Humorous Quotes

A scientist does not have hope, sir. Hope is what a man has in the absence of answers, and once he does empirical experimentation, he replaces hope with knowledge and disappointment.

~ Michelle Franklin

Much as he detested Filch, Harry couldn't help feeling a bit sorry for him, though not nearly as sorry as he felt for himself.

~ J.k. Rowling

Otis! Will you PLEASE stop killing me!

~ Rick Riordan

I give him a skeptical look. “You want to show me your dick?”“If it’ll help convince you.” He drains the last drops of his Scotch and stands up. “Come on, let’s go.

~ Kendall Ryan

There's nothing sexier than imaging myself as an Oxford comma getting unambiguously banged. Throw in a semicolon in between two closely related independent clauses, and a volcanic love of punctuation eruption is guaranteed.

~ Ella Dominguez

Do you always travel with such cumbersome books?''I don't trust anyone who wouldn't.

~ Doug Dorst

There were the years— years of childhood and innocence— when I had believed that carminative meant— well, carminative. And now, before me lies the rest of my life— a day, perhaps, ten years, half a century, when I shall know that carminative means windtreibend.

~ Aldous Huxley

This was different. He didn't want a woman. He wanted her. And he supposed that if he had to spend the afternoon being strange, sad, and disfigured just to be in her company, it would be well worth it. Then he remembered the wart. He turned to Miss Wynter and said firmly, I am not getting a wart.Really, a man had to draw the line somewhere.

~ Julia Quinn

People ask me where I got my x-ray powers. I inherited them from my parents in parental supervision. Erase the dots and your doubts if you think that I was 'raysed' alone.

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

I glance at him. He's looking at me, his expression every bit as expectant as I feel. I hate this little game of ours. Maybe because I'm no good at it. He won't tell me more unless I ask. Curiosity is one of my most incurable flaws--and Galen kno

~ Anna Banks

If you're preaching, I've already got religion. And if you're selling, I ain't buying--unless you've got binoculars. I could use some new binoculars.

~ Laura Bradford

A true lover never demands a naked girl with him,rather he feels her presence all the time with him

~ Nitin Yaduvanshi

Mary leaned back, exhaled, and watched her smoke rise. 'What sort of man do you want anyway?'Tall. Funny. Never came top of his class or pulled the wings off bees.Yes, but I mean really? When all of this is over, and assuming we win - ...Hilda snorted. (I) just want a tall man and a stiff drink. You could even swap the adjectives.

~ Chris Cleave

I don't have te let ye come. Coming is a privilege, not a right- Declan Ramsay to Sam Aiken. (Illuminate the Shadows- Shatterproof Bond #1)

~ Isobel Starling

Do you know much about the Vittra?Some. He held out an orange slice to me. Want some?No, thanks. I shook my head. How much is 'some'?I meant like a slice or two, but you can have the rest if you really want.

~ Amanda Hocking

It sounded somewhat doom-laden, so I felt obliged to look it up more thoroughly, in case I should eat some chocolate rather quickly.

~ Carol Anne Dobson

Cup of JoeThere's nothing like a cup of joe,when the morning's grey and grim and slow,when the streets collide with the world outside,when litter lies where lilies grow.Just drink that smoking cup of blackand feel your feelings surging back.Plus, spill a drop and a coffee shopwill sprout up from a sidewalk crack!

~ Bo Burnham

When life gives you lemons, the best thing to do is make orange juice and let the rest of the world stand back and wonder how you did it.

~ #Name?

don't know what demi means but i'm not feeling to godly you guys feeling godly?

~ Rick Riordan

He started to hand her a fork but paused, glancing at her and then it, and back. Wariness narrowed his eyes.For real? Seriously? She held out her hand, palm up. What do you think? I'm going to try to prong you to death? I don't know who that would be more embarrassing for - you dying by fork or me needing to use something so silly to take you out.

~ Laurann Dohner

There are things in life worth dying for. Toothpaste isn't one of them.

~ Samantha Addison

You don’t hear what I hear.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

Stupid entropy ruins everything.

~ Jennifer Ouellette

Thus, hanging around in our towels (and those weird disposable underpants) was no big deal.

~ Ann Benjamin

Bloated software causes IT stress farts.

~ Kevin Focke

Quite amazing, isn’t it, Mister Lipwig?’ he said cheerfully through the smoke. ‘Though isn’t it a pity that they can only run on rails? I can’t imagine what the world would be like if everyone had their own steam locomotive. Abominable.

~ Terry Pratchett

Don't waste water on washing your shirt, use photoshop!

~ Everskeptic

He started to hand her a fork but paused, glancing at her and then it, and back. For real? Seriously? She held out her hand, palm up. What do you think? I'm going to try to prong you to death? I don't know who that would be more embarrassing for - you dying by fork or me needing to use something so silly to take you out.

~ Laurann Dohner

Turren blinked and then smiled from ear to ear. “What makes a pure soul extra purer?”“I don’t know,” Sebastian said. “I didn’t eat anything weird today.

~ Sam Argent

You seem....unsettled. Was unsettled another word for horny enough to climb the walls? Because if so, then yes, I was most definitely unsettled.

~ Jay Crownover

Opinions are like assholes, everybody has their own. I don't mess with yours and you don't mess with mine.

~ Unknown Wattpad Writer

If I'll be funnier than this, I'll become a joke.

~ Chandan Sharma

See, that's the problem with putting too much stock in the old days. You remember all the GOOD stuff, but you forget about the time you got spanked by your best friend's mom.

~ Jeff Kinney

My impression is, after many years of consideration, that there never can have been anybody in the world who played worse.

~ Charles Dickens

She had no idea how she was supposed to act, no idea how to feel. Julian had just made incredible love to her, but he wasn't *in love* with her. He'd stamped himself forever on her--body, heart, and soul--but a year from now he probably wouldn't remember who she was. He'd rocked her world, and yet he was only temporarily a part of it. What was a woman supposed to say? Thanks, stud?

~ Pamela Clare

The carrier's horse was the laziest horse in the world, I should hope, and shuffled along, with his head down, as if he liked to keep people waiting to whom the packages were directed. I fancied, indeed, that he sometimes chuckled audibly over this reflection, but the carrier said he was only troubled with a cough. -Chapter 3

~ Charles Dickens

Yet sometimes you just have to sprinkle a dash of sugar on the spoonful of pride and swallow it with a humility chaser.

~ Erica Larsen

Books are temporary , dicks are forever

~ Gillian Flynn

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~ Millicent Carter

...I'll tell you something else too, by the time we're through we shall have had all we can stand of this North woman. I wouldn't mind betting she thinks we have nothing better to do than run around in circles while she gets on with this three-act problem play of hers.

~ Georgette Heyer