Humour Quotes

It is one of the benchmarks of a culture I always think – the page at which it operates. A good way to measure it is to order a taxi and see how irate local people get if it is late.

~ Sara Sheridan

Rebellion is all we'll be talking about. Love is revolution, a kind of coup d'état and cultural reprogramming in its own little way.

~ The Harvard Lampoon

I tend to throw tantrums a lot. Wear a helmet in my presence.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

i do not give a sh*t, the toilet miss me now

~ Mohlalefi J Motsima

Only a man with nothing to hide could make that kind of racket.

~ Sara Sheridan

How?' Irene enquired. She'd decided a while back that Socratic reasoning was a good idea, because (a) it got students thinking for them selves, (b) sometimes they came up with ideas she hadn't thought of, and (c) it gave her more time to think while they were trying to find answers.

~ Genevieve Cogman

He often came back ‘all thinky’ from work.

~ Sara Sheridan

I tried to think outside the box but couldn't open the lid.

~ Alan Dapre

Chances are that there are white people who brag about being the first to move out of a suburb that has been intruded by blacks.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

I love my ex so much I printed out all his pictures. After all, I need him for target practice. And I just love customised toilet paper and doormats. My only regret is that those items don't bear his autograph.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

Other married people have lived together and hated each other. Why shouldn't we? We may forget even to hate.

~ E. Phillips Oppenheim

The sign of a good conscience is for a man to be in support of basically everything that Westboro Baptist isn't.

~ Luke Myer

I need some space.Because of my past?No, because of mine. When I'm around you I feel like I'm falling. I need to stop before I smash into the ground.Are you always so honest?No. Mostly I'm a liar like you.

~ Anna Mcpartlin

I like bread, and I like butter - but I like bread with butter best.

~ Sarah Weiner

I was wary of my sister's cooking, which invariably consisted of a tubular pasta and economy cheese, charred black on the surface, with either tinned tuna or lardy mince lurking beneath the molten crust ... So that evening, in a tiny flat in Tooting, I was pushed into the tiny kitchen where sixteen people sat crammed around a tiny trestle table designed for pasting wallpaper, one of my sister's notorious pasta bakes smouldering in its centre like a meteorite, smelling of toasted cat food.

~ David Nicholls

Savour life's pleasures in abundance

~ Ginger Sullivan

Don't just live your life, set it on fire!

~ Ginger Sullivan

I've never seen anyone get so excited by breakfast before.Are you serious? It's the most important meal of the day. Sometimes, at bedtime, I plan what I'm going to make for breakfast and then get so excited I can't sleep.

~ Holly Bourne

Have a chocolate-covered raisin,” he said.“They look like rat droppings,” said the Chair.The Dean peered at them in the gloom.“So that’s it,” he said. “The bag fell on the floor a minute ago, and I thought there seemed rather a lot.

~ Terry Pratchett

He had to be nice to me at the moment because he had to be surrounded by people. This was because boys like him were, essentially, pasta. Everyone thought they loved him because they had never been forced to experience the true blandness of him on his own.

~ Matthew Crow

Mrs Guinea answered my letter and invited me to lunch at her home. That was where I saw my first finger-bowl.The water had a few cherry blossoms floating in it, and I thought it must be some clear sort of Japanese after-dinner soup and ate every bit of it, including the crisp little blossoms. Mrs Guinea never said anything, and it was only much later, when I told a debutant I knew at college about dinner, that I learned what I had done.

~ Sylvia Plath

My philosophy in life is to eat, drink and investigate - in that order.

~ Mel Healy

D’yer see it? This finger, laddie, could send ye to meet yer Maker!”Sgt. Deisenburger stared at the black and purple nail a few inches from his face. As an offensive weapon it rated quite highly, especially if it was ever used in the preparation of food.

~ Terry Pratchett

Tell me what you do with the food you eat, and I’ll tell you who you are. Some turn their food into fat and manure, some into work and good humor, and others, I’m told, into God.” - Zorba.

~ Nikos Kazantzakis

Silas consumed only one food, and it was not bananas.

~ Neil Gaiman

I think this goat must have been fed on old boots,' Stubble complained as he chewed the last scraps of flesh from the bones littering his stew.

~ Carl Sargent

Those that know, do not need explanations, and those that do not, would not understand any explanations.

~ Michelle Frost

Without desire, one is a walking cadaver.

~ Karldon Okruta

The choices that women make sometimes seems provoking and at the same time amusing. I once met a lady who said she liked my amusing facial expression.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

Holly girl, you are all too human, I can assure you. Prickly and awkward and human, because that's what witches are - human, that is, not necessarily the prickly and annoying bit. That's just you.

~ J.s. Watts

... a man aint so different from a horse or a mule, come long come short, except a mule or a horse has got a little more sense.

~ William Faulkner

Life wasn't too bad. The trouble with Man was, even while he was having a good time, he didn't appreciate it. Why, thought Milligan, this very moment might be the happiest in me life. The very thought of it made him miserable.

~ Spike Milligan

I don't know who you are; you could be an axe murderer for all I know. How am I supposed to trust you and follow you? For that matter, follow you where? Gabe inquired.Search yourself, what do your instincts tell you? Uri asked.That you're a crazy nut job and freaking me out! Gabe snapped back.

~ Wendy Owens

He jokingly thought that this guy fancied himself some kind of Jedi knight, waiting for him to say, 'these are not the droids you're looking for.

~ Wendy Owens

You feel like you're cursed. Death follows you wherever you go and you feel completely abandoned. You wish it would all end for you. You think that death would be a release, yet something compels you forward.The blood drained from Gabe's face as he listened to Uri speak. You're not alone, Gabe, there are many more like us and we want to help you.

~ Wendy Owens

I was practically The Boy in the Bubble, all my autoimmune responses stripped bare by chemical representations of pine forests and summer meadows.

~ Matthew Crow

Never look in the mirror when your stressed it’s contagious

~ Benny Bellamacina

A sneeze can never be to far away

~ Benny Bellamacina

When the only exorcise you get is running for a bus, get more buses!

~ Benny Bellamacina

Try jogging when following your heart, it's healthier

~ Benny Bellamacina