Humor Quotes

Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.

~ Justin Halpern

Black Court vampires. I just shortened it some.Ebenezar tsked. Blampires. That's the problem with you young people. Shortening all the words.

~ Jim Butcher

I know the Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider can't fly because if it could, it would have a different name entirely. We would call it sir because it would be the dominant species on the planet. None of us would leave the house unless a Goliath Fucking Bird-Eating Spider said it was okay

~ David Wong

Religion is like a blind man looking in a black room for a black cat that isn't there, and finding it.

~ Anonymous

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would have made them cute and furry.

~ Dave Barry

Shane, in case we don’t … don’t come out of this, I wanted to say…”He glanced over at her, and she felt her whole body warm from it. She remembered that look. It made her feel naked inside and out, but not in a creepy kind of way. In a way that felt…. Free. “If what you say is true, and I guess it has to be, I think I know why we’re … together,” he said. “I think I’d fall for you no matter what, Claire. You’re kind of awesome.

~ Rachel Caine

Why, aren’t you just about as sweet as syrup on a sundae? I sure would appreciate that, ma’am.” He winked. “How’d you like ta stroll the deck of this fine ship with me and watch the sunset? I need a purty girl to put her arm around me and steady this bow-legged cowboy as he finds his sea legs.” I raised an eyebrow and affected a southern accent. “Why, I think you’re a pullin’ my leg there, Texas. You’ve had your sea legs a lot longer than I have.” He rubbed the stubble on his face. “You might be right at that. Well then, how about you taggin’ along to keep me warm?” “It’s about eighty degrees.” “Shoot, you’re a smart one, you are. Then how ‘bout I jes say that a feller can get pretty lonesome by hisself in a strange country and he’d like to keep compn’y with you fer a while longer.

~ Colleen Houck

Church was doing what he often did when dropped - lying on his back with all four legs in the air, pretending to be dead in order to induce guilt in his owners.

~ Cassandra Clare

Even if I could, I wouldn't. Scars can come in handy. I have one myself above my left knee that is a perfect map of the London Underground.

~ J.k. Rowling

Laughter is good for you. Nine out of ten stand-up comedians recommend laughter in the face of intense stupidity.

~ Jim Butcher

What? Jace was still staring at her as if she'd told him she'd found one of the Silent Brothers doing nude cartwheels in the hallway.

~ Cassandra Clare

Nobody comes here anymore, its too crowded

~ Yogi Berra

You just noticed? You're slow...

~ Tite Kubo

We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

~ Graham Chapman

You see, I, unlike you, have been made a prefect, which means that I, unlike you, have the power to hand out punishments.”“Yeah,” said Harry, “but you, unlike me, are a git.

~ J.k. Rowling

Could you hold the chainsaw a bit closer to your mouth, please?

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Join us next time for Days of the Undead when Rachel learns her long lost brother is really a crown prince from outer space.

~ Kim Harrison

What, you didn’t pack your lunch?” Ty asked sarcastically as he shifted around in the seat and wedged himself against the door. He kicked a foot up and propped it on the console between the two front seats. “Sure, in my SpongeBob SquarePants lunch box. I have the thermos, too,” Morrison shot right back. Zane kept his mouth shut, eyes moving between the two men, and occasionally back to the driver, who was casually paying attention. Ty stared at the kid and narrowed his eyes further. “Spongewhat?” he asked flatly. Zane didn’t even try to hold back the chuckle when Morrison looked at Ty like he’d lost his mind. “Spongewha … you’re yanking my chain, aren’t you?” Morrison said. “Henny, he’s yanking my chain.” “Yeah, well, that’s what you getting for waving it in his face,” the driver answered reasonably. “What the hell is a SpongeBob?” Ty asked Zane quietly in the backseat.

~ Madeleine Urban

A joke is an epigram on the death of a feeling.

~ Friedrich Nietzsche

You have no idea about presents or what they mean. The lastpresent you gave me was a stick.”“You wanted a weapon.”“It was a stick.”“It had a bow on it.”“It was a stick.”“I thought you liked the stick. You laughed.

~ Derek Landy

It was one thing to snuggle a little when the world seemed about to end, and quite another to explain to her parents that she wanted to date an ancient magical horse.

~ Brandon Mull

I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.-Calvin

~ Bill Watterson

So let me get this straight. You were living in a tent in the woods, but now you're living with Prince Charming and anger management boy? SERIOUSLY?!

~ Natsuki Takaya

When you choose a man who thinks eight seconds is a long time, perhaps you need two of them. Hmm?

~ Cat Johnson

Most bullies are the product of a stressful and often abusive home life. Next time a bully threatens or attacks you, just yell, 'Don't abuse me like your parents abuse you!' Then call children's services and tell them you saw this bully crying in the bathroom and you're worried about him. Bam! He just got moved to a foster home.

~ Eugene Mirman

The ill-informed masses included her own family among their ranks, a family that specialized in being both inconvenient and asinine.

~ Gail Carriger

There are things that are so serious that you can only joke about them.

~ Werner Heisenberg

Now we're going to save a bunch of dirty meatsacks from a bunch of dirty cannibals? Why don't we rescue some orphaned kittens and put food out for stray puppies while we're at it?

~ Julie Kagawa

Why can't these American women stay in their own country? They are always telling us that it is the paradise for women.It is. That is the reason why, like Eve, they are so excessively anxious to get out of it.

~ Oscar Wilde

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

~ Steven Wright

She accused me of wearing pants from the salvation army.Rose, your pants ARE from the salvation army.That's SO not the point!

~ Richelle Mead

Michael has never cried during a Broadway show. Except in that scene where Tarzan's ape father is brutally murdered.And that was only because he was laughing so hard.

~ Meg Cabot

It is often argued that religion is valuable because it makes men good, but even if this were true it would not be a proof that religion is true. That would be an extension of pragmatism beyond endurance. Santa Claus makes children good in precisely the same way, and yet no one would argue seriously that the fact proves his existence. The defense of religion is full of such logical imbecilities. The theologians, taking one with another, are adept logicians, but every now and then they have to resort to sophistries so obvious that their whole case takes on an air of the ridiculous. Even the most logical religion starts out with patently false assumptions. It is often argued in support of this or that one that men are so devoted to it that they are willing to die for it. That, of course, is as silly as the Santa Claus proof. Other men are just as devoted to manifestly false religions, and just as willing to die for them. Every theologian spends a large part of his time and energy trying to prove that religions for which multitudes of honest men have fought and died are false, wicked, and against God.

~ H.l. Mencken

I would love to slap you right now, but I’m currently wielding a nine pound ball and I’m afraid that would be called murder.

~ Sara Wolf

Real life is sometimes boring, rarely conclusive and boy, does the dialogue need work.

~ Sarah Rees Brennan

I loved you way before you ever had a chance to put a spell on me. I loved you at 'I've never been to Long Island,' Zach said.I couldn't keep a big goofy grin from my face.I loved you at 'I like seals,' I admitted. He grinned back.

~ Meg Cabot

Mrs. Spence picks up a roll of toilet paper from the counter and scrunches her nose.“Ask Caymen about that,” Xander says.Great, now I have to explain to his mother about my vandalism? “Your son called me with a toilet paper emergency. I rushed right over.”She looks confused so Xander says, “She’s kidding, Mom.

~ Kasie West

I still love him so much I'll hide any amount of conjugated estrogen in his food. So much I'll do anything to destroy him.

~ Chuck Palahniuk

Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. Do you want a spanking or do you want to go to bed? Don't you want to save some of the pizza for your brother? Wasn't there any change?

~ Erma Bombeck

I take my only exercise acting as a pallbearer at the funerals of my friends who exercise regularly.

~ Mark Twain