Religion Quotes

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

~ Woody Allen

I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.

~ George Bernard Shaw

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

~ Woody Allen

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

~ George Carlin

The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullshit.

~ Richard Pryor

Be sure to lie to your kids about the benevolent, all-seeing Santa Claus. It will prepare them for an adulthood of believing in God.

~ Scott Dikkers

Once, when a religionist denounced me in unmeasured terms, I sent him a card saying, I am sure you believe that I will go to hell when I die, and that once there I will suffer all the pains and tortures the sadistic ingenuity of your deity can devise and that this torture will continue forever. Isn't that enough for you? Do you have to call me bad names in addition?

~ Isaac Asimov

Regardless of what I think about Islam or Wicca or any other religion, the fact is that it's a group of people. Every faith has its ceremonies. And since it's made up of people, every faith also has its assholes.

~ Jim Butcher

Who knew that the devil had a factory where he made millions of fossils, which his minions distributed throughout the earth, in order to confuse my tiny brain?

~ Lewis Black

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

~ Stephen Colbert

The essence of Christianity is told us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, 'All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your fucking mouth shut and hadn't asked any questions.

~ Frank Zappa

But with dogs, we do have bad dog. Bad dog exists. Bad dog! Bad dog! Stole a biscuit, bad dog! The dog is saying, Who are you to judge me? You human beings who’ve had genocide, war against people of different creeds, colors, religions, and I stole a biscuit?! Is that a crime? People of the world!Well, if you put it that way, I think you’ve got a point. Have another biscuit, sorry.

~ Eddie Izzard

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

~ George Carlin

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

~ Fulton J. Sheen

It's so hard to believe in anything anymore. I mean, it's like, religion, you really can't take it seriously, because it seems so mythological, it seems so arbitrary...but, on the other hand, science is just pure empiricism, and by virtue of its method, it excludes metaphysics. I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

~ Steve Martin

And here's something else, another problem you might have: Suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? Well, it's God's will. Thy Will Be Done. Fine, but if it's God's will, and He's going to do what He wants to anyway, why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me! Couldn't you just skip the praying part and go right to His Will? It's all very confusing.

~ George Carlin

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

~ George Deacon

It's a lazy Saturday afternoon, there's a couple lying naked in bed reading Encyclopediea Brittannica to each other, and arguing about whether the Andromeda Galaxy is more 'numinous' than the Ressurection. Do they know how to have a good time, or don't they?

~ Carl Sagan

We are gods with anuses.

~ Ernest Becker

See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.

~ Jim Butcher

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

~ Dave Barry

A truth that's told with bad intentBeats all the lies you can invent.

~ William Blake

Heard melodies are sweet, but those unheard, are sweeter

~ John Keats

The legitimate powers of government extend to such acts only as are injurious to others. It does me no injury for my neighbor to say there are twenty gods or no god. It neither picks my pocket nor breaks my leg.

~ Thomas Jefferson

Man suffers only because he takes seriously what the gods made for fun.

~ Alan W. Watts

belief is the death of intelligence.

~ Robert Anton Wilson

I don't deserve a soul, yet I still have one. I know because it hurts.

~ Douglas Coupland

It takes three to make love, not two: you, your spouse, and God. Without God people only succeed in bringing out the worst in one another. Lovers who have nothing else to do but love each other soon find there is nothing else. Without a central loyalty life is unfinished.

~ Fulton J. Sheen

Perhaps not one religion contains all of the truth of the world. Perhaps every religion contains fragments of the truth, and it is our responsibility to identify those fragments and piece them together.

~ Christopher Paolini

I consider it an extremely dangerous doctrine, because the more likely we are to assume that the solution comes from the outside, the less likely we are to solve our problems ourselves.

~ Carl Sagan

I assess the power of a will by how much resistance, pain, torture it endures and knows how to turn to its advantage

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

Words do not express thoughts very well; every thing immediately becomes a little different, a little distorted, a little foolish. And yet it also pleases me and seems right that what is of value and wisdom of one man seems nonsense to another.

~ Gautama Buddha

The real question of life after death isn't whether or not it exists, but even if it does what problem this really solves.

~ Ludwig Wittgenstein

A preoccupation with the next world clearly shows an inability to cope credibly with this one.

~ Richard K. Morgan

The secret of Buddhism is to remove all ideas, all concepts, in order for the truth to have a chance to penetrate, to reveal itself.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

Generally speaking, the errors in religion are dangerous; those in philosophy only ridiculous.

~ David Hume

Pity the nation that is full of beliefs and empty of religion. Pity the nation that wears a cloth it does not weave and eats a bread it does not harvest. Pity the nation that acclaims the bully as hero, and that deems the glittering conqueror bountiful. Pity a nation that despises a passion in its dream, yet submits in its awakening. Pity the nation that raises not its voice save when it walks in a funeral, boasts not except among its ruins, and will rebel not save when its neck is laid between the sword and the block. Pity the nation whose statesman is a fox, whose philosopher is a juggler, and whose art is the art of patching and mimicking Pity the nation that welcomes its new ruler with trumpeting, and farewells him with hooting, only to welcome another with trumpeting again. Pity the nation whose sages are dumb with years and whose strongmen are yet in the cradle. Pity the nation divided into fragments, each fragment deeming itself a nation.

~ Kahlil Gibran

Yet the ivory gods, And the ebony gods, And the gods of diamond-jade, Are only silly puppet gods That people themselves Have made.-

~ Langston Hughes

Those who are without compassion cannot see what is seen with the eyes of compassion.

~ Thich Nhat Hanh

There is no justice in the laws of nature, no term for fairness in the equations of motion. The Universe is neither evil, nor good, it simply does not care. The stars don't care, or the Sun, or the sky. But they don't have to! WE care! There IS light in the world, and it is US!

~ Eliezer Yudkowsky