Humour Quotes

If you're working out in front of a mirror and watching your muscles grow, your ego has reached a point where it is now eating itself. That's why I believe there should be a psychiatrist at every health club, so that when they see you doing this, they will take you away for a little chat.

~ Lewis Black

When it comes to your self-esteem, it is best not to value the opinions of deluded psychopaths.

~ Rosen Trevithick

There’s only one person to blame for lack of self confidence

~ Benny Bellamacina

Some people are street-smart, some people are book-smart, but most people are just dumber than dirt.

~ Lois Greiman

The good thing about the aristocracy – German or English – was that they were easily traced, Mirabelle thought.

~ Sara Sheridan

Her hair was pulled back so severely, it would have won approval from the Spanish Inquisition as a method of torture.

~ Will Thomas

Colorful characters are the odd shaped pieces that fill the holes in life's puzzle.

~ Richard Stephens

I don´t listen to hoax or rumours, but I like a good sense of humour. If you are wrong, be wise, apologize. Otherwise, be kind and rewind. Gone with the wind...

~ Ana Claudia Antunes

If there's anything worse in this world than a bad batch of babi guling, it's hindsight.

~ S.a. Tawks

I wanted to give you advice. Adults are always doing that, it's one of their occupational hazards.

~ Maia Wojciechowska

Men will always be boys.

~ Lailah Gifty Akita

If you can identify humor in problems then you will have less difficulties in solving them... Most importantly, you should be able to laugh on yourself.

~ Honeya

He wanted to start from the top while he knew nothing of the beginning and that was why he was always swimming at the bottom. He liked to think he was an entrepreneur and was even on Dragon’s Den with the silliest invention ever: a machine to scratch his back. Why don’t you just reach out, you lazy twit?

~ Luella Christie

Correct the blunders on your face made through self-delusion – this would be far more fitting than to want to teach me, which is just as if a sow trying to teach Minerva.

~ Luella Christie

Women who seek advice from single women about getting a man is like asking a homeless man how to be rich.

~ Habeeb Akande

Stay cool, and wait for opportunity.

~ Tibor Fischer

I’ve brought you some things from home,’ I said, gesturing at the bag on the floor. ‘Some clothes and books – things like that.’‘Books – great! That’ll make things easier. You know I can’t read worth a damn right now!’‘There’s also some music. Schubert’s fifth, Mendelssohn’s third, Mozart’s Clarinet Concerto, Mahler’s fourth—’‘I would have preferred his sixth.’‘You’re not well enough for his sixth'.

~ Gavin Extence

Grandma's house had the atmosphere of a Tupperware box left out in the sun. Like a tropical flower, she had to be kept warm and moist at all times, or she would wilt and die.

~ Matthew Crow

It's just...how do I put this? Maybe it's just hard for me to imagine turning down something that's so much harder for someone like me to find.

~ Liz Czukas

But I don't want to be a vampire drone.' Sophronia winced. 'They'll suck my blood and make me wear only the very latest fashions.

~ Gail Carriger

Sadie gave her head an exaggerated scratch. ‘Don’t come too close if you know what’s good for you, these nits are on steroids.

~ Sharon Sant

Jake's in trouble.'Luca rolled his eyes. 'What now?''He's gone off somewhere, I think I know where, and I don't think it's good.''Cant that boy ever stay in and watch telly like the rest of us?

~ Sharon Sant

Jacob glanced across at the woman. 'She'd have you for breakfast, mate.''Yeah,' Luca countered, 'maybe I want to be had for breakfast.

~ Sharon Sant

Thanks for not trying to see me when I looked like hell.”“To be fair, you still look pretty bad.

~ John Green

Look,’ said Cyrus, raising his knife again and pointing it at her. ‘Give me one reason why we shouldn’t kill your boyfriend over there. Come on. The dark scowling face is reason enough in my book.’She could have sworn she heard the sound of Lucas’s eyes narrowing to slits.‘Come on, just one reason,’ Cyrus repeated, ‘and it better not include the words love, eternal or soul.

~ Sarah Alderson

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her Mama had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse kick you in the face.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so old, her memory is in black and white.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, her dentist treats her by mail order.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

When Chuck Norris calls 911 it's to ask if everything is ok.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so poor, when I lit her house on fire, the cockroaches came out singing, “Clap your hands, stomp your feet, praise the Lord, we got some heat!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama’s so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said, “Sorry, no professionals.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If Yo Mama and Yo Daddy got a divorce, they'd still be brother and sister.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like mustard, she spreads easy.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama sucks so much d***, her lips went double platinum.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed