Classy Quote logo
  • Home
  • Categories
  • Authors
  • Topics
  • Who said

Humour Quotes

Humour quote from classy quote

I’m warning you because you’re young and vulnerable. He’s a dirty, lying, conniving piece of shit and he’s dangerous.” Gottfried Baumauer.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Carla H. Krueger Adult Fiction Anti Utopia Bad Manager Carla Krueger Comedy Contemporary Dark Humor Humour Office Politics Office Worker Orwell Poison Psychological Quick Read Short Book Short Story Subversive Twisted

Maxwell D. Kalist is a receiving teller at a city bank, Orwell and Finch, where he runs an efficient department of twenty two clerks and twelve junior clerks. He carries a leather-bound vade mecum everywhere with him – a handbook of the most widely contravened banking rules. He works humourlessly (on the surface of it) in a private, perfectly square office on the third floor of a restored grain exchange midway along the Eastern flank of Květniv’s busy, modern central plaza. Behind his oblong slate desk and black leather swivel chair is an intimidating, three-storey wall made almost entirely of bevelled, glare-reducing grey glass in art-deco style; one hundred and thirty six rectangles of gleam stacked together in a dangerously heavy collage.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Carla H. Krueger Adult Fiction Anti Utopia Bad Manager Carla Krueger Comedy Contemporary Dark Humor Humour Office Politics Office Worker Orwell Poison Psychological Quick Read Short Book Short Story Subversive Twisted

Each day of the week, Kalist indulges himself in a different, secret ritual. On Mondays, he wears cologne. On Tuesdays, he eats meat for lunch. On Wednesdays, he places a bet after work. On Thursdays, he smokes one cigarette (but claims he’s not a smoker). On Fridays, he treats himself to his favourite pastime: horse practice – he grew up with horses and likes to try and emulate their distinctive whinnies, snorts, neighs, snuffles, sighs, grunts, fluttering nostrils, the occasional aggressive outburst and the especially beautiful nicker of a mare to her foal. And, on Saturdays, lest we forget, Maxwell D. Kalist drinks wine from a chalice.

~ Carla H. Krueger

Carla H. Krueger Adult Fiction Anti Utopia Bad Manager Carla Krueger Comedy Contemporary Dark Humor Humour Office Politics Office Worker Orwell Poison Psychological Quick Read Short Book Short Story Subversive Twisted

With great power comes a great need to take a nap.

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Humour Naps Power Sleep

A nonhuman animal had better have a good lawyer. In 1508, Bartholomé Chassenée earned fame and fortune for his eloquent representation of the rats of his French province. These rats had been charged with destroying the barley crop and also with ignoring the court order to appear and defend themselves. Bartholomé Chassenée argued successfully that the rats hadn't come because the court had failed to provide reasonable protection from the village cats along the route.

~ Karen Joy Fowler

Karen Joy Fowler Animals History Humour Law Lawyers Rats

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

~ Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert Climate Change Denial Global Warming Humour Law North Carolina Politics Right Wing Politics Twitter

When majority is insane, sane must go to asylum.

~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Democracy Humour Satire

A man who tosses worms in the river isn’t 't necessarily a friend of the fish. All the fish who take him for a friend, who think the worm’s got no hook in it, usually end up in the frying pan.

~ Malcolm X

Malcolm X Black History Fish Humour Inspirational Life Malcolm X Racism White Supremacy

Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because—what with trolls and dwarfs and so on—speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.

~ Terry Pratchett

Terry Pratchett Discworld Humour Racism Speciesism

Oh, man, she's gonna love you,' Max said. 'Physically. A lot.

~ A. Ashley Straker

A. Ashley Straker Humour Love Physically Relationships Thriller

He had decided that if he ever returned to his old job he would create a special level of hell, an enormous inescapable shop of attractive but useless and overpriced items that the damned would wander for eternity in the cold delusion that this was what they wanted. And then Nerys had taken him to IKEA and Clovenhoof realised the humans had once again beaten him to it.

~ Heide Goody

Heide Goody Hell Humour Satan Shopping

From time to time I show up in myself just long enough for people to know they are not in the room alone.

~ Gary Lutz

Gary Lutz Alone Humour Non Existence Unnoticed

It's very important my parent's don't think I'm starting to fall in love with people, because then they might notice that I'm growing up, and I'm kind of trying to keep it a secret. I think it will cause an incident

~ Caitlin Moran

Caitlin Moran Falling In Love Feminist Funny Growing Up Humour Secret

I jumped on Sinbad's bottle. Nothing happened. I didn't do it again. Sometimes when nothing happened it was really getting ready to happen

~ Roddy Doyle

Roddy Doyle Growing Up Humour

Maybe next time, don't bite the girl you fancy.

~ Radhika Sanghani

Radhika Sanghani Dating Humour Romance

Can I speak to Sayvyer, please?”“You’re looking for the savior? At 1:15 a.m.?”“No. her name’s Sayvyer.”“There’s no savior here. Especially not at 1:15 a.m.

~ Zack Love

Zack Love Books Comedy Dating Evan Funny Hope Humour Relationships Romance Writing

I’m only saying what you won’t. He’s a hunk, admit it. A tall, dark, exotic hunk who wants to bed you, and you must be a fucking nun, because it’s been three weeks since you met him and you’re going to have to remove the cobwebs from your vagina with forceps soon, they’re growing into intelligent life form—

~ Dianna Hardy

Dianna Hardy Boyfriend Cobwebs Dating Humor Humour Relationships Sex Vagina

Mzatal gave a decisive nod. “I willmanage this. It cannot continue to interferewith his work. Too much is at stake.”I raised an eyebrow. “How do youintend to manage it?”“I will tell him the truth and outline theconsequences.”I was surprised Mzatal didn’t shrivelaway from the look I gave him. “Dude.Seriously? You expect him to stopcrushing on me because you forbid it?”Mzatal frowned, contemplative.“Perhaps not ideal given the entanglementof human emotions, though there is no timefor it to drag on,” he said, as if he actuallyknew what he was talking about. “If heknows you have no interest and sees howhis distractions have affected his work, hewill subside enough for now.”My withering look became glacial.“Boss, you’re completely awesome inmany ways, but you are so off-base withthis it’s not even funny.” I rolled my eyes.“I’ve already ramped ‘No Interest’ up toeleven on the dial and, at this point, hedoesn’t care if his work suffers.” I took abig gulp of coffee, then ran my fingersthrough my tangled hair. “Let me deal withit. Normally I’m not into directconfrontation with this sort of shit, butthere’s isn’t enough time for it to fizzle outon its own.”Mzatal regarded me with that damnedunreadable mask which he’d slipped on asI was talking. Great. Lords weren’t muchon being told they were wrong, but it hadto be said.

~ Diana Rowland

Diana Rowland Dating Humour Idris Mzatal Kara

The nearest one came to a tumble dryer was if the laundry basket was dropped on the way to the washing-line and then the whole lot went tumbling down the drive.

~ Ann Patras

Ann Patras Africa Humour Memoir

Romance blossomed over a carrier bag full of mackerel. It wasn't exactly how I imagined it would happen; there were no sunsets, or butterflies, or birdsong, just some smelly dead fish and a slimy carrier bag.

~ Victoria Twead

Victoria Twead Humour Memoir

We left dents on each other. Mine was in her heart, and hers was on my car.

~ J.a. Anum

J.a. Anum Breakups Humor Humour Love Poems Poetry Poetry Quotes Popular Quotes Quotes Relationships

I am empowered but have no power to compel anyone to do anything

~ Kazeem Olalekan

Kazeem Olalekan Empowerment Humour Impotence

There's only one thing in life more dangerous than a bad idea, and that's a good one.

~ Greg Curtis

Greg Curtis Humour Ideas

Human Millipede 6 was the highest-grossing movie of the summer and returned Nicholas Cage to Oscar-winning status.

~ C.z. Hazard

C.z. Hazard Adulthood Comedy Humour Movies Nicholas Cage Oscars Pop Culture Porn Industry Satire Transgressive Fiction

You can't draw lines in the sand like that. Humour's a tsunami that doesn't care about your little lines.

~ S.a. Tawks

S.a. Tawks Comedy Funny Humor Humour Humourous Joke

I’m making a list of when it’s acceptable for a pirate to cry. […] So far I’ve got: one - when holding a seagull covered in oil. Two - when singing a shanty that reminds him of orphans. Three - when confronted with the unremitting loneliness of the human condition. Four - chops. I’ve just written the word ‘chops’. Not really sure where I was going with that one. Any ideas?

~ Gideon Defoe

Gideon Defoe Comedy Humour

If you knew how many hidden depths I had your pretty eyes would pop right out of your winsome face. Not literally of course - that would be disgusting. I wouldn’t envy the man who had to clean up a pair of popped eyes, especially given the state of this deck. I’m not sure we even have any cleaning products that work for popped eyes, although I suppose a general viscera cleaner would do the trick.

~ Gideon Defoe

Gideon Defoe Comedy Humour

So what we are right now is a pair of dickweeds in a hotel room in Sydney. My life is royally fucked up right now and from where I’m sitting, your life is even bloody worse.

~ Dave Gorman

Dave Gorman Comedy Humour

Comedy is hard work. People expect you to be funny 24/7. So if you're not constantly cracking up your friends, it can hurt you professionally. They may not read your book or come to your show. 'She's a comedian? She's not that funny!' It's unfair 'cause when cardio surgeon friends say they cut chests open and hold hearts in their hands, everyone just takes their word for it.

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Comedy Humour

Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style. Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on. I've decided to go with L-Board Mom. I may look like I don't know what I'm doing but you want to keep safe distance 'cause you know I can hurt you and get away with it.

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Comedy Humour Observational Comedy

I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in 'Vrski' and marry him. Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don't be a tight-ass. SAY IT. Don't you love the purring sound it makes in your mouth? It's the kind of name I love waking up to every morning - 'Good morning, BlahBlahVrski', the kind I can brag about on Facebook - 'Judy Balan has now changed her name to Judy SomethingVrski' and the kind I can scream in a fit of passion - 'Ohhhhh Vrrrrssskkkkiiiii!

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Comedy Humour Observational Comedy

I love therapy. I don't get the taboo about seeking therapy at all. It's exactly like taking Buzzfeed quizzes. At the end of the day, we all want to know what cocktail we are. But it means so much more when it comes from a shrink. It's like 'Ooh, I really am Liquid Cocaine!

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Comedy Humour Observational Comedy

When you keep a secret from your parents, you're not trying to protect yourself. It's because you're trying to protect them.

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Chicklit Comedy Humour Romantic Comedy

Who decided it's a phobia in the first place? What if I just don't want to get married ever. Just like I don't want to live in Jharkhand ever. Somehow I can say that as loud as I want and as many times as I want, yet nobody will ask me to see the shrink about my Jharkhand phobia. Why?

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Chicklit Comedy Humour Romantic Comedy

And finally, I get to meet the Breakup Coach Ryan says before we can be introduced. I'm a big fan of your work he says with mock admiration as I turn around. I decide I like his voice. It's not a deep Charlton Heston-like voice, but it has just the right amount of husky in it.

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Chicklit Comedy Humour Romantic Comedy

I blame Chennai. Pointless neighbourhood gossip travels faster than tsunami alerts around here. I know that aunties are a universal problem but this city is particularly aunty dominated. And by that, I mean, even many of our twenty-somethings act like aunties. Forgive the rant. Maybe I've lived here too long (and have therefore outgrown it) but I sincerely believe that Chennai has no business being called a metro. I mean, if a thirty-year-old single woman living alone while her parents are in the same city, is still such hot news, then maybe we need to graciously give up our metro status to someone more deserving. And since we have no qualms about lagging so far behind the times, maybe we should call ourselves retro.

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Chicklit Comedy Humour Romantic Comedy

Facebook should start publishing breakup stories. 'So and so and so and so are no longer in a relationship.' With a tombstone next to it.

~ Judy Balan

Judy Balan Chicklit Comedy Humour Romantic Comedy

He said he wouldn’t stay, as he didn’t care much for the smell of the paint, and fell over the scraper as he went out. Must get the scraper removed, or else I shall get into a scrape. I don’t often make jokes.

~ George Grossmith

George Grossmith Comedy Humour

Is your name even David?' I asked as I yanked my panties back on.'Is yours Melanie?' he inquired, buttoning his jeans.'I asked first,' I countered, wondering for the umpteenth time why being an idiot came so easily to me.

~ Robyn Peterman

Robyn Peterman Comedy Contemporary Humour Romance

Displacement of 'What goes around, comes around' is Zero.

~ Gaurav Rao

Gaurav Rao Comedy Displacement Funny Quotes Humor Humour Quotes Science Witty
Load More classy quote icon
  • Classy Quote

    ClassyQuote has been providing 500000+ famous quotes from 40000+ popular authors to our worldwide community.

  • Other Pages

    • About Us
    • Contact Us
    • Privacy Policy
    • Terms of Use
  • Our Products

    • Chrome Extention
    • Microsoft Edge Add-on
  • Follow Us

    • Facebook
    • Instagram
Copyright © 2025 ClassyQuote. All rights reserved.