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Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. That's a woman, isn't it?Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured. He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. A voice like a flute.And you're sloppy in love with her.Pitifully.

~ J.d. Robb

J.d. Robb Hilarious Love Sarcastic Humor

I was going straight for Mantis, but then that bloody gas got in my eyes and, I don't know, some massive bloke reared up in front of me. I hit him, but I swear, it was like hiting a wall.Gracious nodded. You hit a wall.Maybury blinked at him. I what?I saw it. You ran into a cloud of gas and stumbled around for a second until you reached a wall, and then you shrieked and punched it. It was very heroic.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Awesome Epic Funny Hilarious Make Me Laugh

Daemon had spoken to Blake earlier in the day, the entire conversation had gone down between the two without fists being thrown and I missed it.

~ Jennifer L. Armentrout

Jennifer L. Armentrout Blake Daemon Black Hilarious Katy Opal

You're not used to early mornings, are you?He shook his head. Early mornings were invented by the system to keep the people occupied. But not me. I'm on to them. They're not gonna catch me napping. Metaphorically, like. Obviously, they can catch me physically napping like, four or five times a day, but, metaphorically, I am so far beyond their reach.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Awesome Finbar Finbar Wrong Hilarious Make Me Laugh Stephanie

The Engineer smiled (internally, for of course it had no mouth). It was feeling good. It was feeling optimistic. Moving at its current speed, it would arrive back in Ireland in plenty of time to shut everything down before a series of overloads and power loops inevitably led to a sequence of events which would, in turn, eventually lead to the probable destruction of the world. The Engineer wasn't worried.And then the truck hit it.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Awesome Hilarious Make Me Laugh

Miniature Emilie came along. Lincoln could tell she was watching him, but he tried not to encourage her. He didn't want to betray Beth. They wouldn't let you ride Splash Mountain, he thought.

~ Rainbow Rowell

Rainbow Rowell Faithfulness Funny Hilarious

Once a sarriyal, always a sarriyal, she thought.

~ Sara Naveed

Sara Naveed Funny Hilarious Romance Romancenovel Undyingaffinity

I give her my best smile. Before the alien Armageddon happened, I was known for my smile. Not bragging too much, but I had to be careful never to smile while I drove. It had the capacity to blind oncoming traffic. But it has absolutely no effect on Ringer. She doesn't squint in its overwhelming luminescence. She doesn't even blink.

~ Rick Yancey

Rick Yancey Ben Parish Charming Quote Funny Hilarious Zombie

Is this base? Is this base?

~ Flynn Meaney

Flynn Meaney Hilarious

Where did you get your tat?” “Aaron’s shop. You want to get a tat?” he asked, grinning as if this was hilarious. “I have one,” I said, rolling the ball into the gutter. “It’s not finished though.” “How come?” “My brother interrupted the tattoo and I never had the money to get it done again.” “No, I meant how come you’re such a bad bowler? Is it genetic?” he asked. “Like do you come from a long line of people who can’t make a ball roll in a straight line?” “You’re hilarious.” “I try, Pixie Dust.

~ Bijou Hunter

Bijou Hunter Bowling Hilarious Lark Pixie Dust Tattoos Vaughn

What are these? They look like scars. Meryn glanced down and realized he was talking about her stretch marks. Had he never seen stretch marks before?”“Those are called stretch marks.Stretch marks? How did you get them? Human females get them when we grow. If we grow too fast our skin rips apart and heals. It's a very painful process. Meryn lied through her teeth. There was no way she was going to discuss stretch marks after the most mind blowing sex of her life. Nope. Wasn't going to happen. Aiden's expression became reverent.Human females are amazing creatures, you endure so much pain yet are so fragile. He kissed each shiny line.I'm going to hell.

~ Alanea Alder

Alanea Alder Hilarious Stretch Marks Women

Speaking of shabby looks, we're going to have to give you a haircut soon....WHAT?These feathers are getting messy.LET ME UNDERSTAND THIS CORRECTLY. YOU WISH TO CUT MY MANE?Thunder tigers grow manes?OF COURSE! HOW ELSE WOULD YOU TELL MALES FROM FEMALES?This is a trick question, right?A MANE IS A SIGN A MALE ARASHITORA HAS REACHED MATURITY.Her laughter rang out in his mind.So it's going to be a few more decades growing, then?HMPH. I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW MOST FEMALES FIND IT FETCHING.

~ Jay Kristoff

Jay Kristoff Buruu Hilarious Manes Yukiko

When she and Wren divided up their clothes, Wren had taken anything that said party at a boy's place or leaving the house. Cath had taken everything that said up all night writing or it's okay to spill tea on this. (pg. 189)

~ Rainbow Rowell

Rainbow Rowell Hilarious Life True To Yourself

The front door slammed and Dad said, “Aurora, sure you aren’t expecting a package?”I leaned back to find him army-crawling under the window in the living room. Like all dads do. “Already told you no, Rambo.”“The new mailman is back.” Dad reached up and pulled the curtains closed before standing up and peeking out. “Won’t come to the door.”“M shot a tranquillizer dart at the last guy.” Mom gave a tired look at M who shrugged unapologetically. “The fact that there’s a new one willing to be on our sidewalk is a miracle. Don’t scare him off, Clyde.”Dad tried to block me when I went for the curtains. “He won’t let me sign for your package. Demanded you come out in person.”“I’ll get my tranq gun!” M made for her room.“Don’t you dare!” Mom chased her.I swished back the curtains to get a look at the petrifying postman. “I find his interest in my teenage daughter creepy,” Dad grumbled.Oh, he had no idea.

~ A.e. Kirk

A.e. Kirk Divinicus Nex Chronicles Drop Dead Demons Hilarious Laughed My Butt Off

John shrugged. It always seemed silly to me to desire a woman who cannot converse any better than a sheep.Belle leaned forward, her eyes glittering mischievously. Really? I would have thought you'd prefer such a woman,considering your difficulty with polite conversation.Touche, my lady. I cede this round to you.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn Couple Banter Hilarious Humor

What are you doing?I'm, uh, acting normal.No you're not. You're acting like someone pretending to be normal. Stop pretending and start acting, but don't act like you're not pretending, that'll make it worse.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Funny Hilarious Make Me Laugh

Anthony watched him, dumbfounded, and then turned to Lucy. “What have you done with Zack’s brain?”Lucy stood to follow Zack. “What brain? I don’t think he has one. I think he’s just one giant exposed nerve ending. I swear sometimes at night, I can hear his neurons snapping like popcorn.

~ Jennifer Crusie

Jennifer Crusie Hilarious Love

Clearly, his winks were some sort of superpower, because I swear that if he asked me to jump from the roof of a tall building and then winked, I’d jump.

~ C.p. Smith

C.p. Smith Hilarious Wink

Dont shave,I like it..It helps with one of my new fantasies.Yeah ?Zack shifted a little to the center on top of him for maximum pleasure.What new fantasy is that ?Lucy grinned,the sleepiness in her smile melting into guile.The one about the innocent schoolteacher and the vicious,uncivilized cop.Want to play ?Sure.Zack ran his hands up her back.Who do you want to be ?I,of course will be the innocent schoolteacherLucy batted her eyes at him.Which makes me the cop.All right you have the right to remain naked.Lucy laughed.

~ Jennifer Crusie

Jennifer Crusie Cop Hilarious Love Naked

Why are babies allowed to cry when they wake up, but adults crying when they wake is frowned upon? Babies are permitted to act like assholes whenever they feel like it and no one blinks...

~ Chelsea Handler

Chelsea Handler Hilarious

First, if you participate in Movember, fuck you. Second, if you want to raise money for prostate cancer (a noble cause), do it the old-fashioned way, by either begging for it or exerting yourself physically for donations. Sitting on your ass and letting nature take its course above your upper lip is not the same thing as running a 10K at a local high school or breaking out the set of power tools your dad gave you as a housewarming present collecting dust in your garage and using them to go out and build a habitat for humanity. Maybe I can raise money for rectal cancer by getting people to pledge a dollar every time I take a shit. And third no one wants to see that horrific seventies pornstache growing like a caterpillar with cerebral palsy zigzagging across your face; you look like you're about to go door to door informing people that you're a registered sex offender who's just moved in next door and would their kids like to come out and was your windowless van for a dollar?Fuck Movember. And November.

~ Ari Gold

Ari Gold Ari Gold Beard Cancer Hilarious Movember November Rules To Rule By The Gold Standard

There's a reason caveman started to develop sophisticated tools before the meteor wiped them all out: It's so they could fucking shave. Do you know how frustrating it must have been to be hunched over all night trying to start a fire only to finally succeed just to have your beard go up in flames? No aloe vera back then.

~ Ari Gold

Ari Gold Ari Gold Beard Funny Grooming Hilarious Humor Rules To Rule By Shaving The Gold Standard

And, really, she did like Chandler, too. She did. What woman wouldn’t? He was handsome and successful, a member of one of Nashville’s oldest and most prominent families. But she’d never felt anything more than a friendly sort of affection for him, and even that usually only came about after she’d consumed a good, dry Manhattan. Preferably during a two- for- one happy hour. At any rate, she’d never experienced for Chandler the kind of feeling a woman should have for a man she thought about marrying, that breathless kind of wanting, that aching sort of yearning, that endless, ferocious passion, that insistent, frenzied, needy demand, that hot, sweaty, wanton arousal that made a woman just want to rip off her clothes and wrap her naked body around a man and feed herself to him whole, that...that… Ah, where was she? Oh, yes. At any rate, she’d never experienced that sort of, um, feeling for Chandler that a woman should have for a man with whom she intended to spend the rest of her life.

~ Elizabeth Bevarly

Elizabeth Bevarly Character Inner Narrative Hilarious Lost In Thought Ramblings

The posters bore the words WITH THE PASSING YEARS COMES...IMPOTENCE! Magnus found himself staring at the posters with a sort of absent horror. He looked at Alec and found that Alec could not tear his eyes away either. He wondered if Alec was aware that Magnus was three hundred years old and whether Alec was considering exactly how impotent one might become after that much time.

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Alec First Date Hilarious Impotence Magnus Malec

Doing nothing is hard. You never know when you’re done. —T-SHIRT

~ Darynda Jones

Darynda Jones Funny Hilarious Laugh

He closed his eyes. The insides of his eyelids were a brownish black, not at all the same as the thick purple of the night. Darkness had so many colors. It was strange, that, and perhaps a little disquieting. But—―Oh!‖A foot slammed into his left calf, and he opened his eyes just in time to see a woman tumbling backward.Right onto his blanket.He smiled. The gods still loved him.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn First Sight Hilarious

Hmmm... that's interesting.What?There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Awesome Funny Hilarious Humor Humour Make Me Laugh

At present, however, with his aching head and queasy stomach, Sebastian was feeling exceedingly resistible. Or if not that, then resistant. Aphrodite herself could descend from the ceiling, floating on a bloody clamshell, naked but for a few well-placed flowers, and he‘d likely puke at her feet.No, no, she ought to be completely naked. If he was going to prove the existence of a goddess, right here in this room, she was damned well going to be naked.He‘d still puke on her feet, though.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn Goddess Hilarious Naked

Just a few questions for you, Mr. Dunne. Or Kenny. Can I call you Kenny? I feel we've become friends in these past few seconds. Can I call you Kenny?

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Funny Hilarious Humour Silly

Sebastian got up and walked to the window, resting his forehead against the pane. It was cold outside, and the icy chill pressed up against him through the glass. He liked the sensation. It was big. Grand. The sort of vivid moment that reminded him of his humanity. He was cold, therefore he must be alive. He was cold, therefore he must not be invincible. He was cold, thereforeHe stood back and let out a disgusted snort. He was cold, therefore he was cold. There wasn‘t really much more to it.

~ Julia Quinn

Julia Quinn Hilarious

I had a date last night with my boyfriend on batteries. What does a girl have to do to get laid by a real penis?

~ Sandi Lynn

Sandi Lynn Hilarious Kirsty

-You have what they call the complete package, Adders.-What do you know about my package?-No that package, you idiot! You are the complete package! I wasn't talking about what's in your trousers!

~ Lisa J. Hobman

Lisa J. Hobman Hilarious

Sqwaak! from Fletcher, the environmental crime fighting parrot in The Big Belch graphic novel by Kay Wood.

~ Kay Wood

Kay Wood Baby Boomers Environmental Funny Graphic Novel Hilarious

What’s your rank of choice?”Juliet started, nearly spilling her cup of lemonade. “Pardon?”Drake gestured to all the other men in the room. “Every rank from a duke down to a second son who became a vicar is available for your choosing. Any rank strike your fancy?”“I believe you’re incorrect,” she said, looking over all the men in the room. “I see one second son-vicar, one baron―” she turned to him―“one viscount, two earls, and one duke. But alas, no marquis.”His brown eyes lit with mischief. “I’d say that I stand corrected, but I do not. There is a marquis on the premises. If you’d like to dance with him, I’ll see if a servant can fetch him from the nursery.

~ Rose Gordon

Rose Gordon Conversations Dancing Hilarious

With a nod, Thorne started down the street. 'This way.' Five steps later, he paused, pondered, turned around. 'No, no, this way.' 'We're dead.' 'No, I've got it now. It's this way.' 'Don't you have an address?' 'A captain always knows where his ship is. It's like a psychic bond.' 'If only we had a captain here.' He ignored her, marching down the street with spectacular confidence.

~ Marissa Meyer

Marissa Meyer Charming Comic Relief Funny Hilarious

He asked what she was in for and complimented the find workmanship of her metal extremities, but she ignored him, making him briefly question if he'd been separated from the female population for so long that he could be losing his charm. But that seemed unlikely.

~ Marissa Meyer

Marissa Meyer Charm Comic Relief Funny Hilarious

Nat is already laughing. We go through this every morning. She tells Nik I own a clown car.I glower at her while I put my foot up onto Nik’s lap and kick the passenger door while turning the ignition.She starts.Works every time.Nik looks like he’s not sure whether to laugh or get the hell out of the car.We’re on our way to work and Nat says, “Nik, turn on the radio.”He shakes his head and replies cynically, “I would but I’m scared the roof might fly off.”Nat and I burst into laughter. We laugh so much we both sob and laugh at the same time.

~ Belle Aurora

Belle Aurora Belle Aurora Friend Zoned Hilarious

I don't know what to do about him, Sammy. (Jackie)It's not what you do about him. It's what you do with him. Grab him by those big, manly arms that I'm assuming he has, and show him what New York has to offer.

~ Ali Novak

Ali Novak Bestfriend Hilarious New York Sammy

So you need an alarm system because you gonna be in bad neighborhoods?Actually, I sort of stole a car, and I'm afraid the owner will try to get it back.

~ Janet Evanovich

Janet Evanovich Hilarious

There once was a man from Des MoinesWhose wife was always annoyedHe stepped in the kitchenShe started her bitchin'Now that fucking cunt is dead.

~ Frances Winkler

Frances Winkler Hilarious Humor Limerick Rude
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