Humour Quotes

When we did eventually get to the party - me walking next to Dad's Volvo driving at five miles an hour - I had a horrible time. Everyone laughed at first but then more or less ignored me. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The host asked if I would sit down. I had a go at that but it was useless. In the end I was at the gate for about an hour before Dad arrived.

~ Louise Rennison

Miss Grantham's sense of humour got the better of her at this point, and, tottering towards a chair, she sank into it, exclaiming in tragic accents:'Oh Heavens! I am betrayed!' His lordship blenched; both he and Miss Laxton regarded her with guilty dismay. Miss Grantham buried her face in her handkerchief, and uttered one shattering word: 'Wretch!

~ Georgette Heyer

To talk well and eloquently is a very great art, but that an equally great one is to know the right moment to stop.

~ Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

I fell in love with football as I was later to fall in love with women: suddenly, inexplicably, uncritically, giving no thought to the pain or disruption it would bring with it.

~ Nick Hornby

Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir.

~ Terry Pratchett

Being born in a stable does not make one a horse.

~ Arthur Wellesley

Draco Malfoy is a bad boy! squeaked Dobby angrily.

~ J.k. Rowling

Hagrid looked down at his umbrella and scratched his beard. 'Shouldn'ta lost me temper,' he said ruefully, 'but it didn't work anyway. Meant ter turn him into a pig, but I suppose he was so much like a pig anyway there wasn't much left ter do.

~ J.k. Rowling

At first I assumed he was a Mexican, but slowly began to realise that a real Mexican probably wouldn't be wearing a sombrero in a London nightclub. And he'd probably have a real moustache, not a stick-on one. A Mexican with a stick-on moustache would be like a Super-Mexican, because he'd have two moustaches, and that'd be cool, because a Super-Mexican could probably use his poncho as a cape, and then I realised I was saying all this to the man's face.

~ Danny Wallace

He nodded toward the sub. This is going to be a blow-off day.I dragged my mind away from magical intrigue. After being homeschooled for most of my life, some parts of the normal school world was a mystery. What does that mean, exactly.Usually teacher leave subs a lesson plan, telling them what to do. I saw Ms. Terwilliger left. It said, 'Distract them.

~ Richelle Mead

There are two kinds of people in the world: those who love chocolate, and communists.

~ Leslie Moak Murray

A lot of people say there's a fine line between genius and insanity. I don't think there's a fine line, I actually think there's a yawning gulf. You see some poor bugger scuffling up the road with balloons tied to his ears, he's not going home to invent a rocket, is he?

~ Bill Bailey

I really hope he shapes up, you know? He’s got a good head on his shoulders when he’s not trying to give himself alcohol poisoning.

~ Hailey Abbott

I sense a learning: that much dumber people than you end up in charge.

~ D.b.c. Pierre

Back in my day, which was about a week and a half ago, we took our lumps and we got back up and we cried like babies and quit and then put on weight.

~ Joss Whedon

There was some women in a café the other week that I was sat in, and she came up and she sat down with her mate and she was talkin' loudly goin' on about oh the baby's lovely. They said it's got, er, lovely big eyes, er, really big hands and feet. Now that doesn't sound like a nice baby to me. I felt like sayin' it sounds like a frog. But I thought I don't know her, there's only so much you can say to a stranger. I don't know what kept me from sayin' it.

~ Karl Pilkington

Having been engaged rather a lot of times, Zsa Zsa Gabor was asked whether a lady should give back the ring. Her answer?Of course dahlink, but first, you take out all the diamonds.

~ Zsa Zsa Gabor

How can you say you're not in love with

~ Jet Mykles

You should have called us. Desmond would have picked you up.''No I wouldn't,' Valkyrie's dad said, stepping into earshot. 'Sorry, Fletcher, but I had important fatherly duties to take care of, which included eating breakfast, showering, and finding my trousers. Of those three, I only managed two. Without looking down, can you guess which one I missed?'... Fletcher smiled back. 'I just want to borrow Stephanie for a moment.''Take our daughter,' Valkryie's dad said, waving a hand airily. 'We have another one now.

~ Derek Landy

Come on. I know you're not a stupid man.''I'm quite stupid. Ask anyone.''Finbar, are there superheroes living among us?' Finbar snorted with laughter and Kenny started to feel a little thick. 'Superheroes? In tights and capes, flying around? If there were superheroes, Mr. Journalist, don't you think they'd be in New York or somewhere like that? There's not that many tall buildings for Spiderman to swing from in Dublin, you know? He'd have maybe two good swings and then hang there looking disappointed.' 'These people don't wear tights and capes, Finbar.''So they're naked superheroes? That's grand for now, but when the good weather is over they're going to regret it.''They look like us. They dress like us. But they're not like us. They're different.''You,' Finbar said. 'Are sounding very racist right now.

~ Derek Landy

By the way, only a real man can accept his feminine side.I don't know who fed you that line of garbage, but I can promise she's laughing at you right now.

~ Gena Showalter

Who or what inspires you?I must admit that I often read my own articles in scientific journals and inspire myself.

~ Eoin Colfer

An old joke has an Oxford professor meeting an American former graduate student and asking him what he's working on these days. 'My thesis is on the survival of the class system in the United States.' 'Oh really, that's interesting: one didn't think there was a class system in the United States.' 'Nobody does. That's how it survives.

~ Christopher Hitchens

If anyone else asked that question, O He Who Is Terrible and Great, I would have said they were an ignorant fool; in you it is a sign of the disarming simplicity which is the fount of all virtue.

~ Jonathan Stroud

The universe is, instant by instant, recreated anew. There is in truth no past, only a memory of the past. Blink your eyes, and the world you see next did not exist when you closed them. Therefore, the only appropriate state of the mind is surprise. The only appropriate state of the heart is joy. The sky you see now, you have never seen before. The perfect moment is now. Be glad of it.

~ Terry Pratchett

I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”He raises an eyebrow.“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?

~ Andrew Shaffer

You know you've reached a new plateau of group mediocrity when even a Canadian is alarmed by your lack of individuality.

~ Sarah Vowell

MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole habitable earth and Canada.

~ Ambrose Bierce

I’d bet a month of dawn patrols those apprentices had something to do with it,” Birchfall meowed. “Why else would they disappear back to ShadowClan without their mother?”Dustpelt let out a snort of amusement. “I can just picture those three holding Blackstar down until he agreed.

~ Erin Hunter

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

~ Karl Pilkington

An Ass put on a Lion's skin and wentAbout the foreset with much merriment,Scaring the foolish beasts by brooks and rocks,Till at last he tried to scare the Fox. But Reynard, hearing from beneath the mane That Raucous voice so petulant and vain,Remarked. O' Ass, I too would run away,But that I know your old familiar bray'.That's just the way with asses, just the way.

~ Aesop

He unlaced his arms and took a step forward. You hurt?Not badly. She tried to smile, but her lips only curved on one side. My main problem is that I'm stuck to a cactus.(...)How'd you manage to get tangled up with a cactus? J.T. crouched beside her and started extricating her from the prickly plant.Well, believe it or not, I was on my way to apologize to you when a prairie-dog hole jumped up and grabbed my shoe heel.

~ Karen Witemeyer

Rogue Squadron doesn’t run. Unless we really, really have to.No, this will be Wraith Squadron’s mission.We don’t mind running. Even when we don’t have to.

~ Aaron Allston

Awake,chaos:we have napped.

~ E.e. Cummings

On a Tuesday they were we, and by Friday they were dead and they buried them in the courtyard side by side, oh, my love, and they buried them dies by side breaking away from Gideon with some reluctance, Sophie, rose to her feet and dusted off her dress. Please forgive me, my dear Mr. Lightwood-I mean Gideon- but I must go murder the cook. I shall be directly back.

~ Cassandra Clare

He’s my cat! He’s not God’s cat! Let God have his own cat! Let God have all the damn old cats He wants, and kill them all! Church is mine!

~ Stephen King

No body told you to call your band Salacious Mold, my friend.

~ Cassandra Clare

You make a good point,' Fletcher conceded. 'See, there's a reason why you're the girl and I'm the boy. You think about things while I...''Don't?''Exactly,' he said happily.

~ Derek Landy

Never trust a species that grins all the time. It’s up to something.

~ Terry Pratchett

You can't believe everything people tell you - not even if those people are your own brain.

~ Jefferson Smith