Humour Quotes

What’s the difference between Yo Mama and a 747?-About 20 pounds.-Yo mama carries more passengers.-Not everyone's been on a 747.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's like a library, open to the public.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Yo Mama's so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight, the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside.

~ Oliver Oliver Reed

If an angry bull is running toward you, and your pants become wet despite holding the red cloth, make sure the other side of the cloth is white.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

If you have pain in your ass, it doesn’t mean you have done something wrong, but it’s probably because you’re wearing your little brother’s underwear.

~ Waheed Ibne Musa

I'm going to photograph every single person to enter and leave this tattoo parlour. Finbar rolled his eyes. And they'll hate that, because people who get dragons drawn on their backs are normally so shy about other people noticing them.

~ Derek Landy

Kelly was not going to remove her glasses. No matter what the television said about it being safe to do during the 'totality'. The television also told her she wouldn't age if she bought expensive creams and pills.

~ Guillermo Del Toro

Life is way too short, so try to enjoy every minute of it with a sense of humor!

~ Christina Scalise

I have been told the best things in life are free ~ I found them very expensive.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

And I thought kitty liter was the unlawful practice of discarding small felines along the roadside.

~ Robert J. Morrissette

As a comedian, the more you commit the sin of stupidity, three essential things happen to your life:~people applaud you incessantly.~love you more than their parents.~give you a daily bread.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Thought for the day: Twitter...140 character limit...must be a great tool for fortune cookie writers...

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Love may be on the horizon, but beware something wicked this way comes.

~ Wilkie Martin

110, 111 whatever it takes!Michael Keaton character in Mr. Mom

~ Mark Buff

Always take a compliment, even if it’s not yours

~ Benny Bellamacina

Nature doesn't really have intentions, per se. Nature is a drunk waking up from a weekend bender, ambling through a messy kitchen in a pair of mismatched slippers, seeing its car in the neighbor's pool and saying, Ah good. It was dirty. Just the thing.

~ Pat Connid

I had an aunt named 'abnormal Shauna' once. But she passed away in an unfortunate cliff-top interpretative dance and fireworks accident.

~ Joshua Donellan

Somehow I'd still managed to go all retarded at the sight of some handsome asshole with a nice smile.

~ C.j. Roberts

A celebrity farts, and everyone endures, but the unpopular will be thrased to death.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

She had spears of straw and grass in her hair, not like Ophelia gone mad through contact with Hamlet's madness, but because she had slept in some stable loft.

~ Victor Hugo

People should think that being a writer is cool. Even if you’re just a starving writer. Besides, most great writers were starving at one point or another. It comes with the title.

~ Zack Love

Fancourt can't write women,' said Nina dismissively. 'He tries but he can't do it. His women are all temper, tits and tampons.

~ Robert Galbraith

Everyone assumes writers spend their time lounging around, writing and occasionally striking a pose whilst having a think.

~ Sara Sheridan

Crime writers, I've noticed, can be jumpy. They live in a world where there are murderers on the loose and they haven't been caught yet!

~ Sara Sheridan

To refer even in passing to unpublished or struggling authors and their problems is to put oneself at some risk, so I will say here and now that any unsolicited manuscripts or typescripts sent to me will be destroyed unread. You must make your way yourself. Why you should be so set on the nearly always disappointing profession is a puzzling question.

~ Kingsley Amis

America takes her writers too seriously.

~ Kingsley Amis

I am a writer, I'm supposed to be intense and emotional

~ Natasha Duncan-Drake

So off had gone John to the wars again. But he had not remained for long in the position of a humble volunteer. Colonel Clifton, commanding the 1st Regiment of Dragoons, no sooner heard that Crazy Jack was back then he enrolled him as an extra aide-de-camp.

~ Georgette Heyer

I knew that I was talented. I was positive about that. I wasn’t sure exactly what I was talented at, but I was ambitious enough to wait it out and see what turned up.

~ Sara Sheridan

Is there a reason why you’re standing there, staring out the window and watching the neighbors? Are we preparing to kill them and drag them down to the basement and bury them alive?

~ R.l. Mathewson

Meet Logan Jackson, smug, self-entitled, proud, arrogant, trust-fund brat.

~ Ali Harper

Then what’s this?” She raised her glass of expensive wine, used it to indicate their plush surroundings.His gaze followed her indication around the dim-lit, upmarket Italian restaurant. “Dinner in comfort.”“With a side order of persuasion?”“More like an offer I’m hoping you can’t refuse.

~ Monique Devere

Focus. She’s Maddie. Your friend. Would you eyeball Keith or Dane’s butt like that? ~ Zach

~ Monique Devere

Basically, dating is like climbing a volcano and you never know when it’s going to erupt, dumping molten lava and burning you

~ Robin Bielman

Peyton, I’m not married and you’re not a lesbian. Think of the possibilities.

~ Robyn Carr

I mean, I don’t want to pass judgment—I just wish my husband didn’t shoot deer.”“Oh, Mel, don’t worry. I’ve been hunting with your husband—the deer are completely safe.

~ Robyn Carr

Big surprise, I put you to sleep. Don’t feel bad. It happens all the time.

~ Robyn Carr

You should get a better boyfriend. One with an IQ higher than a turnip.

~ Robyn Carr