Humorous Quotes Quotes

It was [Hugh's] omnipresent fear that some woman might be foisted on him who would turn out to be an adventuress and would blackmail him. This preoccupation made it almost impossible for him to engage a secretary.

~ Anthony Powell

You pay for that,” he told Ian as he hopped off the hood. “You pay for that, now.”Ian and Peter ignored him, circling around the car. The passenger jumped out and ran off at a sprint, as if the very hounds of hell were nipping at his heels. The taxi driver watched him go and stamped his foot in rage. “You pay for him, too,” he yelled at the men, seething in anger.

~ Rose Wynters

Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, as when you find a trout in the milk.

~ Henry David Thoreau

I'm turning into an old man. I own four pairs of oxfords, my stories get a little long winded, and my neighbors play their music too loud.

~ Christy Hall

She meant to write: Is Christy here yet?Auto Correct turned it into: Is crazy here yet?For once Auto Correct got it right.

~ Christy Hall

I mean. You put puppies in a store front, I will stop and giddily stare. Every. Single. Time.

~ Christy Hall

You know you're officially an adult when you finally understand WHY Miss Hannigan was drinking bath water.

~ Christy Hall

Q: Best part about being a musical theatre book writer?A: Explaining what that is.

~ Christy Hall

If I were to be honest, I'm probably fifty percent bagel. Okay, fine, sixty percent.

~ Christy Hall

Let me see,” Opal said.She quickly slurped up the rest of her lunch and thentook the collar. She examined it very closely. Sure enough,she could see bits of evergreen fur pinched along the buckle strap. As she looked closer, she noticed something else. Several pieces of black onyx were sewn into the back of the collar, and they started glowing.“Well look at that,” Jack said. “Somebody’s put a spider in this biscuit.

~ Mark Caldwell Jones

I can't help but think about things critically. Sometimes it can be a curse. What I wouldn't give every once in a while to be a blithering idiot skipping through life with shit in my pants like it's a goddamned party.

~ Justin Halpern

She would thump them both, and she would apologize to neither.

~ Kristin Cashore

You should see the murderous stares I get on the street. Though I think that has less to do with seeing a man carrying a purse and more to do with paisley. Paisley makes everyone cranky.

~ Lisa Henry

Learn more and Know more.

~ Steve Jobs

Podtyagin considers whether to take offence or not -- and decides to take offence.

~ Anton Chekhov

While a kind man was working up the nerve to ask me on a date, I was working up the nerve to kill him with my bare hands

~ Amy Mcauley

It's not a luxury if you can't do without it!

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

The main difference between a lawyer and a prostitute is that a prostitute won't screw you after you're dead.

~ Mark R. Jones

Macho and manly and stern and, oh man. Sam sighed. Guys like this were never gay. They were always the ones chasing the homos.

~ Anne Tenino

We need to mask your scent.” If stranger words had come out of his mouth, she hadn’t heard them. But then it clicked. “The thing can smell me.”And it did get a good whiff at the house

~ Aimee Duffy

They want your sons.”“My–? But I don’t… ew!

~ Deb E. Howell

But Vivien wasn't being given the chance to sow her wild oats. Speaking from a point of authority, it's best to get that shit out of the way when you are young.

~ Lisa Lutz

Thank goodness it only lasted a minute or so.The inhalant, that is. The sex was rather longer

~ Belle De Jour

Hey!” Mena exclaimed “Don’t knock Jeopardy. I love that show”“So do I” Max admitted.“I like it when I know the answers.” Logan added.Trent turned to Logan, “Dude, if you hate the show, all you had to do was say so.

~ Amanda Kelly

If all else fails, stop drop and roll..works for me..:)

~ Melissa Mercer

What's more, he was going to have a full American breakfast with bacon and eggs, none of this continental bullshit.

~ Gish Jen

When you fall asleep after a big lunch you're really just saving up energy to work off all the calories later on.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

If you two yentas are finished discussing Claire’s rabid who-ha, me and the boys would like to eat sometime this century.You and 'the boys?' You just met them today. Does the Ya Ya Brotherhood already have a secret handshake and a password? Liz joked.

~ Tara Sivec

Stop crying. You're giving archangels everywhere a bad name.

~ Becca Fitzpatrick

You would more probably have gone to the guillotine,' replied Sir Tristram, depressingly matter of

~ Georgette Heyer

This country would get along much better if people learned how to suffer in silence.

~ Neil Gaiman

I may not be perfect, but God knows I'm trying . . . and God knowing should count for something.

~ Karen E. Quinones Miller

How bad could things be if my hair was neat?

~ Jeff Lindsay

The thought of my mother talking to me about sex makes me want to stab my eyes out with a fork, gouge even deeper and scramble my brains to prevent the conversation from ever happening.

~ Addison Moore

Among wilderness survival tips, punching a wild animal in the face probably isn’t on a checklist.

~ Kat Kruger

I apply for a new job twice a week, every week. I am applying for the position of millionaire but so far my numbers haven't come up.

~ Brian Randleas

Are you on crack? Or did I take a righteous bong hit before coming here?

~ Natasha Larry

Charity knew she had to begin looking for a job soon. Definitely tomorrow, or the next day. Or perhaps the day after that. Charity didn't believe in procrastination. She just needed to plan her strategy. She was sound asleep on the sofa when Lady Margaret got back from London.

~ Elizabeth Jane Howard

Instead of hopping around like a wild in'jun on fire, try counting from 10 backwards while hopping on one foot.

~ R. Alan Woods

Sharks to not eat Chinese people because they get hungry thirty minutes later.

~ R. Alan Woods