Humour Quotes

Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time.

~ Scott Adams

Lately...the Peter Principle has given way to the Dilbert Principle. The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

~ Scott Adams

Theory of Evolution (Summary)First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management.

~ Scott Adams

It doesn't matter what your boss thinks as long as he doesn't cry.

~ Gerry Geek

We can't all be bakers or chefs. Many of us have modest ambitions. But we can all buy a piece of the pie.

~ Amah Lambert

I am halfway through Hillary Clinton's latest called Living History...pretty lighthearted on the scale...unlike David Hick's autobiography...I had to skip a couple of hundred pages in the middle of that one because it was too distressing for me to read. Undoubtedly yours will be the same...I will read the beginning, skip all the awful bit in the middle and read your happy ever after bit at the end.

~ Paige Garland

We came from nothing, we'll leave with nothing; might as well make the most of the brief somethingness in between

~ M. James Airey

No Matter what you're, Matter is ; What you do.

~ Harishankar Kaushik

Trust the vibes you get, energy doesn’t lie.

~ Genereux Philip

Kurt pick his way around testing for heat before taking each step and avoiding places where the ash was heaps up.

~ Nick Hastings

Tell me, Lothaire, I want to know. Convince me why I should love you.”“Because any other female would!

~ Kresley Cole

As usual, he saves his wife's for last. He leans on the cane and he looks at the headstone and he thinks about many things. Taffy. He thinks about taffy. He thinks it would take his teeth out now, but he would eat it anyhow, if it meant eating it with her.

~ Mitch Albom

There is a point in the future where even the worst disaster starts to settle into an anecdote.

~ David Nicholls

I thought you guys could detect witches. Jonathan muttered as soon as he got over his shock at seeing two people materialise in front of him. The wiccan sat on the floor, his shoulder being strapped with a makeshift bandage, by the ever-practical Ian.We detect magic, not witches. Hunter clarified. We can't feel anything out of the ordinary, unless they start casting.Oh fantastic! Jonathan groaned. I'll remember that excuse later.

~ K.s. Marsden

Never grow up!

~ R.w. Mitchell

Linc was so amazed at what he saw and heard, “This is sooo cool. I love this place. This looks way better than a day spotting weird people at Walmart.

~ S.w. Lothian

Jesus paid for our sins, so let's get our money's worth.

~ F. Paul Wilson

The only thing I hate about good people is that they like making their being good people bad people’s problem.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The pleasure or the benefit that the object of our deed derives from it is every now and then greater or even more important than the one we derive from the deed.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Every single good person is a good person for their own sake, not for the sake of humanity, not even for the sake of another human being.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

No single bad person regards themselves as a bad person.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

To label someone as selfless is symptomatic of having bought the preposterous claim that a human being can have great concern for other human beings and little concern for themselves, or that, when taken to extremes, a human being can have great concern for other human beings and absolutely no concern for themselves.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

It is humanly impossible to be selfless. As a matter of fact, human beings are inherently selfish.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

Even while we hate, we still have that deep unusual  compassion for our rivals, and they hate it when they realize that we are feeling sorry for them.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

As I travelled south through Europe everything got bigger. This applied to nice things like fruit-the nectarines and tomatoes were about six times as large in Greece as they were in Britain for example. But the principle also applied to unpleasant things, like spiders, and worms, and all other nameless and horrifying insects and arachnids of Greece.

~ Margaret Eleanor Leigh

I paid for two seats at the back of the car to give my thighs breathing space. The gangly man sitting next to me used the extra space to spread his legs as widely as possible, leaving me squeezed once again against the window. I was livid. Months of travelling cheek-by-jowl in cars had instilled in me a new-found loathing of men’s legs, which, like air, seem constantly to expand to fill the space available. I’m amazed they’re not all buried in Y-shaped coffins.

~ Noo Saro-Wiwa

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

~ Karl Pilkington

Damoder climbed slowly to his feet. 'Buy lot!' he wheedled, 'I am poor man. I sell you cheap. I am bank-Rupert! Apparently the only things that could save him from bank-rupertcy were our dollars.

~ Frank Kusy

He was lonely. I could see that. He was working his butt off-and mine, too-in the hope that a million rupees might sort out his sex life. I prayed to Buddha he would be successful. If he didn't get some action soon, I doubted I would, either.

~ Frank Kusy

After a lifetime of soft, easy living in the West, one's buttocks take an awful hammering out here. Backpacking around India is just one long round of sitting on bone-hard, chafing, bruising and generally uncomfortable seats-whether in buses our trains, or restaurants or cinemas. There is no such thing as a padded seat in the whole country.

~ Frank Kusy

Prose fills a space, like a liquid poured in from the top, but poetry occupies it, arrays itself in formation, sets up camp and refuses to budge.

~ Simon Armitage

In the cramped confines of the toilet I had trouble getting out of my wet trousers, which clung to my legs like a drowning man. The new ones were quite complicated too in that they had more legs than a spider; either that or they didn't have enough legs to get mine into. The numbers failed to add up. Always there was one trouser leg too many or one of my legs was left over. From the outside it may have looked like a simple toilet, but once you were locked in here the most basic rules of arithmetic no longer held true.

~ Geoff Dyer

The pen is truly mightier than the sword. Unless you're holding a pen and the other guy's holding a sword.

~ Dave Besseling

What an absurdity to go and bury oneself in South America, where they are always having revolutions.

~ Agatha Christie

Chasing something external to satisfy the internal is a hollow practice. The only thing you can chase is yourself and you are already here!

~ Tresh An

If i believe my truth is true and you believe your truth is true,what if my truth says yours is a lie.is it still true?

~ Lecrea

If you forget who you've become remember who you are

~ Benny Bellamacina

The best thing to learn from any government is that it does not get affacted by what other people talk or think about it.

~ Amit Kalantri

A VIP area is nothing without not-so-important people.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

The perfect body protects its owner from disease, gives birth to amazing new people and stops your bones from falling out. The end.

~ Heather Hill