Sarcasm Quotes

REMIND ME AGAIN, he said, HOW THE LITTLE HORSE-SHAPED ONES MOVE.

~ Terry Pratchett

So what were your favorite subjects in school?School? He leaned back in his chair as though he needed the extra space to think about it. Probably math. It always made sense. Unlike English, economics, and girls.And exactly how do you plan on taking over the free world if you don't understand economics?I'll hire advisers. I'll hire you, in fact.Okay. Let me know when your army of junior high zombies is ready.

~ Janette Rallison

You are quite possibly the least smooth guy I know,” she mumbled. “You can’t even put your arm around me without tripping up.

~ Lish Mcbride

Billy tries to imagine the vast systems that support these athletes. They are among the best-cared for creatures in the history of the planet, beneficiaries of the best nutrition, the latest technologies, the finest medical care, they live at the very pinnacle of American innovation and abundance, which inspires an extraordinary thought - send them to fight the war! Send them just as they are this moment, well rested, suited up, psyched for brutal combat, send the entire NFL! Attack with all our bears and raiders, our ferocious redskins, our jets, eagles, falcons, chiefs, patriots, cowboys - how could a bunch of skinny hajjis in man-skits and sandals stand a chance against these all-Americans? Resistance is futile, oh Arab foes. Surrender now and save yourself a world of hurt, for our mighty football players cannot be stopped, they are so huge, so strong, so fearsomely ripped that mere bombs and bullets bounce off their bones of steel. Submit, lest our awesome NFL show you straight to the flaming gates of hell!

~ Ben Fountain

come humans, fulfill your evolutionary purpose adn build your hound a fire. Oberon

~ Kevin Hearne

But there was no going back to that idyllic time when only one god wanted to kill me.

~ Kevin Hearne

He's asleep in the harbor, disguised as dog shit.

~ Joe Haldeman

Oh, for the love of God. There is no agent more agent than you. I swear you have pin-striped ties encrypted into your DNA. When you die, the coffin is going to read Property of the FBI.

~ Lisa Gardner

I get the same buzz cleaning up the yard as Leo Tolstoy did from scything hay.

~ Sergei Lukyanenko

You don’t like my restaurant, Miss Connor?” “I couldn’t say since the waiting list to get in is six months long.” One side of his mouth curved up. “This is true.” His finger lingered, and I tried to swallow the nervous lump in my throat. “I think you can call me by my first name now, seeing as how you’re touching my boob. That puts us a little past formality, don’t you think?

~ Jenny Lyn

Janice rolled her eyes. First, the doctor had ogled her, and now Karr was leering at her and licking his lips lasciviously.Oh this is great. I'm being mentally undressed by a space pirate.

~ William L. Lavell

The bourbon goes into the recipe, Miss Connor, not into you,” he’d said from directly behind me. He had a way of doing that, catching me in the act. I suppose the number of times I screwed up made me an easy mark. My spine straightened at the scolding, but my mouth did what it knew best. “Well, that’s just a waste of perfectly good bourbon if you ask me.

~ Jenny Lyn

I've heard that the best way to help poor people is to make sure you don't become one of them

~ Robin S. Sharma

All right. The snow may be falling in the winter of my discontent, but at least I've got sarcastic company.

~ John Green

Come on, there's no one there. You want coffee? Tess asked.Yeah, sure, why not? I'm only on the brink of a nervous breakdown. I don't imagine why caffeine wouldn't help this situation.

~ Frankie Rose

Nefarious purposes translation: For disgusting demon sex and the birth of the Devil incarnate. Nice.

~ Elle Casey

Marcus stepped behind the bar, saying, “Dan sent me over to assist you and learn how to tend the bar.” Doms could be pain-in-the-ass mother hens.

~ Cherise Sinclair

So the reason I was struck again and again was because of my overwhelmingly positive energy. Funny, I'd always thought of myself as a pessimist.

~ Jennifer Bosworth

Picture a place called the Karma Kafe and it'll save me the bother of describing it. There was nothing in it you wouldn't expect, from the Buddha flowerpots to the wallpaper decorated with symbols that probably said, If you bought this just because it looked pretty, may Buddha piss in your coffee, you culturally ignorant moron.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Yeah, it's a kodak moment. Quick, take a picture.Sarah scoffs. I stick my tongue out at her.

~ Annie Brewer

It was a very proper wedding. The bride was elegantly dressed---the two bridemaids were duly inferior---her father gave her away---her mother stood with salts in her hand expecting to be agitated---her aunt tried to cry--- and the service was impressively read by Dr. Grant.

~ Jane Austen

Edna restored the toffee to the centre of her tongue and sucking pleasurably, resumed her typing of Naked Love by Armand Levine. Its painstaking eroticism left her uninterested--as indeed it did most of Mr. Levine's readers, in spite of his efforts. He was a notable example of the fact that nothing can be duller than dull pornography.

~ Agatha Christie

I admire all my three sons-in-law highly. Wickham, perhaps is my favourite; but I think I shall like your husband quite as well as Jane's.

~ Jane Austen

I don't need you to tell me I'm not well, though I don't really know what's wrong with me; I think I'm five times healthier than you are.

~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

Judging from the unfamiliar number, I assumed the text came from Shannon. If not, I would see who came by my house at 4:30 and go with it. Maybe it would be Mr. Darcy coming to pick me up in an extravagant horse-drawn carriage, but I couldn’t picture Mr. Darcy using a cell phone.

~ Michelle Madow

The inextinguishable lesbian spark. You've surely heard about it? The one that was first ignited at Lesbos, because Sappho was so sad every time a young woman left the academy that she wrote her a poem. Fancy being sad because someone leaves! Perverted, that's what I call it. Don't you?

~ Gerd Brantenberg

You're playing hookey for her? You met her, what, five minutes ago? And now she's what? Your girlfriend? Did you give her your varsity jacket?

~ Ally Blake

Mmm, being irresistibly likeable is such a trial,' she drawled in an impeccable aristocratic whine. 'One is constantly in demand, but one must do one's duty, mustn't one, dear chap? Noblesse oblige and all that...

~ Susan Napier

In my opinion, I think sarcasm and humor in a song, without turning it into a novelty song, is really charming.

~ Alanis Morissette

The key to humor is often self-loathing or sarcasm. In a sense, that's how self-loathing is made palatable.

~ James Gray

Sometimes Americans don't quite get my sense of humor. My good ol' British sarcasm seems to go over their heads.

~ Lee Westwood

Somebody says, 'Do a Tom Bodett, a folksy kind of thing,' and it sounds like something out of 'Hee Haw,' very insulting. They turn wry humor into disparaging sarcasm, and you get what amounts to insulting advertising.

~ Tom Bodett

I grew up as a very sarcastic person. I was always the class clown, and to date girls, I had to be really funny. I was really skinny growing up. I was so thin, I had to run around in the shower to get wet. That kind of thin. So I always had to rely on humor and sarcasm.

~ Kurt Fuller

This music won't do. There's not enough sarcasm in it.

~ Samuel Goldwyn

You had to learn at a certain age what sarcasm is, you know?

~ Penny Marshall

What I claim is to live to the full the contradiction of my time, which may well make sarcasm the condition of truth.

~ Roland Barthes

I tweet from bed. I love it because it's so quick. And it's funny. But it also leaves a lot of room for error because new people don't sense the sarcasm - there's no sarcasm font.

~ Christine Teigen