Humor Quotes

He moved to sniff some white-and-yellow flowers.A nightmare. This was a nightmare. “You can’t really like flowers.”Again those dark eyes shifted to her. Blinked once. I most certainly do, he seemed to say.

~ Sarah J. Maas

A morning coffee is my favorite way of starting the day, settling the nerves so that they don't later fray.

~ Marcia Carrington

It was one of the dullest speeches I ever heard. The Agee woman told us for three quarters of an hour how she came to write her beastly book, when a simple apology was all that was required.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Holy mother!Hmph. More like holy father. I'd think you'd know the difference.-Hephaetus

~ Rick Riordan

A recent survey or North American males found 42% were overweight, 34% were critically obese and 8% ate the survey.

~ Banksy

I wish someone had just told me the truth right up front, as soon as I was old enough to understand it. I wish someone had just said: “Here’s the deal, Wade. You’re something called a ‘human being.’ That’s a really smart kind of animal. Like every other animal on this planet, we’re descended from a single-celled organism that lived millions of years ago. This happened by a process called evolution, and you’ll learn more about it But trust me, that’s really how we all got here. There’s proof of it everywhere, buried in the rocks. That story you heard? About how we were all created by a super-powerful dude named God who lives up in the sky? Total bullshit. The whole God thing is actually an ancient fairy tale that people have been telling one another for thousands of years. We made it all up. Like Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny. “Oh, and by the way … there’s no Santa Claus or Easter Bunny. Also bullshit. Sorry, kid Deal with it.

~ Ernest Cline

Clary made fun of him about his new look; but, then, Clary found everything about Simon's love life borderline hilarious.

~ Cassandra Clare

If God wanted a world filled with saints, He never would have created adolescence.

~ Susan Beth Pfeffer

Should I pull on a shirt? he asked with hint of amusement. I WILL NOT BLUSH. No. He'd be doing the world a favor if he never wore a shirt again, but I wasn't going to tell him that part. You're fine.

~ Gena Showalter

The long run is a misleading guide to current affairs. In the long run we are all dead.

~ John Maynard Keynes

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

~ Woody Allen

Well,” she said. “I’m frustrated.”“Don’t make me angry-kiss you.”“Give me the laundry.”“Tempers rising, faces flushed … This is how it happens.

~ Rainbow Rowell

But there is in everything a reasonable division of labour. I have written the book, and nothing on earth would induce me to read it.

~ G.k. Chesterton

The greater part of the world's troubles are due to questions of grammar.

~ Michel De Montaigne

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.

~ H.l. Mencken

I box in yellow Gox box socks.

~ Dr. Seuss

Nothing is safe from you. If I were to court a girl who lived on an iceberg in the middle of the ocean, sooner or later— probably sooner— I’d look up to see you swooping overhead on a broomstick. In fact, by now I’d be disappointed in you if I didn’t see you.” “Are you off to the iceberg today?” Sophie retorted.

~ Diana Wynne Jones

I thought you said you were the one in charge! Ce'Nedra exclaimed.I lied. Silk said. It's a vice I have.

~ David Eddings

That’s why I admired that kid who spelled it wrong on purpose so he could sit down. He knew he wasn’t going to win, so why stand there for 3 hours. First round. “Cat, K-A-T, I’m outta here.” Then as he passed you, “Ha! I know there’s 2 T’s.

~ Brian Regan

A horse must be a bit mad to be a good cavalry mount, and its rider must be completely so.

~ Steven Pressfield

Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.

~ Darynda Jones

Are you her boyfriend?”...No, I’m her fiancé.” Nate said.We’ve been promised to each other since birth,” Summer added.Our wedding isn’t until March.

~ Brandon Mull

I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe.

~ John Sandford

Here's something for you to remember; you might have been born into money, but you came out of a vagina the same as everyone else. Popping out of one that's rich doesn't make you anything but lucky, or susceptible to being stuck your own arse. Whichever.

~ Suzanne Wright

Running ain't no bad thing. Leastways if you run in the right direction.

~ Mark Lawrence

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

~ Stephen Colbert

now, if there's anything stupider than buddy lists, its lol. if anyone ever uses lol with me, i rip my computer right out of the wall and smash it over the nearest head. i mean, it's not like anyone is laughing out loud about the things they lol. i think it should be spelled loll. like what a lobotomized person's tongue does. loll. loll. i can't think anymore. loll. loll! or ttyl. bitch, you're not actually talking. that would require actual vocal contact or <3. you honestly think that looks like a heart? if you do, that's only because you'v never seen scrotum. (rofl! what? are you really rolling on the floor laughing? well, please stay down there a sec while i KICK YOUR ASS)

~ David Levithan

I care. They bother me. And that's why I'm stupid. That makes me exponentially more stupid than stupid. I'm stupid to the power of stupid.

~ Kami Garcia

Forget men, I want to marry my MacBook. It’s dependable, reliable and you can even go shopping with it.

~ Alexandra Potter

Heroism doesn't pay very well. I try to be cold-blooded and money-oriented, but I keep screwing it up.

~ Jim Butcher

I stood my ground. You evil scientist are all the same--evil. Count me out.Fang and I brushed past Mr. God and walked quickly but smoothly to the exit. It was barely noon, and I'd already made a huge enemy.Dang, I'm good.

~ James Patterson

What are you doing? Ya! said Jane, whirling around, her hands held up menacingly. It was Mr. Nobley with coat, hat, and cane, watching her with wide eyes. Jane took several quick (but oh so casual) steps away from Martin's window. Um, did I just say, 'Ya'? You just said 'Ya,' he confirmed. If I am not mistaken, it was a battle cry, warning that you were about to attack me.I, uh... She stopped to laugh. I wasn't aware until this precise and awkward moment that when startled in a startled in a strange place, my instincts would have me pretend to be a ninja.

~ Shannon Hale

A succubus on the set. Strike that, the health-conscious kid sister made it two… succubuses. Succubusees? Succubi? Stupid Latin correspondence course.

~ Jim Butcher

Principal Principal: Where's your late pass, mister?Errant Student: I'm on my way to get one now. PP: But you can't be in the hall without a pass. ES: I know, I'm so upset. That's why I need to hurry, so I can get a pass. Principal Principal pauses with a look on his face like Daffy Duck's when Bugs is pulling a fast one. PP: Well, hurry up, then, and get that pass.

~ Laurie Halse Anderson

Fire wants to burn Water wants to flow Air wants to rise Earth wants to bindChaos wants to devourCal wants to live

~ Cassandra Clare

Are you going to tell me what that was about?” Adam asked as we went back upstairs.“Sometime,” I told him. “When we're telling ghost stories around a campfire, and I want to scare you.

~ Patricia Briggs

I realized then what had happened.She had turned us--all of us, except for Mouse--into great, gaunt, long-legged hounds.Wonderful! Lea said, pirouetting upon one toe, laughing. Come, children! And she leapt off into the jungle, nimble and swift as a doe.A bunch of us dogs stood around for a moment, just sort of staring at one another..

~ Jim Butcher

If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons.

~ James Thurber

Every intelligent being, whether it breathes or not, coughs nervously at some time in its life.

~ Terry Pratchett

But you can't stay with people because of guilt. Or because they can drive a speedboat.

~ Sophie Kinsella