Humorous Quotes Quotes

I had a maternal instinct once, it lasted 48 hours

~ Sharon Law Tucker

C'mon. We can turn it into a fun game - What's Scarier, The Basement Or The Attic?

~ Darcy Coates

We know already ample experience that it does not require much cleverness or much learning to be a governor, for there are a hundred round about us that scarcely know how to read.

~ Miguel De Cervantes Saavedra

She looked out and saw a tall and comely woman beckoning to her. Susannah's first look at Mia in the flesh astounded her, because the chap's mother was *white.* Apparently Odetta-that-was now had a Caucasian side to her personality and how that must frost Detta Walker's racially sensitive butt!

~ Stephen King

You probably drink too much. If you hand me that bottle, I'll reduce your temptations. --Augustus Gus McCrae

~ Larry Mcmurtry

I’ve been focusing on my career. I’ve had no time. That’s why I wanted to go out this weekend. I’ve been storing that shit up like a sexual camel. At this point I’d probably just walk into the bar, blow my load all over the room like a fire hose, and walk out.

~ Darien Cox

And now here I was in McDonald's again for the first time since my earlier fracas. I vowed to behave myself, but McDonald's is just too much for me. I ordered a chicken sandwich and a Diet Coke.'Do you want fries with that?' the young man serving me asked.I hesitated for a moment, and in a pained but patient tone said: 'No. That's why I didn't ask for fries, you see.''We're just told to ask like,' he said.'When I want fries, generally I say something like, I would like some fries, too, please. That's the system I use.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated.'Do you need to know the other things I don't want? It is quite a long list. In fact, it is everything you serve except for the two things I asked for.''We're just told to ask like,' he repeated yet again, but in a darker voice, and deposited my two items on a tray and urged me, without the least hint of sincerity, to have a nice day.I realized that I probably wasn't quite ready for McDonald's yet.

~ Bill Bryson

Are you sure you have enough sweetener in that? I could offer to conscript the rest of the cubes from the galley for you.

~ K.l. Tharp

I don’t really believe in aliens. I like to think of them as planet challenged.

~ Echo Shea

Look here, my boy, if you have average intelligence, about half the things you do are bound to be right, which is a fair achievement for any career. Don't spend sleepless nights over them.

~ R.p. Noronha

Noronha's Laws1. No man works harder than he must.2. The joy of living, lies in making little things big.3. Try never to do what you do not want to do. The secret of a happy old age is in never doing what you do not want to do.

~ R.p. Noronha

Love yourself’ the social horde spouts from on high, mere moments later they frown at a bypassing narcissist.

~ Kevin Focke

What level of personal are we talking about? she mumbled. I don't mind discussing my periods in graphic detail, but I'm probably going to stay quiet about the jar of fingernail clippings I carry with me at all times.

~ Darcy Coates

Shakespeare was so ahead of his time that people still don't talk that way.

~ Rod Longuestte

When things are going really well, we should take time to notice it.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

I’m not sure this is what we bargained for, boy. We expected the girl to be attractive.”If I hadn’t been so terrified, I would have been insulted.

~ Danielle L. Jensen

I nurture very good intentions about you. May you die in peace.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

It was the time of year that makes every poet’s heart sing and every lawyer question their life choices.

~ Portia Porter

He is the biggest asshole on the planet,” Jarod says. “And in a planet that’s currently drowning in assholes, that’s saying a lot.

~ Siobhan Davis

I remember the teacher telling us that Ukraine was part of the Soviet Union, alongside Russia. “The Soviet Union is the largest and most glorious empire that the world has ever seen,” the teacher lectured. “We’re all proud comrades. We’re all like brothers. We’re so lucky to be part of the greatest nation that has ever existed. We love our country and our country loves us like a mother loves her children.

~ Carlito Sofer

Many young athletes joined the gangs instead of aspiring to gold medals in the Olympics. You could easily discern the kind of sport they did by their body shape and injuries. Well-built with a broken nose - a boxer.Broad shoulders with torn ears - a wrestler. Enormous muscles with little to no brain - a bodybuilder. Short with broad shoulders and a quadratic head - a weightlifter.

~ Carlito Sofer

I guess 'joint' would imply two people had ownership, which, thanks Life, is simply no longer the case.

~ Ann Benjamin

I can't seem to recall if I've ever had amnesia before.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

My partner and I were going to renew our vowels, but the consonants revolted.

~ Stewart Lee Beck

Is it a lucky break if you get run over by an ambulance?

~ Stewart Lee Beck

I shall tell you about God once you've reached your imaginary heaven. Then, give me a call.

~ Fakeer Ishavardas

One of my favorite quotes is:... If I strike you it ain't going to be in your fancy.

~ Shannon Stacey

Life is not for understanding or to known rather it is for living & only for living

~ Nitin Yaduvanshi

Three things happened in 1945. Daddy went missing, Annie started wetting the bed, and the Lester girl sang about Hitler in the middle of Sunday service.

~ Sarina Adeline

Well done girl, I . . I admire your treachery.' Ecruba hissed at Edith.

~ Anna Moore

Cats, of course, are easier to make fun of. The cutest cat is still a freak. Where
dogs are sympathetic, almost tragic, figures, cats are pure comedy. Dogs are your
buddies, cats are entertainment They're like a TV show. There's nothing funnier than when a cat falls off of something. When a dog falls down a couple of stairs, you rush to it and console it. But when a cat does it, it's funny—you point at it and laugh (which they don't like, incidentally).

~ Darby Conley

Riding in a carriage without an escort is modern. But traveling out and about unescorted is unheard of.

~ Jordan Stratford

Just forget for a minute that you have spectacles on your nose and autumn in your heart. Stop being tough at your desk and stammering with timidity in the presence of people. Imagine for one second that you raise hell in public and stammer on paper. You’re a tiger, a lion, a cat. You spend a night with a Russian woman and leave her satisfied. You’re twenty five. If rings had been fastened to the earth and sky, you’d have seized them and pulled the sky down to earth

~ Isaac Babel

In other words, he was the tree in the forest that silently fell--when no one was around to be crushed.

~ Kresley Cole

But Princess Magnolia wore glass slippers on weekdays. Princess Magnolia was afraid of snails. Sunlight made Princess Magnolia sneeze. And at the moment, the Princess in Black was hog-tying a monster.

~ Shannon Hale

Byron said once of the sea: ‘The monsters of the deep are made; each zone obeys thee; thou goest forth, dread, fathomless, alone,’ yet Sebastian called it, ‘A place where nobody beat us, fry us and eat us in fricassee’. Each to their own.

~ Nick John Whittle

Men fight like men. Women fight like unchained demons.

~ Heather Blanton

At this point I came across one of the vending machines that only Japan has. I have to admit that I love the whimsical items sold in such appliances, like all sorts of junk food, beer cans, whisky bottles and even underwear. This particular machine sold both whisky and underwear, which truly is a bizarre combination, or maybe not, considering all the underwear were female panties. It was therefore my theory that older men would come by and buy the whisky, and then when they were drunk and young women passed by, the men would then offer them panties as gifts for sexual favours. Ya, it all made perfect sense to me.

~ Andrew James Pritchard

Some people are born without souls and will never evolve.

~ Jay S. Coreman

You know?” he asked.“Yes. I know what I am.”“You – you do?”“I’m a time traveler.

~ Darynda Jones