Comedy Quotes

Oh yeah, well I suddenly realises that she’d only been with my boyfriend at the Co-op Christmas do when I were eighteen. So I grabs her head and I stuck it through a display of them Muller’s rices and I told her. That’s for shagging Kevin Cooper you stupid fucking cunt.

~ St. John Morris

Had the facial plumage been of a paler hue it would have looked like a pile of horse crap on a winter’s day.

~ St. John Morris

This particular event had been somewhat more raucous than usual as Derek Jameson had just lost an arm wrestle with Ann Diamond. The match was the second semi-final of the morning after Belinda Carlisle had been pipped at the post by Rusty Lee. Carlisle had caused some consternation after, upset at losing and forfeiting the chance to compete for the first prize of a quarter of midget gems, she had spat port in Lee’s handbag. Carlisle had been asked to leave and, after a brief tussle, had been ejected from the building whilst screaming and spitting in Simon Parkin’s face.

~ St. John Morris

Eunice had deposited St John upon the balcony of the first-floor apartment of former Liberal MP, The Rt. Hon. Leonard Cossins, the disgraced Lord Mayor of Mitchell-Baines who had been removed from office having been caught administering counterfeit buttercup syrup to the local yeomanry whilst on a hunting trip to Stoke-Poges.

~ St. John Morris

Beetroot Cossins had moved to Kuala Lumpur where she had died of lethargy and pie.

~ St. John Morris

Her protestations were drowned out by the sound of Gordon Honeycomb barfing up aftershock into the kitchenette sink.

~ St. John Morris

I once went to one of his Virgin Vie parties and had a really good time watching Chas having a paddy whilst trying to put on Dave’s socks, before realising that he only had two feet, compared to Dave’s three.

~ St. John Morris

There was Arctic John, a businessman from Salisbury who doesn’t hold water, Bruce Knott, a social worker from Cumberland who spends his lunch hour picking his bum, and Judith Glycerine, the reformation pig.

~ St. John Morris

Private Benjamin lives next door but one to Bob Cryer from The Bill. I once saw him crouching down behind a sycamore tree and using his nose as an Allen Key to release a starving rat.

~ St. John Morris

Tobak Davenport, who is a cross between some Sugar Puffs and Lynn Faulds-Wood, was squatting there before being removed by the local constabulary after he went round to complain about Luther Blisset’s pet turkey fouling the communal herb garden.

~ St. John Morris

You little prick. It's a whelk...it's a...it's a...dead whelk!

~ St. John Morris

A huge meringue with polio who drives everywhere in a beautifully restored Hillman Imp.

~ St. John Morris

Next door but one is Quinlan Broddle, a Viceroy with a fear of gardens. So much so that he sold his garden to Virgin Atlantic and his erstwhile front lawn is now a runway where miniature helicopters and packets of crisps undertake sorties to 1940’s Dresden where they have made several dozen unsuccessful attempts to rescue the Quaker Oats man, who is being held captive by the SS on the basis that his hair looks like ice cream.

~ St. John Morris

On the other side of St John’s house is a fake egg timer who can’t maintain an erection. He shares the property with a glossy beef burger called Tom, who has been painted by a seven year old magistrate in order to be entered for this year’s Miss East Lancashire competition. Next door to them is a Dundee cake with a lisp.

~ St. John Morris

Your toaster’s a puff.

~ St. John Morris

...his knees were held together by the skin-tight trousers, which consequently narrowed the aperture through which great quantities of malodorous, rancid dreck were shortly to emerge with great force. St John knew that this was likely to prove troublesome. Although his mid-morning bab was usually undertaken in a more perfunctory manner, he would still have been mindful enough to ensure that his trousers were well below the knee before he commenced the disagreeable act, but in his current predicament, he was in no state to dally.

~ St. John Morris

St John had been sitting in the back garden twizzling a pencil, on the end of which a russet deposit was impaled, which had been left on the lawn by Marmaduke, next door’s ginger cat. His father had wandered in to the garden and seen St John mesmerised by the twirling mahogany baton. “What are you doing son?” he asked.“Toasting a witch”, St John replied.

~ St. John Morris

The Macedonian Endeavour Channel was screening live coverage of the world series of the Who’s Got the Stupidest Name (WGSN) competition. First prize had already gone to Brian Burdock, a French Algerian with a penchant for Longchamp.

~ St. John Morris

I really don’t get this whole oranges thing. It’s like, does he want to eat them or go out with them?

~ Hillary Depiano

I was a lazy reader as a kid. One nutrition label on a box of Cap’n Crunch and I’d have to take a nap.

~ M.j. Mcguire

What have you got in there you little bastard?

~ St. John Morris

A Wasn’t just isn't. He just isn't present. But you… You ARE YOU! And, now isn't that pleasant!

~ Dr. Seuss

There’s no experience quite like cutting your own live Christmas tree out of your neighbor’s yard.

~ Dan Florence

There's something about courting the darkness that makes some people see the truth in raw, twisted ways, as though they were shining a black light on life to illuminate the absurdity of it all. Comics tell you a truth you can only see from the underside of the psyche. At its best, comedy is prophesy and societal dream interpretation. At its worst it's just dick jokes.

~ Nadia Bolz-Weber

The first rule of book club - is that nobody wants to talk about book club.

~ Douglas Lewis

The Prince stood beside the timpanist to count his rests for him and see that he came in in the right place. I suppressed all the trumpet passages which were clearly beyond the players' grasp. The solitary trombone was left to his own devices; but as he wisely confined himself to the notes with which he was thoroughly familiar, such as A flat, D and F, and was careful to avoid all others, his success in the role was almost entirely a silent one.

~ Hector Berlioz

Adams dealt him so sound a Compliment over his Face with his Fist, that the Blood immediately gushed out of his Nose in a Stream. The Host being unwilling to be outdone in Courtesy, especially by a Person of Adams's Figure, returned the Favour with so much Gratitude, that the Parson's Nostrils likewise began to look a little redder than usual.

~ Henry Fielding

Every time you tell a lie an angel punches a unicorn in the face with a kitten.

~ Dave Turner

If we get a 3D printer at the office, the first thing I’m printing with it is a new 3D printer just for me!

~ The Covert Comic

Philadelphia is just the tip of the Pittsburgh.

~ The Covert Comic

The real mystery isn't what's under the redaction mark, but what's above it.

~ The Covert Comic

I'd rather have less time than I think, than less think than I have time.

~ The Covert Comic

Paradigm shift: does that come before swing shift or after?

~ The Covert Comic

The medium is the message, the message is encrypted, and the encryption key is controlled by NSA.

~ The Covert Comic

The Occupy Wall Street movement faltered when activists realized that traders were quite busy already.

~ The Covert Comic

Ever notice that phrenologists have funny-shaped heads?

~ The Covert Comic

Every Friday is black where I work.

~ The Covert Comic

Secret 7591.42.21. Avoiding weasel words in your intelligence analysis isn't easy when your intelligence analysis is about weasels.

~ The Covert Comic

Black graffiti on a black helicopter.

~ The Covert Comic

Secret 3963. It’s only a sucking chest wound if you’re not the shooter.

~ The Covert Comic