Satire Quotes

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.

~ St. John Morris

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

~ St. John Morris

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

~ St. John Morris

Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.

~ St. John Morris

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

~ St. John Morris

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

~ St. John Morris

Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.

~ St. John Morris

On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.

~ St. John Morris

Your toaster’s a puff.

~ St. John Morris

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

~ St. John Morris

St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door’s ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton. “What are you doing son?” he asked.“Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

~ St. John Morris

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.

~ St. John Morris

What have you got in there you little bastard?

~ St. John Morris

People keep making excuses, that’s why everthing happens for a reason.

~ Roy Saputra

The effort really to see and really to represent is no idle business in face of the constant force that makes for muddlement. The great thing is indeed that the muddled state too is one of the very sharpest of the realities, that it also has color and form and character, has often in fact a broad and rich comicality.

~ Henry James

If a fox strangles a goose just to eat the brains, you wouldn’t say the fox killed the brains. You’d say the fox offed the goose.

~ Vladimir Lorchenkov

He gave a wry smile. With all this vigilant vigils on virginity, you would think the country would have controlled its population by now.

~ Mallika Nawal

Because I want to have sex with him--and because that's sinful--I'm blushing and flushing furiously under his scrutinizing scrutiny.

~ Jess C. Scott

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.

~ Kerry E. Wagner

he pays his respect by smiling at youwhen others are looking how he calls you a bitchright after is truly amazing

~ Ymatruz

I suppose that I found out two more constituents of the eternal engine: folly and curiosity.

~ Alexander Zalan

Imitating someone is the mediocre way of getting humanity back to what we evolved from.

~ Shubham Choudhary

Do…you…have…a…hard…time…finding…Steve’s dick?” she enunciated, enjoying Mary’s extreme discomfort. “He’s big as a fuckin’ house so I imagine it might be a bit of a problem.” The New Jersey accent that was still there after more than fifteen years in the south, resurfaced in her aggravation.

~ A.t. Hicks

My therapist told me that I over-analyze everything. I explained to him that he only thinks this because of his unhappy relationship with his mother.

~ Michelle Templet

After having so nobly disentangled themselves from the shackles of Parental Authority, by a Clandestine Marriage, they were determined never to forfeit the good opinion they had gained in the World, in so doing, by accepting any proposals of reconciliation that might be offered them by their Fathers – to their farther trial of their noble independence however they never were exposed.

~ Jane Austen

She paused a moment.Pepino, shall I tell all our dear friends our little secret? she said. If you say 'no,' I shan't. But, please, Pepino--Pepino, however, had been instructed to say 'yes,' and accordingly did so.

~ E.f. Benson

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous. And God grante

~ Voltaire

There were people who believed their opportunities to live a fulfilled life were hampered by the number of Asians in England, by the existance of a royal family, by the volume of traffic that passed by their house, by the malice of trade unions, by the power of callous employers, by the refusal of the health service to take their condition seriously, by communism, by capitalism, by atheism, by anything, in fact, but their own futile, weak-minded failure to get a fucking grip.

~ Stephen Fry

Boggle with sex addicts is up there with go-kart racing with junkies.

~ Russell Brand

Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offence.

~ Ambrose Bierce

No, I say, it's fine.Put a gun to my head and paint the wall with my brains. Just great, I say. Really.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

A man is angry at a libel because it is false, but at a satire because it is true.

~ G.k. Chesterton

The wicked are wicked, no doubt, and they go astray and they fall, and they come by their deserts; but who can tell the mischief which the very virtuous do?

~ William Makepeace Thackeray

TWO AND TWO MAKES FIVE

~ George Orwell

An honest politician is an oxymoron.

~ Mark Twain

Satirize wickedness if you must--but pity weakness.

~ L.m. Montgomery

The people heard it, and approved the doctrine, and immediately practiced the contrary.

~ Benjamin Franklin

Satire is a lesson, parody is a game.

~ Vladimir Nabokov

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? Who will guard the guards?

~ Dan Brown

The Truth Shall Make Ye Fret. [Fred. Free.]

~ Terry Pratchett