Humorous Quotes

For a moment the rank felt as though they had just returned from single-handedly conquering a distant province. They felt, in fact, tremendously bucked-up, which was how Lady Ramkin would almost certainly have put it and which was definitely several letters of the alphabet away from how they normally felt.

~ Terry Pratchett

I once met an RAF pilot who told me of what he called a bird strike. This, rather unfairly in my view, made it sound as if it was the bird's fault; as if the little feathered chap had deliberately tried to head-butt twenty tons of metal travelling in the opposite direction at just under the speed of sound, out of spite.

~ Hugh Laurie

This is Nimrod, because of whose vile plan the world no longer speaks a single tongue.

~ Dante Alighieri

They'd paid some madman who thought he was a decorator a lot of money to make the place look hip and unique. Maybe it's my lack of fashion sense talking, but I thought they should have held out for one of these gorillas who has learned to paint. The results would have been of similar quality, and they could have paid in fresh produce.

~ Jim Butcher

Not nearly as incredible as hearing you scream when you came. Good thing you took Cassie home. She might think I was killing you in here.Oh, but what a way to go.

~ Kallypso Masters

If I ever figured out how to go back in time, I'd tell my nine-year-old self to run the other way when a gnome showed up in her room promising a life of magic and adventure.

~ Anna Staniszewski

Sitting up, Jocelyn rolled her head from side to side. “Been better.” “Heard you’re a doctor now.” She grabbed the thermometer.“Yes, a veterinarian.”Placing her fist on her ample hip, Mia scoffed, “You go to that fancy school in Washington State and now you don’t eat meat?” “Good Lord! I’m not a vegetarian—

~ Patricia W. Fischer

Solomon smiles with us

~ N.d. Wilson

Don't whine to your spouse about your daily troubles. He's had a harder day providing for you and your children. This is what you're aspiring to?

~ Lindsey Leavitt-Going Vintage

We are a bed business, and a coffee-room business. We are not a general dining business, nor do we wish it. In consequence, when diners drop in, we know what to give 'em as will keep 'em away another time.

~ Charles Dickens

Genitals are a great distraction to scholarship

~ Malcolm Bradbury

I've watched goldfish make babies, and ants execute earwigs. I've seen a fly deliver live young while having its head eaten by a mantis. And I had a golden retriever behave like one.

~ N.d. Wilson

Nobody should have to put their boxers in a half rotted chest of drawers.”“Hey. I’ll have you know that the rustic look is very popular in the burbs.”“Rustic?” Chase snorted. “Is that your way of saying termite infested?”“This furniture does not have termites. Mice maybe, even moths, but not termites.”“Great, I can look forward to having a swiss cheese wardrobe.

~ Adrienne Wilder

Lovely, not only did the truck look like it was on its last leg, it was going to take the environment with it.

~ Adrienne Wilder

I wouldn't miss this fake-homo show for all the Gucci Shoes on Rodeo Drive.

~ River Jaymes

He stands confidently in his hot pink mankini. When I told him it was the only suit left, he literally shrugged and put it on. Tan skin, ripped abs and stylish wayfarers- he instantly looked cool even wearing that damn thing. And the girls playing water volleyball even gawked at his ass

~ Krista Ritchie

Never judge a person until you've walked a mile in their busted up shoes and haven't had any money for medication for two weeks.

~ Lori Lesko

Let me introduce you. Sophie, this is Miss Eliot, from the National Childcare Agency. Miss Eliot, this is Sophie, from the ocean.

~ Katherine Rundell

At least it's working out because Cheddar is sort of obsessed with me, or at least very interested, which in the world of felines counts as obsessive behavior.

~ Holly Goldberg Sloan

Pray, what's the nature of his trouble? Prudence asked solicitously.Oh, cursed bad news, my boy. That old aunt of his from whom he has expectations has rallied, and they say she'll last another ten years. Poor old Devereux, y'know! Must try and raise his spirits.

~ Georgette Heyer

Mothers of America let your kids go to the movies! get them out of the house so they won't know what you're up to it's true that fresh air is good for the body but what about the soul that grows in darkness, embossed by silvery images and when you grow old as grow old you must they won't hate you

~ Frank O'hara

Superfast beings shouldn't piss off the comics geek-girl.

~ Gini Koch

Asher taps his fingers on his lips and I catch Amy licking her own as she eyes his mouth. What exactly are Rocky Mountain Oysters? he asks her.I restrain a laugh as Amy's face twists in confusion.Well...I think they're kind of meat. I'm not sure what kind, but I like them. She presses the end of the pen against her chin.I shake my head at Asher. You don't want those. Trust me.

~ Jessica Sorensen

It would look pretty messed up to be a social worker and have dried kid blood as a permanent stain in your vehicle.

~ Holly Goldberg Sloan

But where is my son? Where is the beautiful Miss Merriot?

~ Georgette Heyer

You held me down and rammed me so hard I deep-throated you from the other end.

~ Marita A. Hansen

A woman calls from Seaview to say her linen closet is missing. Last September, her house had six bedrooms, two linen closets. She's sure of it. Now she's only got one. She comes to open her beach house for the summer. She drives out from the city with the kids and the nanny and the dog, and here they are with all heir luggage, and their towels are gone. Disappeared. Poof. Bermuda triangulated.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Well, it all started when I figured out that the janitor at my high school was the Angel of Death…

~ Matt Ruff

After reading some of my stories, I once had a friend say to me, I'd love to spend five minutes in your head to see what's going on in there. I warned them, If you spent five seconds in my mind you'd probably run out screaming and never speak to me again.

~ Mark W. Boyer

There are times when looking on the bright side takes a lot ot work. I'm taking a break from it tonight. I'll be back at it tomorrow.

~ C.c. Alma

Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.

~ Wilkie Martin

It’s human nature to view life from our own reality.This causes serious problems when a rescue mission is being led by the senile or insane.

~ Jaime Buckley

The first sign that Karma was now in cahoots with the Devil Incarnate to ruin her existance should've been before sunrise and pre-coffee.

~ Kelly Moran

Why did you buy them? Stop buyin my shit Austin! First the hay, now my horses. Why?

~ Kindle Alexander

What's your name?What? I asked, squinting at the light.Your name. I recognized Dr. Olendzki peering over me.You know my name.I want you to tell me.Rose. Rose Hathaway.Do you know your birthday?Of course I do. Why are you asking me such stupid things? Did you lose my records?Dr. Olendzki gave an exasperated sigh and walked off.

~ Richelle Mead

I've fucked you, licked you, bound you, flogged you, and spanked you. Jesus, Lilly, how much more do you want to get to know each other?

~ Ella Dominguez

A table for TONIGHT should certainly have been booked years before-perhaps, it was implied, by Richard's parents. A table for TONIGHT was impossible: if the pope, the prime minister, and the president of France arrived this evening without a confirmed reservation, even they would be turned out into the street with a continental jeer.

~ Neil Gaiman

White? That's good. virginal. He'll be reminded this is a first for you and hopefully won't just impale you on his pork sword.

~ Carmen Jenner

And are you going to explain why you consider competing with me to be the most sincere form of compliment?” “Of course I am,” Lightsong said. “My dear, have you ever known me to make an inflammatorily ridiculous statement without providing an equally ridiculous explanation to substantiate it?” “Of course not,” she agreed. “You are nothing if not exhaustive in your self-congratulatory made-up logic.” “I am rather exceptional in that regard.

~ Brandon Sanderson

Loeser's favourite book in Blimk's shop, where he spent most of his afternoons, was still Dames! And how to Lay them. He referred to it constantly, like a psalter, with an inexhaustible excitement at the notion that it was possible to seduce a woman just by following a rigorous system of instructions. The problem was, there wasn't much in it that he felt he could put to practical use. 'Want to impress a dame with morning after the night before? Run to the kitchen while she's still snoozing fit to bust, and come back with what I like to call the Egg Majestique. That's one of every type of egg on a tray: a soft-boiled egg, a hard-boiled egg, an egg over easy, an egg sunny side up, a poached egg, a devilled egg, a pickled egg, a coddled egg, a scrambled egg, a one-egg omelette, and a shot of egg nog for the hangover. No dame will be able to believe you know so many ways to cook eggs. Egg protein is good for the manly function, and after you've pulled off the Egg Majestique, you'll probably need it, if you know what I mean.' This sounded pretty authoritative to Loeser but he just wasn't quite sure.

~ Ned Beauman