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Humorous Quotes Quotes

Humorous Quotes quote from classy quote

His overactive charm poured out like a lone drainage pipe after a flash flood.

~ Lida Sideris

Lida Sideris Humorous Quotes Mystery Novels

I measure my days by the number of homicidal thoughts I have. I only had two today. So it must have been good.

~ Lida Sideris

Lida Sideris Humorous Quotes Mystery Novels

You have heard about the reindeer that pull old Santa's sled. But mostly I hate Rudolph and wish that he were dead. With his nose of red which we all know just can't be true. I wish someone would just kill him, that someone could be you. He is Santa's favorite and to the front he can be found. Instead of his red nose, I think it should be brown. He believes that Santa likes him and thinks that he's a winner. But Santa Claus has other plans he wants Rudolph for his dinner. Old Saint Nick is greedy this I know without a doubt. What else do you think happens to all the great toys we go without?He takes them and he breaks them be cause he doesn't care a bit. To me it doesn't matter, Why, he can keep his Schict.Yes' it's true that I hate Santa too, dressed in his suit of silk. That's why this year with the homemade cookies, I'm going to leave some poison milk.

~ Mark W. Boyer

Mark W. Boyer Christmas Funny And Random Funny Quotes Humorous Quotes Santa Claus

He had a bushy unibrow that could house a family of quail.

~ Lida Sideris

Lida Sideris Humorous Quotes Mystery Novels

If you don't think you have enough problems, you should acquire a mammal in Sweden just hours before you're about to fly home to the other side of the world, and then insist that the animal must come along in your luggage.

~ Jonas Jonasson

Jonas Jonasson Humorous Quotes

I've found that all it usually takes to draw out an engineer is to ask a couple of technical questions and then remain calm while listening to the answers. Most people tend to take on a blank, frightened look as soon as they realize that a technical explanation is under way; if you can resist giving this reaction and simply listen, your engineer will open up and tell you everything you ever wanted to know.

~ Margaret Lazarus Dean

Margaret Lazarus Dean Engineers Humorous Quotes

Finish is a laundry powder. I feel guilty when I finish a book.

~ Jeremy Lee

Jeremy Lee Humorous Quotes

You soon know the difference between a real newspaper and an electronic one as soon as a fly won't leave you alone.

~ Jeremy Lee

Jeremy Lee Humorous Quotes

I swear by the self-assurance with which elderly men sitting in public tilt sideways to allow the gas to escape loudly.

~ Pawan Mishra

Pawan Mishra Fart Flatulence Funny Quotes Humorous Quotes Self Assurance Swearing

Fainting is for preteen girls and those really weird goats. I do not faint!

~ Melissa F. Olson

Melissa F. Olson Humorous Quotes

The evidence suggests that you would be more likely to select the tempting chocolate cake when your mind is loaded with digits. System 1 has more influence on behavoir when System 2 is busy, and it has a sweet tooth.

~ Kahneman Daniel

Kahneman Daniel Humorous Quotes Science Sociology

You have to be careful to kill a fly that is perched on your scrotum.

~ Ghana

Ghana Humorous Philosophy Humorous Quotes Wisdom

Well, I've got tomorrow morning off, so I thought I might spend that thinking about her. Basically, my plan is to maybe just romantically obsess over her but not really do anything about it.

~ Christopher Shevlin

Christopher Shevlin Funny Humorous Quotes

Just because someone’s a pain in the ass in life, doesn’t mean when they’re dead, we shouldn’t be respectful.

~ M. Judeth Nelson

M. Judeth Nelson Humorous Quotes Truisms Humor

Can a person really love someone so deeply after only a week? Hello? Cliche much for insta-love?

~ Christy Pastore

Christy Pastore Humorous Quotes Insta Love Love Quotes Romance Love

She was called a cook, but there was no real evidence she had even a small amount of ability to do this. Every meal, no matter how much you thought you liked it before, would be ruined forever after having one of Margery’s slop versions of it. Burger and Chips or Lasagne, as Mike liked, were gruesomely murdered by the time Margery had used the ingredients (and added some special ones of her own!) to deliver a pile of gruel. It did not matter what the menu said; when served, it was always green, even if none of the ingredients were actually green!“Nexxxttt! Hey, you, I said NEXXTT!!!” she shouted at the violet boy who had hesitated to wonder if life was really worth this. “What’s your name, boy? Speak up now and tell me which class you are in?” This was a usual evil method Margery used so children had to give up holding their breath and smell the putrid stench of her sweaty BO mixed with the green muck she scooped from a giant vat beside her. The poor boy nearly passed out when it hit him, but, fortunately, his friend helped him stay up. He quickly grabbed his tray and sloshed his green slush all over as he ran for freedom. NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEXXXXXXXXXXXTTTTTTT!!!

~ L.p. Donnelli

L.p. Donnelli Funny Quotes Humorous Quotes School Cook School Meals School System Schools

They tell you the devil is in the details…what they don’t tell you is that he’s laughing maniacally.

~ Brian L. Tucker

Brian L. Tucker Humor Humorous Quotes Inspirational Life Lessons

Going down 6% grades using only a hand brake and low gears wasn’t for sissies and, in retrospect, might have been for idiots.

~ Jeffrey H Ryan

Jeffrey H Ryan Humorous Quotes

I have no flaws, I'm perfect at being imperfect.

~ Krystyna Faroe

Krystyna Faroe Flaws Humor Humorous Quotes Humour Imperfect

My mom said:‘Don’t put your finger in your brother’s ear! If you want to know how that quarter trick is done, go ask the magician.’ So I tugged on The Great Arturo's pant leg until he finally taught me how. That was my first magic trick! I was five years old.

~ Autumn Morning Star

Autumn Morning Star Humorous Quotes Magician Persistent Effort

The thing to remember about a kick is you go for his twigs and berries ~Declan~

~ Ilsa Madden-Mills

Ilsa Madden-Mills Book Boyfriend Quotes Defence Quotes Hero Humorous Quotes

Tonight sucked my dad said and I started to laugh hearing him say that. What? He smiled at me. Isn't that the slang you kids are using? The lingo? Do I sound hip?I just shook my head. The only hip I hear is the sound of yours breaking.

~ Robin Benway

Robin Benway Humor Humorous Quotes

I might not have superpowers, but I know how to knee a guy in the nuts.

~ Tera Lynn Childs

Tera Lynn Childs Humorous Quotes

Deep down, he's shallow.

~ Peter De Vries

Peter De Vries Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes Wit Witticisms Witty Quotations Witty Quotes

Despite his flaws, one has to admit that he is a whale-sized catch.”“I’ll be thrilled when someone harpoons him,” Lillian muttered, making the other two laugh.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Lisa Kleypas Humorous Quotes

The greatest trick you can teach an old dog is how to learn new tricks.

~ J.s. Davey

J.s. Davey Humorous Quotes Inspirational Quotes Old Age

He was a self-righteous know-it-all who had the breath of a dung beetle, a gray ponytail he barely pulled together from the bozo ring of hair clinging to his balding, freckled dome, and loved to drink, of all things, tea. Usually it was some sickly sweet-smelling herbal crap that was made in the hippie wasteland of Boulder, Colorado. The box was festooned with the image of a happy, dancing bear in a field of multicolored flowers and the tea had some idiotic name like Tai Chai. After work one evening, I snatched the box of tea bags from the break room and changed the recipe. I wasn't really worried that any other employees would use one of the tea bags because NO ONE DRINKS FUCKING TEA AT WORK, especially not the totally useless, noncaffeinated fairy tears reserved for old maids to sip while they watch Murder, She Wrote in bed with their legion of cats.

~ Shane Kuhn

Shane Kuhn Action Adventure Humorous Quotes

The early bird gets the worm that should have slept in.

~ J.s. Davey

J.s. Davey Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes Tongue In Cheek

They say you can judge a person by their book, but I say they will hide under the covers.

~ Mozaiah Thompson

Mozaiah Thompson Book Quotes Books Humor Humorous Quotes

To all the ladies: I don't like to be in ladies who judges you by every joke you made, sometimes I do good sometimes bad, don't laugh for me laugh for yourself if you really got it.; Otherwise I'm pretty happy with my own version. ;)

~ Jayesh Varma

Jayesh Varma Humor Humorous Quotes Ladies

O.M.G. Lucca, what are you feeding her? Everyday I look at you, and I swear those twinnes must double in size. Look at your bump in this dress, how are you managing to cart that around? Rather you than me chubby. ~Hazel

~ S.j. Molloy

S.j. Molloy Friendship And Love Humorous Quotes Secondary Characters

Well tarnation you're a meanie pants aren't you? ~Miss Mary~

~ Lucian Bane

Lucian Bane Friendship Humorous Quotes Secondary Characters

How did you know they were there? Glory asked. Oh wait, I forgot, NightWings are all-knowing, all-seeing and all-brilliant, right? Don't forget al-wonderful and all-brilliant.

~ Tui T. Sutherland

Tui T. Sutherland Humorous Quotes

I am apparently the complete opposite of a sociopath. (Seriously. I took a test.) WHEW! ‪#‎dodgedabullet‬

~ Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones Humorous Quotes Sociopath

How is that weird?” Dark the First asked incredulously. “Literally everyone does it. Literally.” “I really wish you’d stop saying literally,” Dark the Second said. “I literally don’t think you understand what that word means.

~ T.j. Klune

T.j. Klune Humorous Quotes

My voice of reason is always Lola. You're a jackass.You only say that when I'm being your voice of reason.Out of my head, witch. And don't piss me off, I tell her. I'll buy you underwear one size too small for Christmas and make you hate life.

~ Christina Lauren

Christina Lauren Humorous Quotes

Do people call you Ollie?” Lola asked.Oliver looked at her, completely dumbfounded by the possibility of this nickname. She may as well have asked him if people call him Garth, or Andrew, or Timothy.“No,” he said flatly, and the only thing charming about him was the way his accent seemed to run through every vowel with one syllable. Lola’s eyebrow twitched in her single tell—mildly annoyed—and she lifted her flashing LED drink cup to her lips.Lola wears mostly black, including her glossy dark hair, and has a tiny diamond pierced into her lip, but, even still, she’s never been able to pull off the full physical manifestation of the angry Riot Grrrl. With her perfect porcelain skin and the longest eyelashes in the world, she’s simply too delicate. But once she decides you’re an asshole, it no longer matters to her what you think. She gives good glare.“The flower suits you,” she said, tilting her head to study him. “And you have pretty hands, kind of soft. Maybe we should call you Olive.”He grunted out a dry laugh.“And a really beautiful mouth,” I added. “Gentle. Like a woman’s.”“Aw fuck off.” He was laughing outright by then.

~ Christina Lauren

Christina Lauren Humorous Quotes

Michael Palin : I am sorry to interrupt you there Dennis, but he's crossed it out. Thomas Hardy here on the first day of his new novel has crossed out the only word he has written so far and he is gazing off into space. Ohh! Oh dear he's signed his name again.Graham Chapman: It looks like Tess of the D'Urbervilles all over again.- Matching Tie and Handkerchief, Novel Writing

~ Graham Chapman

Graham Chapman Humorous Quotes Novel Writing

What is that thing? It looks like a model of the human digestive tract made from broken beer bottles and sadness.

~ Robert Kroese

Robert Kroese Humorous Quotes

Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

~ Peter De Vries

Peter De Vries Humor Humorous Quotations Humorous Quotes
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