enough to duck!

~ Julie Kagawa

You remember having friends who used to lampoon the world so effortlessly, crouching at the verge of every joke and waiting to pounce on it, and you remember how they changed as they grew older and the joy of questioning everything slowly became transformed into the pain of questioning everything, like a star consuming its own core.

~ Kevin Brockmeier

I'm growing fonder of my staff; I'm growing dimmer in my eyes; I'm growing fainter in my laugh; I'm growing deeper in my sighs; I'm growing careless of my dress; I'm growing frugal of my gold; I'm growing wise; I'm growing--yes,-- I'm growing old.

~ John Godfrey Saxe

My friends scoffed at my anxiety and said dumb things like, 'Fifty is the new forty!' Which just made me realize that there are a whole lot of other people who suck at math as bad as I do. No. Fifty is fifty.

~ Celia Rivenbark

Old is always fifteen years from now.

~ Bill Cosby

I think she is going to find you too old... Yes that was it, the moment she said it I knew it was true, and the revelation caused me no surprise, it was like the echo of a dull, not unexpected shock. The age difference was the last taboo, the final limit, all the stronger for the fact that it remained the last and had replaced all the others. In the modern world you could be a swinger, bi, trans, zoo into S&M, but it was forbidden to be old.

~ Michel Houellebecq

When Mama starts to move across a room, people pay attention. You can never be sure she's not going to grab you by the top of the head to steady herself. And she's pretty free with that walking stick, too.

~ Bailey White

I Didn't Ask to Be a Senior Citizen (I Was Drafted)

~ Doug Jensen

I need to stop saying LMAO because that is precisely what's happening; I wish I could rewind time by two decades, immortalize my derriere in wax, and then kiss it goodbye.

~ Donna Lynn Hope

I tan the easy way. I just wait for my liver spots to connect.

~ Martha Bolton