Humour Quotes

It was a trap. It was so obviously a trap.Darquesse smiled.

~ Derek Landy

The rottweiler stood his ground and waited for me to take the next step in the dance of ritualized intimidation. Instead, I leaped at him. Screw ritual. Now was not the time to stand on ceremony.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Bowman turned his back on her and began to search the place methodically and exhaustively. When one searches any place, be it a gypsy caravan or a baronial mansion, methodically and exhaustively, one has to wreck it completely in the process.So, in a orderly and systematic fashion, Bowman set about reducing Czerda's caravan to a total ruin.

~ Alistair Maclean

Congratulations.You've just been demoted from the pity sector to the apathy sector.To check the validity of this offer you can ask if anyone cares.To cancel your subscription, go get a life.Thank you.

~ Sanhita Baruah

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

~ Karl Pilkington

I attributed their behavior to the fact that they didn't have a TV, but television didn't teach you everything. Asking for candy on Halloween was called trick-or-treating, but asking for candy on November first was called begging, and it made people uncomfortable. This was one of the things you were supposed to learn simply by being alive, and it angered me that the Tomkeys did not understand it.

~ David Sedaris

You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?

~ Terry Pratchett

I would never say snog. I would say osculate. She looks at me as if to say: why do you exist?

~ Joe Dunthorne

Does Uncle Bob have anything?I heard he has an STD.I mean on the women.Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

~ Darynda Jones

The only thing worse than fighting a giant scorpion was fighting a giant scorpion who was trying to protect her young.

~ Suzanne Collins

You are not the first, and will not be the last, to say so. I wear my “warped” label with pride.

~ Jessica Park

I had never before been a special fan of that great comedian Phyllis Diller, but she utterly won my heart this week by sending me an envelope that, when opened, contained a torn-off square of brown-bag paper of the kind suitable for latrine duty in an ill-run correctional facility. Duly unfurled, it carried a handwritten salutation reading as follows:Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your f******I could not possibly improve on the sentiment, but I don't think it ought to depend on the current austerities. Isn't Christmas a moral and aesthetic nightmare whether or not the days are prosperous?

~ Christopher Hitchens

Now, what does a vampire do with a computer? Keep track of investments? Send e-mail to other vampires as you all plot to take over the world?” “I spend a lot of time on Wikipedia making corrections to the entries of historical figures I’ve known.” I blinked at him. “Really?” “No, Kitty. That was a joke.

~ Carrie Vaughn

If they were going to be like that, then I just wished they hadn't actually been German. It was too easy. Too obvious. It was like coming across an Irishman who actually was stupid, a mother-in-law who actually was fat, or an American businessman who actually did have a middle initial and smoked a cigar. You feel as if you are unwillingly performing in a music-hall sketch and wishing you could rewrite the script. If Helmut and Kurt had been Brazilian or Chinese or Latvian or anything else at all, they could then have behaved in exactly the same way and it would have been surprising and intriguing and, more to the point from my perspective, much easier to write about. Writers should not be in the business of propping up stereotypes. I wondered what to do about it, decided that they could simply be Latvians if I wanted, and then at last drifted off peacefully to worrying about my boots.

~ Douglas Adams

How could you receive a member of the Male Sex in your bedroom, and in your dressing gown?Sir, I must request you to leave immediately!You don't mean to tell me that's a dressing gown? interrupted Mr Carlton, a dangerous gleam in his eyes. Well, it's by far the most elegant one I've ever been priviledged to see, and I suppose I must have seen scores of 'em in my time-paid for them too!

~ Georgette Heyer

Horses frighten me as much as chickens do,’ he said.‘That is too bad, because lack of communication with horses has impeded human progress,’ said Abrenuncio. ‘If we ever broke down the barriers, we could produce the centaur.

~ Gabriel García Márquez

Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) Libby let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out of her bum-oley with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her.

~ Louise Rennison

I was coming down off the last painkiller left in my dresser drawer after Autumn tossed my stash. In that moment I was so groggy and happy I would have accepted a date with Oscar the Grouch - and planned to do some serious feeling up on the green furry beast too. Yeah, stooping to pharmaceutical-inspired sex fantasies about garbage can Sesame Street characters - that had to be the best Just Say No drug lecture a girl in a leg cast could ever receive to make her go cold turkey off the meds.

~ Rachel Cohn

Xander Harris: Just when you think you know a guy he robs a mass grave and takes off.

~ Diana G. Gallagher

How would it be,” said Pooh slowly, “if, as soon as we’re out of sight of this Pit, we try to find it again?”“What’s the good of that?” said Rabbit.“Well,” said Pooh, “we keep looking for Home and not finding it, so I thought that if we looked for this Pit, we’d be sure not to find it, which would be a Good Thing, because then we might find something that we weren’t looking for, which might be just what we were looking for, really.”“I don’t see much sense in that,” said Rabbit.“No,” said Pooh humbly, “there isn’t. But there was going to be when I began it. It’s just that something happened to it on the way.

~ Milne

Me? I like wearing a condom. It means I'm having sex. I already spend most of my time NOT wearing one. It's like a tuxedo - I enjoy putting one on for special occasions.

~ David Mazzucchelli

Christmas, as a practicing Catholic child, was seen as a reward for lots and lots and lots of church.

~ Jenny Colgan

Is she dead? called Zenda.Sort of

~ I Shouted

Miss Runcible wore trousers and Miles touched up his eye-lashes in the dining-room of the hotel where they stopped for luncheon. So they were asked to leave.

~ Evelyn Waugh

Doyle: What is it now, then?Cordelia: Isn't java supposed to be a coffee?Doyle: Ready to abandon the the Web project?Cordelia: No way. We have a chance here to make contact with the millions of people out there who are glued to their computers.Doyle: All those millions, shunning human contact. I'll never understand it. Call me old-fashioned, if you like, but I want to interface with a face, not a hunk of plastic and glass.Cordelia: Climb out of the Dark Ages, Munchkin man.Doyle: It's leprechaun, and either way, I don't appreciate the insult.

~ John Passarella

I gather you yellow-skinned men, despite your triumphs in sewage, drinking water, and Olympic gold medals, still don't have democracy. Some politician on the radio was saying that that's why we Indian are going to beat you: we may not have sewage, drinking water, and Olympic gold medals, but we do have democracy.If I were making a country, I'd get the sewage pipes first, then the democracy, then I'd go about giving pamphlets and statues of Gandhi to other people, but what do I know? I am just a murderer!

~ Aravind Adiga

The champagne had been donated by one of Gus's doctors - Gus being the kind of person who inspires doctors to give their best bottles of champagne to children.

~ John Green

Incidentally, I only have one cavity, and as much as my dentist asks me to, I just can't bring myself to floss.

~ Stephen Chbosky

As for Percy, he held his magic ballpoint pen like he was trying to decide whether to bust out some sword moves or autograph Nike’s chariot.

~ Rick Riordan

When a man plans, a woman laughs.

~ David Wong

When he didn't answer, she didn't know if it was because he couldn't or if he was back to not talking to her. Back to pushing her out of his life.Men! Why was it that boys said girls were so hard to understand, when she hadn't known a single guy who hadn't confused her to the point of screaming?

~ C.c. Hunter

I regret that I didn’t realize that actually they’ve got no power over you at school — it’s all just a trick to indoctrinate you into being a conditioned, tame, placid citizen. Rebel, children, I urge you, fight the turgid slick of conformity with which they seek to smother your glory.

~ Russell Brand

Stephanie could see the greed seep into the watery eyes of herfather’s other brother, a horrible little man called Fergus, as henodded sadly and spoke sombrely and pocketed the silverwarewhen he thought no one was looking

~ Derek Landy

Cat, you asked me before to find out if those dream -suppression pills had any side effects. I’ve checked with Pathology, and they said you might experience depression, mood swings, irritability, paranoia, and chronic fatigue. Have you noticed any of that?

~ Jeaniene Frost

He had them as spellbound as a room full of Ewoks listening to C-3PO.

~ Cory Doctorow

Aberystwyth (n.)A nostalgic yearning which is in itself more pleasant than the thing being yearned for.

~ Douglas Adams

I had always been warned that American didn't always get sarcasm

~ Lindsey Kelk

I bought a packet of Trojan® Ultra Pleasure Extra Sensitive condoms: ‘No. 1 in AMERICA’. They smell nothing like a positive first sexual experience.

~ Joe Dunthorne

The groom should not see you in the dress just before the wedding, that’s bad luck. You know what’s worst luck? Is getting married, itself. I’ve read studies. It’s like 2 out of 3 of those end in divorce, sometimes more. 3 out of 2, some.

~ Hank Moody

Laughing in the cultural industry is mockery of happiness.

~ Theodor W. Adorno