Humorous Quotes

She smelled of talcum powder and Big Red.

~ David Foster Wallace

Every day in New York City is a test. Work hard and pass this test, you get a chocolate cookie. From a strange man on the subway. A man without pants.

~ Christy Hall

Whenever I'm running an hour late for for work, it always makes me feel better when I can leave an hour early at the end of the day to make up for it.

~ Mark W. Boyer

You think everyone pervs you.... That's cos they do, and you're just jealous, cos I'm gorgeous and you're not. ~ conversation between Dante &Ash

~ Marita A. Hansen

Occupation: WriterOccupational Hazard: Carpel tunnelSolution: Wrist guards to bed or my hands do all the sleeping Perspective: I've decided my wrist guards have turned me into a Ninja Superhero that hides in the shadows

~ Christy Hall

If he's after sledge I'd say he's a bottom, and a very sore one if he succeeds , cos your bro looks like he's got a third leg down there, it's so fucking huge. Got an eyeful once when I walked in on him while he was showering...

~ Marita A. Hansen

So intense was his sexual frustration that it had begun to feel like a life-threatening illness: testicular gout, libidinal gangrene.

~ Ned Beauman

Walking the Camino de Santiago taught me the wonders of physical challenge, the wonders of spiritual freedom, and the wonders of baby powder.

~ Christy Hall

The night before a deadline, I usually am in desperate need of a back rub. And new wrists. And candy. And little mice to secretly finish the job while I am sleeping.

~ Christy Hall

If I had a nickel for all the times I've been shushed in my life? Bam! Instant millionaire!

~ Christy Hall

Keep rechewing. Like a cow. Use all your creative stomachs.

~ Elizabeth M. Lawrence

The important thing for any writer to remember is to take the writing seriously, but not the writer.

~ A.e. Poynor

To exemplify, -a beautiful glossy nut, which, blessed with original strength, has outlived all the storms of autumn. Not a puncture, not a weak spot any where. -This nut... while so many of its brethren have fallen and been trodden under foot, is still in possession of all the happiness that a hazel-nut can be supposed capable of.

~ Jane Austen

So...have you ever thought about dyeing your hair punk-rocker-chick black? As I'm sure you've heard, I have a thing for brunettes and always avoid blondes. I've heard. And no. Too bad. Because you're making me rethink my stance about doing my friends' exes. I snorted, not even trying to hide my...incredulity? Surely I wasn't amused. Your making me rethink my stance on cold-blooded homicide

~ Gena Showalter

The on and off thing is kind of annoying, isn't it? First with Cole, now with Gavin. Maybe you need a tune up. I rolled my eyes. I'll just pop into the supernatural ability repair shop sometime tomorrow. He grinned, his fingers tracing the line of my jaw.

~ Gena Showalter

You know we've got it bad when a naked and gyrating Channing Tatum can't solve our problems.

~ Jen Frederick

Children are nothing but a problem people create and then congratulate themselves on solving.

~ Curtis Sittenfeld

McG: 11:39 PM: Tease. A: Bushy prehistoric looking veggies frighten me.Lilliana: 11:41 PM: WTH are we talking about here? McG: 11:42 PM: Fucking auto correct. VAGINAS! Bushy vaginas put the fear of God in me. Seriously, Lilly, if you’ve got one, groom that shit unless you want to see a grown alpha male curl into the fetal position and cry. It won’t be pretty. Just sayin

~ Ella Dominguez

Who's going to take care of it? You?. . . Son, you came in the house yesterday with sh*t on your hands. Humansh*t. I don't know how that happened, but if someone has shit on their hands, it's an indicator that maybe the whole responsibility thing isn't for them. -Dad

~ Justin Halpern

Nixon’s offences had been so long in the past, so much part of a different era that he now seemed like some lovable but bigoted uncle you tolerated at Christmas and Thanksgiving.

~ Jacob M. Appel

His shoes looked too large, his sleeve looked too long, his hair looked too limp, his features looked too mean, his exposed throat looked as if a halter would have done it good.

~ Charles Dickens

She laughed. ''You seem pretty normal.''''You've never seen Ben snort Sprite up his nose and then spit it out of his mouth,'' I said.''I look like a demented carbonated fountain,'' he deadpanned.

~ John Green

what you knowand don’t deny thatyou don’t knowand knowing thisyou knowwhat and whyyou don’t know.Right?

~ Jennifer Hillman

He says in his defence he never meddled with married women, only with virgins.

~ Hilary Mantel

When Uncle W. G. held out his hand to take my money, I dropped the dead mouse in his hand.

~ Earl B. Russell

Basset Hounds never get scared. We’re fearless, resolute and know how to season a good lamb chop.

~ Elias Zapple

Paul is a liar, he said so. (Romans 3:7.)

~ Simon Ewins

If people fainted from too much thinking I’d scarcely ever be conscious,” Tabitha began at once. “I think and think all the time, and I’ve never fainted – not once.” She looked over at Barney enviously. “Why do the best things always happen to other people and not to a promising writer?

~ Margaret Mahy

THIS IS A COMPLIMENT?You're incrediburgableshe saidwhich is to sayYou're a little like incrediblebut a lot more like ahamburger.

~ Chocolate Waters

Not a week after Annie put her foot in Mrs. Huffmaster's duff, the Captain upped and laid down the date.

~ James Mcbride

Where in the Bible are we told in one verse not to do a thing and in the next to do it?‘Answer not a fool according to his folly, lest thou also be like unto him.’ Prov. xxvi. 4.‘Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit.’ Prov. xxvi. 5.

~ Samuel Grant Oliphant

What was to fear from a foe that could be defeated by a few potholes and the heat of the sun?

~ Esther Spurrill Jones

Even though I dislike being kicked by others, I do enjoy the feeling of kicking others

~ Yana Toboso

…When you’ve know me longer, you’ll learn that I mean everything I say.”“Even the lies?”“Especially the lies. Lord Petyr…

~ George R.r. Martin

You hit the Lord of The Titans with a blue plastic hairbrush.

~ Rick Riordan

Leah Olivia says quietly, if you point at me again I'm going to break that manicured finger right off your hand. Now turn around and smile, your daughter is waking up.

~ Tarryn Fisher

Hermione: You! You foul, loathsome, evil little cocroach!Ron: Hermione, no! He's no worth it.

~ J.k. Rowling

Hagrid: Harry -- yer a wizard.Harry: I'm a what?

~ J.k. Rowling

Hermione: You! You foul loathsome evil little cockroach!

~ J.k. Rowling

Ron: [mimicking Hermione] It's Levi-OOOOH-sa not LevioSAR. She's a nightmare, honestly. It's no wonder she hasn't got any friends!

~ J.k. Rowling