Humour Quotes

A Prayer was like a tickle.Sooner or later God would have to look down to see what was tickling his bum.

~ Lloyd Jones

I have always been homosexual and it surprises me that more people are not, women's pink bits are moist and forbidding and I enjoy those qualities much more in a Victoria sponge.

~ Robert Clark

I believe that if it were left to artists to choose their own labels, most would choose none.

~ Ben Shahm

Time to start getting more sleep. This beautiful physique needs royal treatment.

~ Elizabeth Rudnick

It's unwise to pay too much, but it's worse to pay too little. Whenyou pay too much, you lose a little money - that's all. When you paytoo little, you sometimes lose everything, because the thing youbought was incapable of doing the thing it was bought to do. Thecommon law of business balance prohibits paying a little and getting alot - it can't be done. If you deal with the lowest bidder, it is wellto add something for the risk you run, and if you do that you willhave enough to pay for something better.

~ John Ruskin

Nothing spoils romance so much as a sense of humor in the woman

~ Oscar Wilde

Fred and George turned to each other and said together, “Wow — we’re identical!

~ J.k. Rowling

Just because your lover died doesn't mean you can't find another. Besides, ifyou don't start dating again your parents will intervene and I've met your parents, they scare the crap out of me.Anthony shivered at the memory of his parents'matchmaking skills. Last time they fixed me up with a fairy.Steven snorted. I thought you didn't like labels.No. He was an actual fairy, you know, from Faeland.That got Steven's full attention. What happened?Anthony shrugged. Let's just say it didn't work out.

~ Amber Kell

whoopdie-friggin-doo, fooled you!

~ Maggie Stiefvater

Once, I asked my mom why stars shine. She said they werenight-lights, so the angels could find their way around in Heaven.But when I asked my dad, he started talking about gas, and somehowI put it all together and figured that the food God served causedmultiple trips to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

~ Jodi Picoult

First of all, you must never speak of anything by its name -- in that country. So, if you see a tree on a mountain, it will be better to say 'Look at the green on the high'; for that's how they talk -- in that country. And whatever you do, you must find a false reason for doing it -- in that country. If you rob a man, you must say it is to help and protect him: that's the ethics -- of that country. And everything of value has no value at all -- in that country. You must be perfectly commonplace if you want to be a genius -- in that country. And everything you like you must pretend not to like; and anything that is there you must pretend is not there -- in that country. And you must always say that you are sacrificing yourself in the cause of religion, and morality, and humanity, and liberty, and progress, when you want to cheat your neighbour -- in that country.Good heavens! cried Iliel, 'are we going to England?

~ Aleister Crowley

It's a shame that we have to choose between two such second-rate countries as the USSR and the USA.

~ Jorge Luis Borges

He burst into the house and ate Grandma, an entirely valid course of action for a carnivore such as himself.

~ James Finn Garner

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

~ Groucho Marx

Anyone who thinks money can't buy happiness has never owned a cat [or any pet].

~ Arya Riverdale

There was a deep silence, only scraped on its surfaces by the faint quiver of empty seed-plumes, and broken grass-blades trembling in small air-movements they could not feel.'Not a bird!' said Sam mournfully.'No, no birds,' said Gollum. 'Nice birds!' He licked his teeth. 'No birds here. There are snakeses, wormses, things in the pools. Lots of things, lots of nasty things. No birds,' he ended sadly. Sam looked at him with distaste.

~ J.r.r. Tolkien

Had that poor Reilly kook really been proud of Levy Pants? He had always said that he was. That was one good sign of his insanity.

~ John Kennedy Toole

Damn straight said Connor. So yeah, I look at you and I could suck start a leaf blower, or drill a Kevin-shaped body hole into the wall, like a cartoon.

~ Z.a. Maxfield

She moved closer to me, put her hands to my face, and kissed me softly on the lips.God, it felt so good.So perfect, so right...It felt so good, I nearly fell off the roof.

~ Kevin Brooks

It was a smooth silvery voice that matched her hair. It had a tiny tinkle in it, like bells in a doll's house. I thought that was silly as soon as I thought of it.

~ Raymond Chandler

I could eat a knob at night.

~ Karl Pilkington

He's never known anything like it! But then, he has never known anything to write home about, so this is nothing to write home about.

~ Tom Stoppard

Books are well written, or badly written. That is all.

~ Oscar Wilde

Yes, you may ask my name but only if you can tell me: are your thighs as fine as a fresh, crisp morning in early July?

~ Robert Clark

I have a sack of hate mail that I want to respond to. One day, when I’m tired or tipsy, I will respond and tell them what I think.

~ Chris Colfer

Fine. You stay here. I shall return when I’ve found food. But when you all faint from hunger later don’t think you can just feed on me.

~ C.j. Daugherty

Grover and Nico came back from their walk, and Grover helped me fix up my wounded arm.It's green! Nico said with delight.

~ Rick Riordan

I love you.''Yeah, well...''You make my heart want to beat.''That's nice and creepy. But I'm with Fletcher.(...) Also, these proclamations of your undying love for me are getting kind of... it's a bit much to be honest. Just hold back a little.''But my love for you is eternal.''That's exactly the kind of thing I'm talking about.

~ Derek Landy

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

~ Erma Bombeck

As women glide from their twenties to thirties, Shazzer argues, the balance of power subtly shifts. Even the most outrageous minxes lose their nerve, wrestling with the first twinges of existential angst: fears of dying alone and being found three weeks later half-eaten by an Alsatian.

~ Helen Fielding

Hairy monkeyballs!” I hiss. “Dogshit on a stick! Puke pancakes!” A head pokes in. Wren, green eyes smiling, walks over to my bed.“I knew you were awake. Who else spews such original and captivating swears?

~ Sara Wolf

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

~ Sacha Guitry

Whirrun ignored ‘em. ‘Then, when I’ve got two cut,’ and he dropped a pale slab of cheese on one slice then slapped the other on top like he was catching a fly, ‘I trap the cheese between then, and there you have it!’‘Bread and cheese.’ Yon weighed the half-loaf in one hand and the cheese in the other. ‘Just the same as I’ve got.’ And he bit off the cheese and tossed it to Scorry.Whirrun sighed. ‘Have none of you no vision?’ He held up his masterpiece to such light as there was, which was almost none. ‘This is no more bread and cheese than a fine axe is wood and iron, or a live person is meat and har.’‘What is it, then?’ asked Drfod, rocking back from his wet wood and tossing the flint aside in disgust.‘A whole new thing. A forging of the humble part of bread and cheese into a greater whole. I call it … a cheese-trap.’ Whirrun took a dainty nibble from one corner. ‘Oh, yes, my friends. This tastes like … progress…

~ Joe Abercrombie

If you don't remove your hands immediately, I will render you unable to biologically maintain life.

~ Kaede Kouchi

Cheese! I exclaimed. It was a secret prayer, whose meaning was known only to God and to me.

~ Alan Bradley

If countries were named after the words you first hear when you go there, England would have to be called Damn It.

~ Georg Christoph Lichtenberg

Cheat? Good heavens, this is an amateur cricket match amongst leading prep schools, I'm an Englishman and a schoolmaster supposedly setting an example to his young charges. We are playing the most artistic and beautiful game ever devised. Of course I'll cunting well cheat. Now, give me my robe and put on my crown. I have immortal longings in me.

~ Stephen Fry

At some point I was a Happy African Feminist Who Does Not Hate Men and Who Likes to Wear Lip Gloss and High Heels for Herself and Not For Men.

~ Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

Sasha snorted. I have never in my extremely long life seen anyone take so long to answer a question. It's like you went into your brain and got lost. you need a bread crumb, buddy? He made a noise like he was calling his pet. Here Lassie, here. Come back girl.

~ Sherrilyn Kenyon

The Captain of the Watch says if you're still in the City by sunrise he will personally have you buried alive.

~ Terry Pratchett