Humour Quotes

Idiots emit bogons, causing machinery to malfunction in their presence. System administrators absorb bogons, letting machinery work again.

~ Charles Stross

Even from far away, I could see people being chased by hellhounds, burned at the stake, forced to run naked through cactus patches or listen to opera music.

~ Rick Riordan

When you walk into a chocolate store, suddenly the most difficult decision you will ever have to make in your life, is which chocolates to pick! It is pure torture! Especially when you are in Belgium surrounded by Belgian chocolates!

~ C. Joybell C.

Martin, at my age, eroticism is reduced to enjoying caramel custard and looking at widows' necks.

~ Carlos Ruiz Zafón

What could she have done? She was a heroine, and with that came certain obligations.

~ Emily C.a. Snyder

I'm living so far beyond my means that we may almost be said to be living apart.

~ Saki

The man behind the check-in counter gives the impression that he has just axe-murdered the motel's owner (and family, and family pet) and is going through these procedures of hostelry so as not to arouse suspicion.

~ Paul Quarrington

Mr Wisdom,' said the girl who had led him into the presence.'Ah,' said Howard Saxby, and there was a pause of perhaps three minutes, during which his needles clicked busily. 'Wisdom, did she say?''Yes. I wrote Cocktail Time''You couldn't have done better,' said Mr Saxby cordially. 'How's your wife, Mr Wisdom?'Cosmo said he had no wife.'Surely?'I'm a bachelor.'Then Wordsworth was wrong. He said you were married to immortal verse. Excuse me a moment,' murmured Mr Saxby, applying himself to the sock again. 'I'm just turning the heel. Do you knit?''No.''Sleep does. It knits the ravelled sleave of care.'(After a period of engrossed knitting, Cosmo coughs loudly to draw attention to his presence.)'Goodness, you made me jump!' he (Saxby) said. 'Who are you?''My name, as I have already told you, is Wisdom''How did you get in?' asked Mr Saxby with a show of interest.'I was shown in.''And stayed in. I see, Tennyson was right. Knowledge comes, but Wisdom lingers. Take a chair.''I have.''Take another,' said Mr Saxby hospitably.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.“I’m your boss, Anna.”“What do you mean?”There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.

~ Andrew Shaffer

Every man is surrounded by a neighborhood of voluntary spies.

~ Jane Austen

A horse loves freedom, and the weariest old work horse will roll on the ground or break into a lumbering gallop when he is turned loose into the open.

~ Gerald Raftery

Then they gave me a loaf of bread and told me to walk through the forest and give some to anyone who asked. I did exactly what they told me, and the second beggar-woman was a fairy in disguise, but instead of saying that whenever I spoke, diamonds and roses would drop from my mouth, she said that since I was so kind, I would never have any problems with my teeth.”“Really? Did it work?”“Well, I haven’t had a toothache since I met her.”“I’d much rather have good teeth than have diamonds and roses drop out of my mouth whenever I said something

~ Patricia C. Wrede

Charm is often despised but I can never see why. No one has it who isn't capable of genuinely liking others, at least at the actual moment of meeting and speaking. Charm is always genuine; it may be superficial but it isn't false.

~ P.d. James

He can’t ground her if he’s already killed her,” I pointed out when Juliana quoted this to me. “Well, he can, but it wouldn’t have the same impact.

~ Claire Lazebnik

Blessed are the meek, for to them we shall say attaboy.

~ Christopher Moore

I'm going to see if Morris has a spare spine lying around you can borrow if you're scared to speak to that high-heeled, smug-ass bitch, Peabody.

~ J.d. Robb

The average IQ in America is—and this can be proven mathematically—average.

~ P.j. O'rourke

He dunked his tea bag and watched the results critically. “I really must get a new supplier. This tea is pathetic. America just doesn’t understand tea at all.

~ Rachel Caine

Don't talk for five minutes, there's a good chap! I've a strange feeling come over me--almost as if I were going to think!

~ Aleister Crowley

The cook was a good cook, as cooks go; and as cooks go, she went.

~ Saki

Alltami (n.)The ancient art of being able to balance the hot and cold shower taps.

~ Douglas Adams

Swans sing before they die— 't were no bad thing Should certain persons die before they sing.

~ Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Dorina? Louis Cesare's voice was loud in my ear. The one I had squeezed against thephone, which was squeezed against my sore shoulder, becuase I was using both hands tokeep Ray's point in his pants.The fey, damm it! I told him. They're for the fey!Which one? Louis Cesare asked, his voice going velvety soft.All of them- No Ray! Ray, cut it out!All of them?

~ Karen Chance

I was glad to be made awarethat “Veimke” (jeune fille au pair),is subject to natural law,and can be made fat,by such things as poor diet,and alcohol.

~ Roman Payne

None of us like to think we are silly. But all must acknowledge that they are capable of silliness, from time to time

~ Jude Morgan

So what does that actually mean?''To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.''Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title,' Tipstaff said.'Of course,' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion.

~ Derek Landy

-You forgot something important!-What?-It's under my sweater!-WHAT?!-Me!

~ Cornelia Funke

And I'm not saying it's a bad song, you know, or anything like that. All I'm saying is that if you get, I don't know, a broom, say, and dip it in some brake fluid, put the other end up my arse, stick me on a trampoline in a moving lift, and I would write a better song on the walls. That's all I'm saying.

~ Dylan Moran

We Slovenians are even better misers than you Scottish. You know how Scotland began? One of us Slovenians was spending too much money, so we put him on a boat and he landed in Scotland.

~ Slavoj Žižek

THING TO TRY: If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.

~ Demetri Martin

Are you scared? I understand. The first time I saw my reflection in the mirror, even I was frightened by how BIG my reflection was.

~ Atsushi Ohkubo

The emperor is naked!The parade stopped. The emperor paused. A hush fell over the crowd, until one quick-thinking peasant shouted:No, he isn't. The emperor is merely endorsing a clothing-optional lifestyle!

~ James Finn Garner

I wish you would tell me your secret. To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.

~ Oscar Wilde

Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin.

~ Edward Gorey

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

~ Demetri Martin

I got to eavesdrop at a window. As Clay said, I did have another option. I could wait in the car and let them fill me in later. So, eavesdropping it was.

~ Kelley Armstrong

All right. He straightened up and seemed to be true to his promise to let it go. I will be a man about this.That lasted until he saw the scratches on the hood from the mountain lion and the front fender, Where Abigail had dragged it off the driveway.Wailing, he went to it and sank to his knees. He sprawled over the hood and laid his head on the damaged fender. I'm so sorry, Bets. I should of hidden the keys. Booted your tires. Something. I had know idea anyone would hurt you so, baby. I swear I'll never let anyone hurt you again. Ayyy, how could they do this to you? How? Oh the humanity!

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

New Year's Eve, where auld acquaintance be forgot. Unless, of course, those tests come back positive.

~ Jay Leno

Dr. Jules Hilbert: Hell Harold, you could just eat nothing but pancakes if you wanted.Harold Crick: What is wrong with you? Hey, I don't want to eat nothing but pancakes, I want to live! I mean, who in their right mind in a choice between pancakes and living chooses pancakes?Dr. Jules Hilbert: Harold, if you pause to think, you'd realize that that answer is inextricably contingent upon the type of life being led... and, of course, the quality of the pancakes.

~ Zach Helm

The thinner the excuse, the fatter the reason for it.

~ Jerry Scott