Funny Quotes

I've knitted myself a hat, it's plum red with an appealing lace pattern, I figured that a few air holes would be nice now that it's spring. I put it on and feel like a cranberry in the snow, and I wonder if they can see me from the moon. Me and the Great Wall.

~ Kjersti Annesdatter Skomsvold

Vampires have credit cards?We're undead, not Amish.

~ Jennifer Colgan

Bella,leave the aggressive stuff to me. My heart quirks in my chest. I may not like this guy but that sounded so hot. Um... Focus,focus. What?

~ Jenny B. Jones

We found it! Charlotte yelled, as they ran back through the house. We found it, we found it!Eddie, Mr. Mallery, and Colonel Andrews came from separate directions, converging in the front hall. Miss Charming was hopping up and down, her bosom nearly rising to slap her own forehead.

~ Shannon Hale

Sydney did not believe in life after death, but in her experience, admitting this could lead to long and complicated discussions in which people seemed to think that since she did not believe in God or the afterlife, there was nothing to stop her from becoming an ax murderer.

~ Maureen F. Mchugh

You win, you dirty evil butt-munch. I'll never not let you stay over again. Now let's go back to bed.

~ Ethan Day

Jackie had now changed her tune, clinging to me as if she liked it. “I’m irresistible, brother, he’s swapping sides for me.”“I can’t fight it any longer,” I said, nonchalantly.Wade shook his head at us. “I’ll be sure to pass this news along to your husband, sis.”“He can have the kids,” Jackie said, causing everyone to chuckle.“We insist,” I tossed in.

~ Ethan Day

The room fell silent. I frankly didn't know what I was going to do to help Eduardo, but I had the sense that he was right- no one else could help him, and without help, all that he'd done would crumble.Plus, I like being called his only hope. I felt like Obi-Wan Kenobi.

~ Tod Goldberg

This kind of mixing of ingredients happens all the time at fast-food places... You know when you order french fries and there's a rogue onion ring at the bottom. You know, at first you're alarmed but you eat it. It all comes from the same place! You just have to go for it.

~ Chelsea Handler

Knowing all the languages in the world could help you to really understand all the jokes you can hear... from my future Kids' Funny Business.

~ Ivan Stoikov

The humble Cumulus humilis - never hurt a soul.

~ Gavin Pretor-Pinney

The great William Shakespeare said, What's in a name? He also said, Call me Billy one more time and I will stab you with this ink quill.

~ Cuthbert Soup

You see, unlike most writers today, I do not use a computer. I write the old-fashioned way: on the walls of caves.

~ Cuthbert Soup

A man should be taller, older, heavier, uglier, and hoarser than his wife.

~ E.w. Howe

Coordinating the retreat was important too, so important that Jiaan had assigned Aram as Fasal's assistant, to be sure he didn't overlook anything important. Like the fact that they were supposed to retreat.

~ Hilari Bell

She didn‟t look like the athletic type to me.” “Maybe Nemov carried her. He looked like he could.” “He looked like he could carry his SUV. I don‟t know why he didn‟t.

~ Josh Lanyon

- Do you ever work? Or do you just walk office to office, soliciting blowjobs?- I work occasionally. It's just that the BJs are much more exciting.

~ G.a. Hauser

It’s been so many years since I actually had a date that I’ve forgotten how to act. You don’t mention your ex when you’ve finished fucking your date it’s poor protocol

~ Scarlet Blackwell

101 Reason why its its great to be a woman : Since the advent of feminism, we can publicly ogle male bodies and not be called sexist. If a man indulges in this behavior over a picture of naked woman, he is a sexist pig, and recompense must be demanded for this slight on womankind.

~ Summersdale Publishers

He had waited until I had my door open, then driven away. The perfect gentleman. Sort of like Dracula just before he drank your blood.

~ Toni Andrews

Just shut up and talk. - Shella

~ Krista Alasti

He says black, I say white and we do grey

~ Lazaro Hernandez

Mortimer had maxed three credit cards stocking the cave with canned goods and medical supplies and tools and everything a man needed to live through the end of the world. There were more than a thousand books along shelves in the driest part of the cave. There used to be several boxes of pornography until Mortimer realized that he'd spent nearly ten days in a row sitting in the cave masturbating. He burned the dirty magazines to keep from doing some terrible whacking injury to himself.

~ Victor Gischler

I'm not sure whether to be relieved she didn't hurt you or diappointed. Now he's going to think he got away with that junk. -AbbyI wouldn't say that. He got a stern talking-to, but he already made great progress with his groveling lessons. -SamIll show you exactly how much progress I've made the next time I get you in a shower. -NoahI'm gonna kill him! Did you hear that? You have to let me kill him. -GrahamStay right where you are. There will be no killing. I thought I made that clear to everyone last night. Don't make me go over it again! -Missy

~ Christine Warren

That is a horrid temptation to put before a man who is forbidden to make vigorous movements,” he said. “Is it really?” she said. “No wonder Miles did not approve. He looked daggers at me.” “Maybe his face froze that way,” Rupert said. “He was looking daggers at me a few hours ago. Do you think he suspects?” “I think he knows ,” she said. “I’m glad I don’t have a sister,” he said. “I should have to get over my aversion to killing people.” -Rupert and Daphne

~ Loretta Chase

This is the final book about Brian

~ Gary Paulsen

A princess always takes care that her words are honeyed, for she may have to eat them

~ Christina Dodd

If the retreat house was a trap, it was a very nice one.

~ Elizabeth Hand

Because I feel as if I let it down. As if it needed something from me, I was its only hope, and now that hope is gone.''What penis doesn’t try to make you feel that way?

~ R.j. Silver

Why would Dad call you? I mean, you have to admit that he would have been better off calling the local prison and asking them to send out one of the convicted killers to come find me. - Shella

~ Krista Alasti

They can't expect anyone to actually pay for a shirt that says, 'I (picture of an elephant) the San Diego Zoo.' What does that even mean?

~ Adam Rex

You ought to sue that son of a whore

~ Stephen King

No other foreskin could have caused such trouble.

~ Peter Manseau

I had a tumor. But it was great.

~ David Rakoff

It's just so sad what we're willing to do for the Joey Spinellis of the world, you know?The mutilating, the tweezing, the enhancing, the plumping, the pinching, the waxing, the starving, the sweating, the bleaching. And for what? So you can wake up next to THAT in thirty years? What are we thinking??

~ Yvonne Prinz

Are you sure this is a good idea?’ I ask.‘No,’ says Amber. ‘Let’s do it.

~ Doug Macleod

This is just your penis having the feels for my vagina. Your penis is making prank calls! and every single time your penis makes a prank call, my vagina answers the phone. And then you hang up. Or your penis claims wrong number or misdial or no hablo Ingles. It's infuriating, and it's called genital call me maybe.

~ Penny Reid

Come here, cat. You wouldn’t want to destroy the space-time continuum, would you? Meow. Meow.

~ Connie Willis

If Sloane’s quiet words hadn’t been enough to get Dex squirming in his towel, Sloane’s quick kiss to his lips sealed the deal. Oh God, he was about to get a hard-on at work, and the bastard that was the cause of it was loving every moment

~ Charlie Cochet

Two years ago, I was a twenty-nine year old secretary. Now I am a thirty-one year old writer. I get paid very well to sit around in my pajamas and type on my ridiculously fancy iMac, unless I'd rather take a nap. Feel free to hate me -- I certainly would.

~ Julie Powell