Humour Quotes

You dance?”“I think that might be overly optimistic,” he said. “I do something. I’ll try not to hurt you.

~ Robyn Carr

I’ll always be your friend,” he said. “Your best friend, if you let me. But I want to be your lover, too.” He groaned and shifted in his chair. “Soon. I want to be that soon.” Then a look came over him. “Oh Gina…I didn’t even court you! God, I should date you first before I beg you to take off your clothes!

~ Robyn Carr

A million possible endearments ran through his head. But he said, “Help.

~ Robyn Carr

Isn’t he cute? That he thinks he has a sense of humour?

~ Robyn Carr

He’d never been shy, but he’d always been a little uncertain around girls. He just couldn’t believe they liked him.

~ Robyn Carr

His desire for this to be a joke was quickly replaced by a desire for whiskey.

~ A. Ashley Straker

Max?' he asked.'Yeah?''...What are you doing?''Shooting people.

~ A. Ashley Straker

For a moment, Simon's sympathetic nervous system forgot he was arachnophobic. The sight of those spindly legs rising, like an ink drawing popping out of paper into three-dimensional space, should have caused a surge of adrenaline, a yelp of panic, and at least three feet of involuntary back-peddling.

~ A. Ashley Straker

The unfortunate 8075 hadn't survived his assault, splintering apart, fragments of its casing skittering across the bench. The battery within had split along its plane, revealing something as out-of-place as a missile in a bathtub.

~ A. Ashley Straker

He had no problem with flies or bugs or beetles, even creepy ones like earwigs and cockroaches...Six legs were fine, but eight were alien and unnatural.'The same number of legs as four fully-grown serial killers!

~ A. Ashley Straker

Odessa sighed. 'When I said you were one of the smartest people in the company, I was referring solely to your technical abilities. Now get to work.

~ A. Ashley Straker

Who gave you a gun?''The army.''Why?''That's what the army does, Simon.

~ A. Ashley Straker

He realised he was in a chair. The world was white and blurry in half his vision, and it took him a few moments to realise a sheet of paper was stuck to his face.

~ A. Ashley Straker

I tried to say something cool, wound up stammering something like, “WANNA YOU WANNA WEENIE ME?” The end kind of trailed off in a shrill, choking warble.

~ David Wong

Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of being well-preserved, but to skid sideways, chocolate in one hand, wine in the other, still screaming, 'Whoo what a ride!

~ Theresa Hollis

Who knew death could lead to an eating disorder?

~ Corey Redekop

Host: For those of you just tuning in, our guests tonight are the amazing Murder Magician, and his lovely minion, The Assistant...Assistant: Charmed, I'm sureHost: Who recently killed The Rumor. And you were awarded the Oppenheimer prize for villainy at last week's annual summit for dastardly deeds-- what are you going to do with all that money?Murder Magician: Well, I'm so glad you asked that-- because I spent all the money on this giant MURDERBOT, and I've been dying to show it off!Assistant: It's true... every penny.Host: Wow! That's impressive! So what does it do?Murder Magician: Well, Mr. Clark... it murders people.Laughter.Murder Magician: I'm serious.Assistant: He is.

~ Gerard Way

Howl howl gargle howl gargle howl howl howl gargle howl gargle howl howl gargle gargle howl gargle gargle gargle howl slurrp uuuurgh should have a good time. Message repeats.

~ Douglas Adams

Space, as you can see, is a complete void, nothing but clear air, without solid objects or the illumination of light. On some of our photographs of space, however, studied close to, even without a magnifying glass or an enlargement lens, you will notice, in the remote background, stars, some solitary, others in shimmering clusters. And in the next set of photographs you will see the alien machine we encountered that sat stubbornly stationary in the way of our unselfgoverned path.

~ Philip Dodd

In turkle time a lin is the briefest moment that can just about be measured. Ninety lins make a tikk, one hundred tikks make a lod, thirty eight lods make a yan, the time it takes the planet Ankor to make one complete turn in the path of the star, Ruru, its main source of light and warmth. Ten yans make a zac. Six zacs make a yod, twenty yods make a zik. Twelve ziks make a zan. Sixteen zans make a nik.

~ Philip Dodd

What's it like to be a living legend? A lot fucking better than being a dead one... Geordie Selwyn, Appetite for Corruption

~ Hilary Mortz

Another oral exam, huh?' Peter said.'Shut up, Peter,' said Valentine.'You should relax and enjoy it,' said Peter. 'It could be worse.''I don't know how.''It could be an anal exam.

~ Orson Scott Card

The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.

~ Douglas Adams

Despite centuries of English literature, the most famous split infinitive in all of history comes from Star Trek.

~ R. Curtis Venture

We break our huddle and Eight immediately transforms into one of his massive avatars. His handsome features melt away, replaced by the snarling face and golden mane of a lion. He grows to about twelve feet, ten arms sprouting out of his sides, each of them tipped with razor-sharp claws. Nine whistles through his teeth.'Now we're talking,' Nine says. 'One of your parents must've been a chimæra. Probably your mom.

~ Pittacus Lore

This has serveral consequences, starting with screwing over most cryptography algorithms--translation: all your bank account are belong to us--

~ Charles Stross

Time is the worst place, so to speak, to get lost in, as Arthur Dent could testify, having been lost in both time and space a good deal. At least being lost in space kept you busy.

~ Douglas Adams

On a world where a common table implement is a little device with which you crack the ice that has formed on your drink between drafts, hot beer is a thing you come to appreciate.

~ Ursula K. Le Guin

Are you a house-wife, Mrs Silvers?' he asked. 'What would you recommend for getting burger relish out of a white shirt?'The seething woman cranked the venom-level of her gaze up to eleven, and Raven smiled pleasantly back.

~ A. Ashley Straker

He felt like a baked bean in a can, soaring through the air on a downward turn of a parabolic arc...

~ A. Ashley Straker

I grab at Smitty and he at me, and, for one horrible, deperately embarrassing second we fly into each others arms like Shaggy and Scooby Don't.

~ Kirsty Mckay

Once there was an elephant,Who tried to use the telephant-No! no! I mean an elephoneHe tried to use the telephone-(Dear me! I am not certain quiteThat even now I've got it right.)Howe'er it was, he got his trunkEntangled in the telephunk;The more he tried to get it free, The louder buzzed the telephee-(I fear I'd better drop the songOf elephop and telephong!)

~ Laura Elizabeth Richards

Now Leroux, what think youOf this twist to the story?

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Caleb dumped me on my birthday,Before I’d ordered an entrée,“What a dick!” some might say!But don’t you worry my little sheep,I am not sad and will not weep,For Caleb Jones is a cheat!He two-timed me with some ho,Whose name is Kacey ‘Slut’ Munroe!But I don’t care about my foe,For I have found a brand new guy,My Blue Eyed, Mr Berry Pie!And I know, he won’t make me cry,For I did fall under his spell,To him, I am his gorgeous Belle,So Caleb Jones can go to Hell!

~ Joanne Mcclean

Laziness always wins.

~ Tibor Fischer

Well,’said Ernest, ‘by some strange coincidence I know this story.’Boddichek was not good at irony. ‘I knew that there was that possibility,’ he said, ‘but we have a great new way to treat it, and I thought you might want to reread it before taking a meeti

~ Jonathan Lynn

He’s more a shape in a drape than a hep cat

~ Sara Sheridan

Mr Hawkins said nothing, the Hawkins' domestic affairs were arranged upon the principle that Fanny supplied the talk and he the silence.

~ Susanna Clarke

I phoned the Admiral back.'It's no use, Admiral, the French speak nothing but French.'There was a short pause on the end of the line then his voice rattled into life like a sabre.'They're lying, Tim!''What?''The French Navy must by law speak English, as English is the international maritime language of the sea.''Has anyone told the French that?'The line went dead for a moment before he thundered, 'Yes Nelson. At the battle of Trafalgar.'I tried to stifle an irresistibly British giggle not knowing if the Admiral was making a joke or not. I got it right. He was serious.

~ Tim Fitzhigham

The feeling of 'turning into your dad' is nothing compared to the realisation that your son is turning into you.

~ Andy Graham