Humor Quotes

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

~ Napoléon Bonaparte

Let's carpe the hell out of this diem.

~ Alexandra Bracken

Well, that's your opinion, isn't it? And I'm not about to waste my time trying to change it.

~ Lady Gaga

Half of seeming clever is keeping your mouth shut at the right times.

~ Patrick Rothfuss

Harry — I think I've just understood something! I've got to go to the library!”And she sprinted away, up the stairs. does she understand?” said Harry distractedly, still looking around, trying to tell where the voice had come from.“Loads more than I do,” said Ron, shaking his head.“But why’s she got to go to the library?”“Because that’s what Hermione does,” said Ron, shrugging. “When in doubt, go to the library.

~ J.k. Rowling

If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.

~ Christopher Moore

I love new clothes. If everyone could just wear new clothes everyday, I reckon depression wouldn’t exist anymore.

~ Sophie Kinsella

It's not like there's a law against flying.Yes there is. The law of gravity.

~ Laini Taylor

1492. As children we were taught to memorize this year with pride and joy as the year people began living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America. Actually, people had been living full and imaginative lives on the continent of North America for hundreds of years before that. 1492 was simply the year sea pirates began to rob, cheat, and kill them.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

~ Woody Allen

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

~ Jon Stewart

The Colonel led all the cheers.Cornbread! he screamed.CHICKEN! the crowd responded.Rice!PEAS!And then, all together: WE GOT HIGHER SATs.Hip Hip Hip Hooray! the Colonel cried.YOU'LL BE WORKIN' FOR US SOMEDAY!

~ John Green

I hated sports. I hated sports, and I hated people who played them, and I hated people who watched them, and I hated people who didn't hate people who watched or played them.

~ John Green

You're so full of crap, you could pass for a toilet.

~ Kami Garcia

A towel, [The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy] says, is about the most massively useful thing an interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches of Santraginus V, inhaling the heady sea vapors; you can sleep under it beneath the stars which shine so redly on the desert world of Kakrafoon; use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River Moth; wet it for use in hand-to-hand-combat; wrap it round your head to ward off noxious fumes or avoid the gaze of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal (such a mind-boggingly stupid animal, it assumes that if you can't see it, it can't see you); you can wave your towel in emergencies as a distress signal, and of course dry yourself off with it if it still seems to be clean enough.

~ Douglas Adams

Pretty soon the only people left without a girlfriend will be me and Wendell the school janitor, and he smells like windex.At least you know he's still available.

~ Cassandra Clare

My name is Percy Jackson. I'm twelve years old. Until a few months ago, I was a boarding student at Yancy Academy, a private school for troubled kids in upstate New York.Am I a troubled kid?Yeah. You could say that.

~ Rick Riordan

Curiouser and curiouser.

~ Lewis Carroll

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

~ George Bernard Shaw

Don't look at me in that tone of voice.

~ Dorothy Parker

You forget, darling. the local psychopath.

~ Kelley Armstrong

when you're not looking, somebody'll sneak up and write Fuck you right under your nose.

~ J.d. Salinger

MS. THOMPSON, it said in heavy block letters, PLEASE KEEP YOUR FELINE OFF MY PROPERTY. IF I SEE IT AGAIN, I WILL EAT IT.

~ Patricia Briggs

The covers of this book are too far apart.

~ Ambrose Bierce

She's the sort of woman who lives for others - you can tell the others by their hunted expression.

~ C.s. Lewis

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

~ Kurt Vonnegut Jr.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

~ George Carlin

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.

~ Mark Twain

Okay, God, I thought. Get me out of this and I’ll stop my half-assed church-going ways. You got me past a pack of Strigoi tonight. I mean, trapping that one between the doors really shouldn't have worked, so clearly you're on board. Let me get out of here, and I’ll...I don’t know. Donate Adrian’s money to the poor. Get baptized. Join a convent. Well, no. Not that last one.

~ Richelle Mead

Books can also provoke emotions. And emotions sometimes are even more troublesome than ideas. Emotions have led people to do all sorts of things they later regret-like, oh, throwing a book at someone else.

~ Pseudonymous Bosch

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

~ George Burns

As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway.

~ Bill Watterson

In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks.

~ Bill Watterson

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Also, I'm sleeping with your mom. Just thought you should know.

~ Cassandra Clare

Look at me!Look at me!Look at me NOW!It is fun to have funBut you have to know how.

~ Dr. Seuss

So it's true. You can walk in sunlight. I thought perhaps it might have worn off.If I feel the urge to burst into flames, I'll let you know.

~ Cassandra Clare

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.

~ Herman Wouk

I must have a prodigious amount of mind; it takes me as much as a week, sometimes, to make it up!

~ Mark Twain

Anyone can speak Troll. All you have to do is point and grunt.

~ J.k. Rowling