Humorous Quotes

Tas had been teasing Flint unmercifully all morning, calling him Seamaster and Shipmate asking him the price of fish, and how much he would charge to Ferry them back across the lake. Flint finally threw a rock at him, and Tennis sent ass down to the lake to scrub out the pans.

~ Margaret Weis

There are worse things than eating the dead, my dear fellow. Far worse things. There is, for instance, making a huge profit out of their funeral, which is the normal custom in the civilized world.

~ Leonard Wibberley

In Ireland we have the phenomenon known as a Spoiled Priest. Unlike a spoiled child, this does not refer to a Priest throwing a temper tantrum.

~ J.p. Sexton

Of course. Anyway, do you want to get together sometime this week? I haven’t seen your face in a few days; I’m starting to forget what you look like.” She snorted. “What a tragedy.” “I’m serious, let’s do something.” “You mean, like a date?” she asked skeptically. “Well I wasn’t going to give it an official title, but sure.” “I don’t know how to date.” This time, I snorted. “It’s easy, we decide on something to do, set a place and time, and then….we follow through with it. Sometimes food is involved.” “I like the sound of food.” “I thought you might. So, what do you say? Will you go on a date with me?” She had paused a few seconds before she spoke and for a second I actually thought she’d say no. “Okay, I will go on a date with you. But I expect food.

~ Leslie Kate

 ‘Shall we go down and have a closer look?’ Hum asked.“ ‘All right. I think we have time — wait! What day is this?’“Hum calculated silently, then said, ‘The fifth day of Luggat.’“ ‘Damn,’ Cordovir said. ‘I have to go home and kill my wife.’“ ‘It’s a few hours before sunset,’ Hum said. ‘I think you have time to do both.’“Cordovir wasn’t sure. ‘I’d hate to be late.’“ ‘Well then. You know how fast I am,’ Hum said. ‘If it gets late, I’ll hurry back and kill her myself. How about that?’“ ‘That’s very decent of you.’ Cordovir thanked the younger man and together they slithered down the steep mountainside.

~ Robert Sheckley

If god is dead, who's going to fix this mess?

~ Satoshi Kon

all the time complaining at me that she could have had a career dancing topless at the Orbital Grill and Rendezvous Parlor. Her and her perky breasts. Yasmin, I told her, all the girls have perky breasts in zero-g, you were nothing special, you’re lucky a good man took you away from all that.

~ Anne Mccaffrey

They love each other, marry (in order to love each other better, more conveniently). He goes to the wars, he dies at the wars. She weeps (with emotion) at having loved him, at having lost him. (Yep!) Marries again (in order to love again, more conveniently again). They love each other. (You love as many timesas necessary - as necessary in order to be happy.) He come back (the other comes back) from the wars: he didn't die at the wars after all. She goes tothe station, to meet him. He dies in the train (of emotion) at the thought of seeing her again, having her again. She weeps (weeps again, with emotionagain) at having lost him again. (Yep!) Goes back to the house. He's dead - the other is dead. The mother-in-law takes him down: he hanged himself (with emotion) at the thought of losing her. She weeps (weeps louder) at having loved him, at having lost him.

~ Samuel Beckett

Excellent. Aristotle will introduce you to the employees at the desk,' Dr. Creamintin beamed.'What what? I shall do no such thing! the fluffy little owl argued. 'Cease your complaining Aristotle. Until Dave and Frey return, you haven't any work to do. Now go introduce the poor girl,' Dr. Creamintin ordered. 'Nevah, I say, nevah!' the owl decided, shaking his little butt. 'Too bad, I say, too bad,' Dr. Creamintin mocked before snatching the little bird off his stand on Felisha's desk and throwing him out of the office.

~ K.m. Shea

Patients, beings who want to be rehabilitated, send me questions See? I answer them real fast, 1 2 3 done Like so You get?' Toby said, his pale green fingers clattering across the keyboard. 'I think so,' I said, shifting in my chair.'Okay hear we go First question: I just moved to a new city and there's a school next door All the kids, every last student, wear the same clothes Are they all related Is this one of those mafia families I need to be careful around You know the answer? Toby asked, swiveling to face me.'Perhaps,' I said after thinking a moment. It took a second to distinguish when the question ended and when Toby's remarks started. 'You sure, I can check real quick 1 2 3 I check that fast,' Toby said, his words zooming out of his mouth while Google search engine popped up on his computer screen.

~ K.m. Shea

Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

~ Mike Tyson

I don't care what you people say...we are not using a font that does not have fucking serifs. - Rook Myfanwy Thomas

~ Daniel O'malley

The orchestra had ceased and were now climbing onto their chairs, with their instruments. The floral offerings flew; the coffin teetered. Catch it! a voice shouted. They sprang forward, but the coffin crashed heavily to the floor, coming open. The corpse tumbled slowly and sedately out and came to rest with its face in the center of a wreath. Play something! the proprietor bawled, waving his arms; play! Play!

~ William Faulkner

The stark evening sun at the far edge of the town had just unzipped the sky and finally gone down.

~ Jack Bunbury

If polar bears live at the North Pole, why doesn’t Santa use them to pull the sleigh?” Brogan asked, licking mustard off his thumb with the air of someone who thought they’d won the argument, which was dumb, because he never won. Embry was the uncontested champion of arguing in their house.“Are you high?” Embry asked. “Have you seen a fucking polar bear? There’s no way they’re as aerodynamic as reindeer.”“Polar bears make about as much sense as reindeer, seeing as neither of them can actually fly,” Brogan pointed out. “Polar bears are stronger, too. You’d only need half as many to get the job done.”“Polar bears aren’t pack animals. You’d never get all of them attached to the sleigh at once.”“Think how cool it would be, though. A whole troop of polar bears pulling a sleigh. There should be fire somewhere. A secondary propulsion system in case the bears get tired. Like a jet engine.” His eyes went wide with awe, presumably at his own genius. “There should be a jet engine, Embry.

~ Sidney Bell

Someone threw a cabbage at William Howard Taft. That didn't bother Taft. He quipped, I see that one of my adversaries has lost his head.

~ Judith St. George

Most of the machinery of modern language is labour-saving machinery; and it saves mental labour very much more than it ought. Scientific phrases are used like scientific wheels and piston-rods to make swifter and smoother yet the path of the comfortable. Long words go rattling by us like long railway trains. We know they are carrying thousands who are too tired or too indolent to walk and think for themselves. It is a good exercise to try for once in a way to express any opinion one holds in words of one syllable. If you say “The social utility of the indeterminate sentence is recognized by all criminologists as a part of our sociological evolution towards a more humane and scientific view of punishment,” you can go on talking like that for hours with hardly a movement of the gray matter inside your skull. But if you begin “I wish Jones to go to gaol and Brown to say when Jones shall come out,” you will discover, with a thrill of horror, that you are obliged to think. The long words are not the hard words, it is the short words that are hard. There is much more metaphysical subtlety in the word “damn” than in the word “degeneration.

~ G.k. Chesterton

Watch the fucking food!

~ Jamie Begley

I saw the statue completely different now. I'd decided that he wasn't pointing to anything or anyone. Now all I could see was that he was reaching out his hand to someone. For me that explained the expression on his face that I'd never quite been able to understand before. He was hopeful and nervous and scared and a little bit proud of himself for doing it - extending his hand to someone, not knowing if they'd take it. This was, I had realized, one of the scariest things of all, requiring much more courage than sailing across an ocean and landing on an unknown shore At least that's what I saw. Clark and Tom's new theory was that he was a time traveler who'd somehow been transported to the past and was just trying to hail a cab.

~ Morgan Matson

I wondered whether anyone in that backyard could hear the sound of my ovaries exploding. If there's anything that stirs a woman's soul more than a strong, handsome man tenderly holding a tiny infant then I certainly didn't know about it.

~ Cora Brent

This was the kack’s cradle, icky-poo’s bassinet. It was Death and Diarrhea, singing duet.

~ Jack Bunbury

Life is like a fondue: the best fruit ain’t the best till it’s been through some goo.

~ Jack Bunbury

Of all the skills necessary for her work, what she was perhaps worst at was being polite to inanimate things.

~ China Miéville

Vegans are always wrong, but damn pleased with themselves

~ Rasmussen

After the new information had been sent out and everyone knew what was going on, Onmvar and Herilda went back to working but what happened next surprised them the most unlikely person to walk through their doors did, Jevlei Onmvar looked up “What brings you here?” Jevlei simply shrugged “I want to become a trainer.” he announced what!? “Who are you and what have you done with the real Jevlei!” Herilda shouted “I am being serious.” but Onmvar and Herilda were not taking this whole thing seriously at all.

~ Charon Lloyd-Roberts

Tate and Marty exchanged indignant looks. Tate pointed to the kitchen door behind Marty, then hooked a thumb at the back door and gave Marty a nod. Before Mel could figure out what they were up to, they were both lying on the floor of the kitchen, blocking the exits. “What is this? Occupy Fairy Tale Cupcakes?!” Angie asked. “What do you think you’re doing?” “We’re in protest mode.” Tate said. “We’re going to limp and we’re going to lie here until you agree to let us come along.” “Are you kidding me?” Mel asked. “What if I don’t give in? Are you going to hold your breath until you turn blue?” She watched Tate lift his head and look at Marty. He raised his eyebrows in silent question, and Marty gave him a small nod. “Thanks for the idea,” The kitchen door slammed into his side, and Marty grunted but still held his ground. The kitchen door didn’t budge. “Hey, the door is stuck,” Oz yelled from the other side.

~ Jenn Mckinlay

The person who thinks dogs can't talk doesn't want to learn a second language.

~ Mark Winik

He had spoken with such absolute confidence that I knew he had to be blowing this out of his rectal orifice.

~ Neal Stephenson

I fail to see how turning the subject over like compost can do anything except raise its stink.

~ Sonya Hartnett

I believe that 'love' and 'wrong' are two deeply unrelated words that should never be thrown into the same sentence together. Like 'dessert' and 'broccoli.

~ Cat Winters

I might act like a rhinoceros, but I'm a unicorn.

~ Nuno Roque

I sometimes wonder how many beautiful black sweaters have been knit from my wool.

~ D. M. Timney

[representative government is] deciding once in three or six years which member of the ruling class was to misrepresent the people in Parliament

~ Karl Marx

It's hard to tread lightly when you continue to accumulate.

~ Craig Smedley

I fink it is a femuw. A femuw of a winowcowus... A a-stinct winocowus.

~ Elizabeth Peters

So...you really feel a difference from drinking it? Lad asked. I nodded. He nearly jumped out of the chair and charged past me to the kitchen. I followed him. What are you doing? Getting you a refill.

~ Amy Patrick

....I'd rather travel in Cargo-nanoships than a Bullet-train to reach my target.

~ Farooq A. Shiekh

To see Ramses, at fourteen months, wrinkling his brows over a sentence like 'The theology of the Egyptians was a compound of fetishism, totem-ism and syncretism' was a sight as terrifying as it was comical. Even more terrifying was the occasional thoughtful nod the child would give....the room was dark except for one lamp, by whose light Emerson was reading. Ramses, in his crib, contemplated the ceiling with rapt attention. It made a pretty little family scene, until one heard what was being said. '...the anatomical details of the wounds, which included a large gash in the frontal bone, a broken malar bone and orbit, and a spear thrust which smashed off the mastoid process and struck the atlas vertebra, allow us to reconstruct the death scene of the king.' ... From the small figure in the cot came a reflective voice. 'It appeaws to me that he was muwduwed.'...' a domestic cwime.'...'One of the ladies of the hawem did it, I think.' I seized Emerson by the arm and pushed him toward the door, before he could pursue this interesting suggestion.

~ Elizabeth Peters

It is humiliating to have to confess that this conceit of Peter was one of his most fascinating qualities. To put it with brutal frankness, there never was a cockier boy.

~ J.m. Barrie

Never underestimate the audacity of the small minded and slightly crapulous.A rather bleezed young neighbour decided to have a grammar battle with me. It lasted all of two seconds.I said something slightly amicable, and he responded with, “You sure that's how you use that word?”I put down my laundry basket and turned to him slowly and deliberately.“Do you really want to have this discussion with me, son, or do you want to go home and rethink your life?”He grumbled and vanished.

~ Michelle Franklin