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Hilarious Quotes

Hilarious quote from classy quote

Forgive me. I continue to underestimate the breadth of your ignorance.

~ Ransom Riggs

Ransom Riggs Hilarious

Its VermeerKat turned to the boy who lingered in the doorway. It's stolenWhat can I say? Hale eased behind her and studied the painting over her shoulder. I met a very nice man who bet me he had the best security system in Istanbul. His breath was warm on the back of her neck. He was mistaken.

~ Ally Carter

Ally Carter Hale Hilarious Thief

I sprung you because I've got a message for youdoesn't your family own a cell phone company?only a little one

~ Ally Carter

Ally Carter Hale Hilarious

Let's pray that the human race never escapes Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere.

~ C.s. Lewis

C.s. Lewis Accurate Hilarious

Cryptic Dad is cryptic,' I muttered ... We'd hung out all day today. Was there no time in there he could have said, 'Oh, hey, meet me at the magical bookcase at the butt-crack of dawn tomorrow, cool?

~ Rachel Hawkins

Rachel Hawkins Hilarious

I don't lack for bed partners, so I don't need to scrounge for unwilling scraps.-Spade

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Classic Hilarious Night Huntress Spade

Ah, mistress, you’re an angel. Sure there’s not a drop left? I might have remembered one more person….”“Up yours,” I said rudely with another belch. “It’s empty. You should tell me the name anyway, after making me drink all that sewage.”Winston gave me a devious smile. “Come back with a full bottle and I will.”“Selfish spook,” I mumbled, and staggered away.I’d made it a few feet when I felt that distinct pins-and-needles sensation again, only this time it wasn’t in my throat.“Hey!”I looked down in time to see Winston’s grinning, transparent form fly out of my pants. He was chuckling even as I smacked at myself and hopped up and down furiously.“Drunken filthy pig!” I spat. “Bastard!”“And a good eve’in’ to you, too, mistress!” he called out, his edges starting to blur and fade. “Come back soon!”“I hope worms shit on your corpse!” was my reply. A ghost had just gotten to third base with me. Could I sink any lower?

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Cat Ghost Hilarious Humor

There is no way I’m going out in public like this!”It seemed while I was being tormented at the salon, Bones had been out shopping. I didn’t ask where he got the money from, images of old folks with their necks bleeding and their wallets missing dancing in my head. There were boots, earrings, push-up bras, skirts, and something he swore to me were dresses but only looked like pieces of dresses.

~ Jeaniene Frost

Jeaniene Frost Bones And Cat Hilarious Humor

...I blink back the threat of tears, swiped at my nose and narrowed my eyes. Listen to me, you two bags of monkey shit, I yelled. I am not in a good mood. My car keeps stalling. The day before yesterday I threw up on Joe Morelli. I was called a fat cow by my ex-husband. And if that isn't enough...my hair is ORANGE! ORANGE, FOR CHRISSAKE! And now you have the gall to force yourself into my home and threaten my hamster. Well, you have gone too far. You have crossed the line!

~ Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Hilarious Stephanie Plum

What man art thou that, thus bescreened in night,So stumblest on my counsel?*Who are you? Why do you hide in the darkness and listen to my private thoughts?*

~ William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare Hilarious Imposition Privacy

It me birthday and nobody came...Bigfoot decide do something nice for self for big day and sneak in they house at night and pick out own present and blow out flickering candle of life in they brains. Make a wish, jerks.

~ Graham Roumieu

Graham Roumieu Bigfoot Cryptids Hilarious Humor Roumieu

Laboratory scientists use formaldehyde as a disinfectant or preservative. They don't fucking drink it.

~ Rory Freedman

Rory Freedman Hilarious

(Seth) “So,” he said, looking me up and down, “you’re what the fuss was all about. I can’t say I’m impressed.” He sneered at me. “Still riding bulls, cowboy?”(Weber) “Nope.” I smirked at him. “I only ride his cock now.

~ Mary Calmes

Mary Calmes Best Comeback Ever Hilarious Mm Take That Asshole

Believe it or not the war on Iraq is based on a sound scientific principle, The bee hive principle. Which clearly states that if you are stung by a bee, you should follow it back to its nest and then proceed to beat nest to a pulp with a baseball bat until the stripey little turd has learned its lesson.

~ John Oliver

John Oliver Comedian Hilarious

Don’t do that? This is your sage advice?”“Yeah.” He burped and blew it out the side of his mouth. “Sorry, the burritos we had for lunch are kinda comin’ back on me.

~ Mary Calmes

Mary Calmes Calmes Crane Hilarious

No. No way. That name is reserved for females with grace and elegance, not this girl. This girl is...beastly.

~ Victoria Scott

Victoria Scott Hilarious Lol Sarcasm Humor

He even dressed up for you. He only has one stain on his t-shirt.- Rylie Cruz

~ Rose Pressey

Rose Pressey Hilarious

The point is, if we find out you’ve been horrible to Harry —”“— and make no mistake, we’ll hear about it.“even if you won’t let Harry use the fellytone

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Arthur Weasley Dursley Hilarious Lupin Tonks

Roz to Amelia (the house ghost): How considerate of you, after trying to kill me, to see that I don't catch a cold.

~ Nora Roberts

Nora Roberts Classic Hilarious

The lengths to which you’re prepared to go to please a housekeeper make me wonder about the servant situation in Scotland. Good help must be thin on the ground.” Vale widened his eyes and took a drink.“She’s more to me than a housekeeper,” Alistair growled.“Wonderful!” Vale slapped him on the back. “And about time, too. I was beginning to worry that all your important bits might’ve atrophied and fallen off from disuse.”He felt unaccustomed heat climb his throat. “Vale…

~ Elizabeth Hoyt

Elizabeth Hoyt Hilarious Munroe Vale

I had to make water ” I said. It was the classic female excuse and no male in recorded history had ever questioned it. ,“I see ” the Inspector said and left it at that. ,Later I would have a quick piddle behind the caravan for insurance purposes. No one would be any the wiser.

~ Alan Bradley

Alan Bradley Flavia Hilarious Lol

A peevish self-willed harlotry it is.*She’s a stubborn little brat.*

~ William Shakespeare

William Shakespeare Hilarious

She gathered a circle of children around her and commenced singing 'For Those Who Peril on the Sea' over their little heads. But no, 'safety from storms' wasn't enough for her. God had to keep them from being blown up too. She set about ordering the poor things to pray for their parents every night- who knew what the German soldiers might do to them? Then she said to be especially good little boys and girls so Mama and Daddy could look down on them from heaven and BE PROUD OF THEM...she had those children crying and sobbing fit to die.I was too shocked to move, but no, not Elizabeth. No, quick as an adder's tongue, she had ahold of Adelaide's arm and told her to SHUT UP.'Let me go!' Adelaide cried. 'I am speaking the Word of God!'Elizabeth, she got a look on her that would turn the devil to stone, and then she slapped Adelaide right across the face!

~ Mary Ann Shaffer

Mary Ann Shaffer Hilarious

You know what? You know what? You know what?' I was waving my finger under her nose. 'You scratched the Son of God. That's your ass, that's what.

~ Christopher Moore

Christopher Moore Hilarious

The ship's surgeon was a spotty unshaven little man whose clothes, arrayed with smudges, drippings, and cigarette burns, were held about him by an extensive network of knotted string, The buttons down the front of those duck trousers had originally been made, with all of false economy's ingenious drear deception, of coated cardboard. After many launderings they persisted as a row of gray stumps posted along the gaping portals of his fly. Though a boutoniere sometimes appeared through some vacancy in his shirt-front, its petals, too, proved to be of paper, and he looked like the kind of man who scrapes foam from the top of a glass of beer with the spine of a dirty pocket comb, and cleans his nails at table with the tines of his salad fork, which things, indeed, he did. He diagnosed Camilla's difficulty as indigestion, and locked himself in his cabin. that was the morning.

~ William Gaddis

William Gaddis Hilarious

No way, that would kill my diet for the week. I don't know how you can stand to eat so unhealthy, Quinn. Just consider it an amuse-biatch.

~ Steph Campbell

Steph Campbell French Puns Hilarious Sopapilla Cheesecake Bars

He ground his teeth together, the torture of it almost more than he could bear.The urge to pull her to him was overwhelming, but to do that would cost him dearly, for no doubt she would run out the door, damning him with every step.This was Lorelei, the artist, and she didn't see him as a man. Right now, he was about as human as the ridiculous fruit she'd painted in the past. And if he played along with her wants, perhaps she'd let him show her his...banana.

~ Kinley Macgregor

Kinley Macgregor Hilarious Jackthesexybabe Kinely Macgregor Masterofseduction

Would you be shedding tears for McNab’s dead body if he’d been screwing around on you?”Peabody pursed her lips. “Well, since I’d’ve been the one who killed him, I’d probably be shedding tears for me because you’d be arresting me. And that would really make me sad.

~ J.d. Robb

J.d. Robb Eve Hilarious In Death Peabody

Who was that?A one-night stand that didn't want to let go.Alexis looked over the sea of people, trying to find the woman.  There seems to be a lot of those.Too late to change my past now, but if I could, I would.Alexis gave him a disbelieving smirk.  Are you saying, if you could have changed things, you would've waited for me?He gave her his wicked grin.  I'm saying I would have found you sooner.

~ Sarah Curtis

Sarah Curtis Cocky Smile Finding Love Hilarious

Don’ttempt the scorpion if you don’t want toget stung.

~ Colleen Hoover

Colleen Hoover Hilarious Ryle Kincaid

The only good thing was that by midnight, even most of the bums had gone home to sleep it off. That was lucky for them, because Ray was the worst damn driver I’d ever seen. And that was after I jerked his head out of the duffel and parked it on the dashboard.“Gah! That makes it worse!” he told me, as I tried to get the eyes facing forward.“How can it possibly be worse?”“Because I got double vision now! Get it off! Get it off!”He batted at his own head and succeeded in sending it tumbling into Christine’s lap. She immediately went into hysterics and slapped it away. The head fell out of the car; Ray hit the brakes and we came to a screeching halt.“What are you doing?” I screeched, as he hopped out. “There are people firing at us!”“Tough!” came from somewhere under the car.

~ Karen Chance

Karen Chance Dory Hilarious Ray

Talc: You have been found guilty of misleading and perverting the young. I decree that you be hung by your underdeveloped testicles until dead. ZORRO

~ John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole Hilarious Threat

Oh, my God! Ignatius bellowed from the front of the house. What an egregious insult to good taste.

~ John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole Hilarious Pretentious

Wake up & Smell The Hot Chocolate ! ~ Eddie Havens

~ Susan Wiggs

Susan Wiggs Hilarious

I find a good cliche very comforting in times of stress. said the Sage

~ Anneliese Blakeney

Anneliese Blakeney Good For A Laugh Hilarious

This was the sort of girl who should be attending college, not ones like that dreadful Minkoff girl, that brutal and slovenly girl who had almost been raped by one of the janitors just outside of his office. Dr. Talc shuddered at the very thought of Miss Minkoff. In class she had Insulted and challenged and vilified him at every turn, egging the Reilly monster to join in the attack. He would never forget those two; no one on the faculty ever would. They were like two Huns sweeping down on Rome. Dr. Talc idly wondered if they had married each other. Each certainly deserved the other.

~ John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole Hilarious

I’m sorry that I don’t like your tattoos.”I walked away. I walked back to him. “I mean that I don’t like tattoos, not just your tattoos. I like your skin, though.”I walked away.

~ Daniel Zomparelli

Daniel Zomparelli Hilarious Skin Tattoos

But what really won me over was his butt. What finally made it impossible for me not to like the man was how right out there on the Adventist basepaths, right in front of eighty or ninety of the kind of pious adult spectators who spent their every Sabbath if not their entire lives trying to forget the existence of things like butts, Beal's buns were trying to light a fire by friction inside his jeans; they were gyrating like a washing machine with its load off balance; they were thrashing against his pants like two big halibut against the bottom of a boat. And the wonderful thing, the amazing thing, was how once his older audience got over the shock of it, they began to look amused at, then fascinated by, and finally downright grateful toward his writhing reminder that yes, buns did exist, and yes, every one of us owned not one but two of the things, and yes, like the God who created them in His Image, they did indeed move in mysterious ways.

~ David James Duncan

David James Duncan Butts Hilarious

My inner caveman demands she knows I'm a good provider. I'll get her the best booth, order any food she wants, kill potential predators, and buy her the best cave on the block.

~ Bijou Hunter

Bijou Hunter Hilarious

He stops and turns to me. “Do you think people would stare if I threw you over my shoulder? Because I really want to do that. Then I can ogle your ass and just run.” The look in his eye is a little manic. For a second, I think he’s going to do it. Then he spies the heavily armed security officer a few feet away. “Excuse me, sir?” he says, and the guard looks at him. “Would it be acceptable to carry my girlfriend like a sack of potatoes in order to get out of here quicker and make sweet love to her?” The guard’s mouth moves, but he resists smiling. “No, sir, that would not be acceptable.” “Piggyback?” “Nope.” “Put her on a trolley?” “No.” “You’re no fun.” “So my wife keeps telling me.

~ Leisa Rayven

Leisa Rayven Hilarious
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