Humour Quotes

...and specimens like this confirmed there had been some kind of divine rule in the universe because no natural selection process was up to the task of creating something like him. This was some god’s, somewhere’s, handiwork.

~ Nicole Williams

Are you an evolutionist? I’m an absurdist, ma’am. But let’s suppose evolution is true; what about the monkeys today? Why can’t we see them evolving? Are they still evolving?

~ Harrison Wheeler

So I picked the book up and did my usual 123 test. I don't bother reading the blurb on the back, or the first page - the writer's obviously going to be trying their hardest there, aren't they? It's how they're getting on by page 123 that's the real test. If they're crap at writing or bored with their story then you can bet they won't be making any effort at all by that point.

~ Siobhan Curham

It may take a village to raise a baby, but hell! it takes an army to produce a book.

~ Sara Sheridan

So? I know lots of beautiful women. Nova wanted to chase... I merely obliged her by running.

~ D.d. Chant

Are you sure I can't mend a shirt or darn a sock for you in trade? Anything?You can quit your yammerin' and carry this table downstairs so I can get back to minding my own business instead of messing around in yours.

~ Karen Witemeyer

David had left her,taking his insane jealousy with him.

~ Mary Papas

Facing the backside of the future is the only way to move forward

~ Benny Bellamacina

I am an optimist and when I am too sure of something or someone, well, of course it turns out that I am wrong .. at other situations, I imagine the worst and needless to say, I am again wrong

~ Sanhita Baruah

Have a selective optimistic sight, transform the bitch glitch in stitches.

~ Angelica Hopes

The wind was against them now, and Piglet's ears streamed behind him like banners as he fought his way along, and it seemed hours before he got them into the shelter of the Hundred Acre Wood and they stood up straight again, to listen, a little nervously, to the roaring of the gale among the treetops.'Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?''Supposing it didn't,' said Pooh after careful thought.

~ Milne

Life makes fun of us and we should help it.

~ David Brandon

Yefgenii said, The Americans spent millions of dollars designing a pen that would work in space. What did we do? Gevorkian's head was down, his eyes were down. What did we do?Gevorkian lifted his head We used pencils.We used pencils.

~ Jed Mercurio

Anyone who says Trust me is the last motherfucker you should ever trust.

~ R.d. Ronald

Iron deficiency can lead to a wardrobe full of crumpled clothes

~ Benny Bellamacina

Always dip your toe in the past before stepping into the future

~ Benny Bellamacina

Haw Par Villa is the nutty exception. It's mad, slightly unhinged and overwhelmingly rubbish. Without a doubt, Haw Par Villa is the Louis Tussaus House of Wax of Singapore. There is no higher compliment (...) For it's own sake, Haw Par Villa still had to be terrible, macabre, distasteful and offensive.

~ Neil Humphreys

New becomes stale and old becomes fresh. The impractical, ageing estate long ago left behind to Singapore's pioneers and their homemade tofu stalls takes on a certain irreverence and originality; an anarchic streak even. It goes against the architectural grain. It stands out in a crowd, a rebel with curves. The reclusive behaviour only adds to the appeal. So the old place becomes hip.

~ Neil Humphreys

I suddenly realise that it doesn't matter how far I go, or how lost I am, or how lonely I feel. I fit in here. I always will.That's how I know I'm home.

~ Holly Smale

If heaven was created only for the most stupid clown, then Mr Bean could have been the only righteous man on earth.

~ Michael Bassey Johnson

I don’t reckon it’s allowed, going round setting fire to people,” said Adam. “Otherwise people’d be doin’ it all the time.”“It’s all right if you’re religious,” said Brian reassuringly. “And it stops the witches from goin’ to Hell, so I expect they’d be quite grateful if they understood it properly.

~ Terry Pratchett

If heaven really exists: then heaven is the job, hell is unemployment, while life is merely an interview.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

He was definitely taking his bodyguard duties seriously tonight. He gave off a take-one-step-closer-and-I-will-show-you-Armageddon vibe.

~ Christina Henry

In lieu of Tasers, you'll have to hit me. Hard as you can. Then maybe some kind of fight-or-flight response will kick in and I'll turn into a bat to get away from you.Fight or flight.Yes.Only half of that is flight.

~ Adam Rex

Its done.' Penteluck announced and scooped some onto a spoon for Zayne to drink.'No chance, you first. You're already dead it won't kill you if you drink it.'Penteluck frowned. 'Zayne I'm already dead, how will you know if it will kill you in the first place?'She shrugged, 'it helps i guess.

~ Keisha Keenleyside

But now the train had finally begun to move, and Albie had switched the fearless truth-telling eye of his camera lens from his untied laces to the walls of the tunnels under east London, because you can never have enough pictures of dirty concrete.

~ David Nicholls

I suppose you’re young,’ she conceded, managing once again to make youth sound like impetigo

~ Tyne O'connell

Here is a story in the worst way. I have no business being anywhere in it. It comes between me and the life I have coming.

~ Gary Lutz

Nobody wants to give up a weekend-long excuse to dress up and attempt to outshine one another.

~ Elizabeth Eulberg

I remember calling the council's cemetery department to ask about body decomposition in different soil types. Once they had verified that I was a novelist and not a sicko, they were extremely helpful.

~ Sara Sheridan

If I had followed every urge I ever had, I would have had much more sex and killed a lot more people

~ Tommy Cotton

The Americans have perfected weather forecasts: a model presents a model of the Earth, a map, and jabs at it with her pointer – here and here, this is going to happen. Voodoo.

~ Péter Zilahy

In real life, Snow White stays dead and Rapunzel grows old, alone in her tower. In real life, you gotta have enough sense to stay away from ugly bitches offering you shiny apples and have enough balls to cut off your own hair and use it as a ladder if needs be. In real life, you gotta save yourself and the only happy endings are the ones paid for in massage parlors.

~ Amy Sumida

I'm so sorry. I think I'm just tired. The socially accepted excuse for being mental.

~ Lucy Ivison

I don’t know why Kate was trying to impress him, as far as I could see the guy had all the allure and social grace of a psychotic slug with halitosis and a bad head cold.

~ Sharon Sant

They’d be complaining about having to walk, and screeching at me to ‘do something, Freddy, do something!’”“But what could you do?” she said, puzzled.“Carry them, probably.” He gave her a hopeful look. “Do you want me to carry you?

~ Anne Gracie

You thought I was peculiar,” she said in a muffled voice.His mouth brushed the edge of her ear and settled against her neck. She felt that he was smiling. “Darling love… you are.

~ Lisa Kleypas

As I stepped onto the gloomy landing a word formed in my mind: two syllables, starts with a V and rhymes with dire. I froze in place. Nightingale said that everything was true, after a fashion, and that had to include vampires, didn’t it? I doubted they were anything like they were in books and on TV, and one thing was for certain — they absolutely weren’t going to sparkle in the sunlight.

~ Ben Aaronovitch

Louis-Cesare and Ray were in trouble.I could tell because I could see them, not clearly, but in fits and starts, little glimmers like a couple of ghosts, if ghosts made oh shit faces on the one hand agitated French gestures on the other. And that sort of shit wasn't going to go unnoticed for long.Aaaaand it didn't.

~ Karen Chance

That’s great, Grace, but in case you’ve forgotten, we’re supposed to kill vampires, not play nice and have lunch with them. - Archer

~ K.a. Last