Humour Quotes

We are not subjects of an autocratic King, but are citizens of the country contributing to the advancement of our people who pay taxes out of their hard earned income.

~ Nilantha Ilangamuwa

The Victrola, the Movies, a lecture: such are the three American alternatives to Silence, Scandal and Squabble.Or else, get drunk. America knows no other devices to enable its inhabitants to endure either their own company or that of their fellow-creatures.

~ Aleister Crowley

Amazin'.' he said again. 'He just looks as though he's thinking, right?''Er...yes.''But he's not actually thinking?''Er...no.''So...he just gives the impression of thinking but really it's just a show?''Er...yes.'Just like everyone else, then really,' said Ridcully

~ Terry Pratchett

People who smile while they are alone used to be called insane, until we invented smartphones and social media.

~ Mokokoma Mokhonoana

A chap’s impending death has a way of focusing the mind.


~ Sara Sheridan

Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see who steps into the darkest shadow?

~ Terry Pratchett

It's all very well to talk like that,” said Mr. Rafiel. “We, you say? What do you think I can do about it? I can't even walk without help. How can you and I set about preventing a murder? You're about a hundred and I'm a broken-up old crock.

~ Agatha Christie

You Englishmen,’ said Herr Wurter. ‘You are all the same. Wherever you are you behave as if you were at home and your word was law.

~ Derek Raymond

In the middle section of the book Mirabelle breaks into not one, but two houses near Belgravia Books. I had fun scoping these out - checking which windows looked least secure and figuring out how to scale the mews houses to the rear to get her inside. A man came out at one point, 'What are you doing?' he questioned me. 'The thing is, I'm writing a book,' I started with a smile. He waved me off, his hand as wide as a tennis racket. 'Everyone is writing a book, my dear,' he said. Between you and I, it's his house that MIrabelle ends up breaking into.

~ Sara Sheridan

She didn't want the medi-techs. She wanted a fucking a candy bar.

~ J.d. Robb

The holy stone looked for all the world like a small iron pineapple, its surface divided into squares by deep grooves, a tarnished silver-steel handle or lever held tight to the side. In ancient times the pineapple was ever the symbol of welcome, though the church used the objects in a different way. Apparently, each theological student of good family and destined for high office was given one on beginning their training and forbidden from pulling the lever on pain of excommunication. A test of obedience they called it. A test of curiosity I called it. Clearly the church wanted bishops who lacked the imagination for exploration and questioning.

~ Mark Lawrence

Before I was ordained, when I was working for the council, I thought of the first three months of the year as January, February, March. Now I think of them as Epiphany, Candlemas and Ash Wednesday.

~ Adam Smallbone

But in every church there are people who, for reasons which seem sufficient to them, do not approve of their pastor and seek to harry him and bully him into some condition pleasing to themselves. The democracy which the Reformation brought into the Christian Church rages in their bosoms like a fire; they would deny that they regard their clergyman as their spiritual hired hand, whom they boss and oversee for his own good, but that is certainly the impression they give to observers.

~ Robertson Davies

All good writers are weird. Proudly weird.

~ Margo Rabb

All of it—for this. Leading us to a door we can't open, a password we don't have.

~ Meagan Spooner

Mr. Alexander Graham Bell claims to have invented [photophone transmitter], though really it was created through a collaborative effort with Mr. Charles Sumner Tainter. In all honesty,” she said, “a great inventor needs a healthy amount of conceit. Mr. Bell and, fellow inventor, Mr. Edison would declare they’d created the moon and the tides between them if they could get away with the claim.

~ Kristen Callihan

Life is mean! Don't lose your humour jacket. You'll really need it.

~ Nike Thaddeus

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

~ Stephen Hawking

If you're getting chased by a lion, you don't need to run faster than the lion, just the people running with you. - Tim Ferris

~ David Nihill

I never sleep on the plane. I have to be awake and using my mind power to keep it in the air

~ Jen Lancaster

Anna, like most English speakers, thought GASP was a silly name for the project. But the name got the point across. If there were modern wonders of the world, GASP - and Kali - stood as far above them as the Colossus of Rhodes had stood above man.

~ A. Ashley Straker

To be honest, my life has exhibited many strange and sometimes troubling characteristics, but shortness is not one of them. It feels like an eternity since I started school and a techno-social epoch since I moved to San Francisco. My phone couldn't even connect to the internet back then.

~ Robin Sloan

Her eyes widened. I assumed in alarm, but who the hell knew what was going on in her stubborn head. I took the coffee cup from her hand and rested it on the grass next to mine. I leaned in toward her slowly. Her eyes remained steady on mine. Just as I was so close I could feel her warm erratic breath on my face, her hand landed on my chest.“What are you doing?” she whispered.Maintaining eye contact I smiled, reached out, held the back of her head and pulled her closer still. “What I should have done ten years ago.” ~ Preston, A Perfect Moment

~ Becca Lee

Darling, you know what they say. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.” I give her a lopsided, bittersweet smile. “I think I’ve kissed a prince, Mom. I hope he doesn’t turn into a frog.

~ E.l. James

Where's Kraven? Is he stalking me too?His mouth went tight. I'm not stalking you.

~ Michelle Rowen

Are you following me? He asked.Us? I was the first to speak. Um, maybe. Hi there. How are you tonight?He looked at me like I might be a bit crazy.

~ Michelle Rowen

You can see the people who thought they could come to London, bend over and pick gold off the streets. They’re all lying on benches in Trafalgar Square with hernias and cans of Special Brew.

~ Garry Crystal

What's a Dullahan?''He's a headless horseman, in the service of the banshee.''Headless?''Yes.''Seriously?''Yes.''So he has no head?''That's usually what headless means.''No head at all?''You're really getting hung up on this headless thing, aren't you?''It's just kind of silly, even for us.''Yet you spend your days with a living skeleton.''But at least he has a head.''True.''He even has a spare.

~ Derek Landy

Skul-man!' he exclaimed as he rushed forward to shake his hand. 'Last I heard you were trapped on a dead world overrun by evil trans-dimensional superfiends!' Skulduggery nodded. 'Just got back.

~ Derek Landy

Without pride, man becomes a parasite – and there are already too many parasites.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Shame comes in different doses.

~ Carla H. Krueger

It’s late and most of the clerks are at home in their beds, dreaming of swimming in pools filled with real money.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Don’t mock my suggestions, Ridley – one day in the near future, they might just save your life.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Men circle like bees around honey, buzzing to communicate their sexual despair.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Only men with intelligence, confidence and absolutely no empathy at all can progress upstairs.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Every time I so much as blink you get an erection.

~ Carla H. Krueger

To Kalist, Baumauer’s just a timber bridge in need of a good hot fire.

~ Carla H. Krueger

He’s in a side room alone with her and it’s far too fucking hot.

~ Carla H. Krueger

You are a more powerful person than you might have ever imagined.” Maxwell D. Kalist.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Are there not times, Ridley, when you yourself wish only to hear the best in people – and not to be dragged downwards into the underworld we all regularly inhabit?

~ Carla H. Krueger