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Humor quote from classy quote

It smells terrible in here.'Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.

~ John Kennedy Toole

John Kennedy Toole Humor Humour Odors Smells Stink Writing

I hear your insults and plan to silence them with my victory.

~ Claudia Gray

Claudia Gray Book Humor

I'm a Christian first, and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don't you ever forget it. You know who else was kind of divisive in terms of challenging the status quo and the powers-that-be of his day? Jesus Christ.

~ Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter Faith Humor Politics

It's the perfect solution. We argue all the time. We can't stand each other. It's like we're already married.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Lisa Kleypas Cat Hathaways Humor Leo Marriage

HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There arefour kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, andpraiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slainwhether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is foradvantage of the lawyers.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Ambrose Bierce Funny Homicide Humor

A boy who once wiped his ass with poison ivy probably doesn't belong in a smart people's club.

~ Stephen King

Stephen King Humor

The one I felt and still feel most is lack of time. I used to have time to think, to reflect, my mind and I. We would sit together of an evening and listen to the inner melodies of the spirit, which one hears only in leisure moments when the words ofsome loved poet touch a deep, sweet chord in the soul that until then had been silent. But in college there is no time to commune with one's thoughts. One goes to college to learn, it seems, not to think. When one enters the portals of learning, one leaves the dearest pleasures--solitude, books and imagination--outside with the whispering pines. I suppose I ought to find some comfort in the thought that I am laying up treasures for future enjoyment, but I am improvident enough to prefer present joy to hoarding riches against a rainy day.

~ Helen Keller

Helen Keller Humor True To Life

The problem with a life spent reading is you know too much.

~ Josh Lanyon

Josh Lanyon Humor Reading Witty

Angelina leaned forward as Sara pulled Miki back to her, You know what they say about curiosity? That it stabbed the annoying biker girl over and over and over again until she spit up blood.

~ Shelly Laurenston

Shelly Laurenston Funny Humor Humour

We are gods with anuses.

~ Ernest Becker

Ernest Becker Existentialism Human Condition Humor Philosofy Psychology Religion

Your level of neuroses will only find love in a made-for-TV movie.

~ Michelle Hodkin

Michelle Hodkin Describes Me Funny Humor

I have never met any really wicked person before. I feel rather frightened. I am so afraid he will look just like every one else.

~ Oscar Wilde

Oscar Wilde Good And Evil Humor

When one thing takes another away, what do we call that?” she asked my class. “Homicide!” I called out

~ Chris Colfer

Chris Colfer Humor

It's just another of Robin's sayings. Like, 'Holy strawberries, Batman, we're in a jam! Or, Holy Kleenex, Batman, it was right under our nose and we blew it!

~ Karen Marie Moning

Karen Marie Moning Batman Robin Dani O Malley Humor

All sins are forgiven once you start making a lot of money.

~ Rupaul

Rupaul Humor Money Past Present Sins Thought Truth

A man's subconscious self is not the ideal companion. It lurks for the greater part of his life in some dark den of its own, hidden away, and emerges only to taunt and deride and increase the misery of a miserable hour.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

P.g. Wodehouse Humor Misery Moroseness Subconscious

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

~ Steven Wright

Steven Wright Humor Riddle

The wolf said, You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone. Red Riding Hood said, I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop your own, entirely valid, worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I must be on my way.

~ James Finn Garner

James Finn Garner Fairy Tales Funny Humor Little Red Riding Hood Politics Sexist

Nix to Declan:Begin transcript—Testing. Hello, hellooo, anybody out there? Check, check, one, two. Soft pee. Puh, puh. Resonance! Sooooooft pee. Alpha bravo disco tango duck.This is Nïx! I’m the Ever-Knowing One, a goddess incandescent, incomparable, and irresistible. But enough about what you think of me. It’s a beautiful day in New Orleans. The wind is out of the east at a steady five knots and clouds look like rabbits … But enough about what you think of me!Now, down to business—Squirrel!Where was I? [Long pause] Why am I in Regin’s car? Bertil, you crawl right back out of that bong this minute!Oh, I remember! I am hereby laying down this track for Magister Declan Chase. If you are a mortal of the recorder peon class, know that Dekko and I go waaaaay back, and he’ll go berserk (snicker snicker) if he doesn’t receive this transmittal. …Chase, riddle me this: what’s beautiful but monstrous, long of tooth but sharp of tooth and soft of mind, and can never ever tell a lie?That’s right. The Enemy of Old can be very useful to you. So use him already.P.S. Your middle name’s about to be spelled r-e-g-r-e-t.And with that, I must bid you adieu. Don’t worry, we’ll catch up very soon. …[Muffled] Who’s mummy’s wittle echolocator? That’s right—you are!—End transcript

~ Kresley Cole

Kresley Cole Humor

I'm dying! Malfoy yelled, as the class panicked. I'm dying, look at me! It's killed me!

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Harry Potter Humor Malfoy

Trust me, Wilbur. People are very gullible. They'll believe anything they see in print.

~ E.b. White

E.b. White Gullibility Humor Insidious

She runs the gamut of emotions from A to B.

~ Dorothy Parker

Dorothy Parker Bad Reviews Classic Insult Drama Critic Humor Katharine Hepburn

Listen, street punk. You're a guy, and you're a couple inches taller, and maybe forty pounds heavier, and ooh, you're in a gang. But I've survived ten years of Catholic school, and I will cut you off at your knees without a blink. Do you understand?

~ James Patterson

James Patterson Angel Humor Maxride Ratchet Star

She had not made a decision to give up sex, only the clamor of romance, because it was exhausting her, doing her no good and too much harm...

~ Michelle Herman

Michelle Herman Heartbreak Humor Romance Sex

Was that you, Pooky Bear?

~ Susan Ee

Susan Ee Humor Pooky Bear Swords

I am often thought of as being remarkably bright, and yet my brains, more often than not, are busily devising new and interesting ways of bringing my enemies to sudden, gagging, writhing, agonizing death.

~ Alan Bradley

Alan Bradley Dark Humor Enemies Flavia De Luce Humor Intelligence Sarcasm Vengeance Wrath

That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger,” said Snape coolly. “Five more points from Gryffindor for being an insufferable know-it-all.

~ J.k. Rowling

J.k. Rowling Humor Severus Snape

If someone called me chubby, it would no longer be something that kept me up late at night. Being called fat is not like being called stupid or unfunny, which is the worst thing you could ever say to me. Do I envy Jennifer Hudson for being able to lose all that weight and look smokin’ hot? Of course, yes. Do I sometimes look at Gisele Bundchen and wonder how awesome life would be if I never had to wear Spanx? Duh, of course. That’s kind of the point of Gisele Bundchen. And maybe I will, once or twice, for a very short period of time. But on the list of things I want to do in my lifetime, that’s not near the top. I mean, it’s not near the bottom either. I’d say it’s right above “Learn to drive a vespa,” but several notches below “film a chase scene for a movie.

~ Mindy Kaling

Mindy Kaling Humor

An open Facebook page is simply a psychiatric dry erase board that screams, “Look at me. I am insecure. I need your reaction to what I am doing, but you’re not cool enough to be my friend. Therefore, I will just pray you see this because the approval of God is not all I need.

~ Shannon L. Alder

Shannon L. Alder Be Better Be Kind Clever Comments Embarrassment Fake Give People Space Google Plus Hidden Agendas Humor Jabs Let It Go Lighten Up Listen More Obvious Open Wall Pinterest Posting Quotes Reality Run Away Self Respect Social Media Truthful Wakeup Call Walk Away Women

Mr Lorry asks the witness questions:Ever been kicked? Might have been.Frequently? No. Ever kicked down stairs? Decidedly not; once received a kick at the top of a staircase, and fell down stairs of his own accord.

~ Charles Dickens

Charles Dickens Courtroom Dickens Humor Lie Witness

The problem with having evil minions is that minions are stupid.

~ Larissa Ione

Larissa Ione Funny Humor

If you don't make a few ememies now and then, you're a coward-or worse. Besides, it as worth it to see his reaction. Oh, he was angry!- Angela to Eragon

~ Christopher Paolini

Christopher Paolini Anger Bravery Cowardice Humor

If he's getting married, he's not longer interesting.

~ Colette

Colette Humor Marriage Men

Leo. Jason said, you're wierd. Yeah, you tell me that a lot. Leo grinned. But if you don't remember me, that means I can reuse all my old jokes. Come on!

~ Rick Riordan

Rick Riordan Funny Haha Humor Leo

God, I love a man who reads

~ Tiffany Reisz

Tiffany Reisz Humor

Jocks usually aren't smart. Their muscles feast on their brains.

~ Katie Mcgarry

Katie Mcgarry Beth Humor Jocks

See? This is why I'm not religious. I couldn't possibly keep my mouth shut long enough to get along with everyone else.

~ Jim Butcher

Jim Butcher Harry Dresden Humor Religion

I’m not an idiot, Kenji. I have reasons for the things I say.”“Yeah, and maybe I’m just saying that you have no idea what you’re saying.”“Whatever.”“Don’t whatever me—”“Whatever,” I say again.“Oh my God,” Kenji says to no one in particular. “I think this girl wants to get her ass kicked.”“You couldn’t kick my ass if I had ten of them.”Kenji laughs out loud. “Is that a challenge?”It’s a warning,” I say to him.“Ohhhhhh, so you’re threatening me now? Little crybaby knows how to make threats now?”“Shut up, Kenji.”“Shut up, Kenji,” he repeats in a whiny voice, mocking me.

~ Tahereh Mafi

Tahereh Mafi Humor Ignite Me Juliette Kenji

My geekness is a-quivering.

~ Jack Thorne

Jack Thorne Humor Scorpius Malfoy

There must be something wrong with those people who think Audrey Hepburn doesn’t perspire, hiccup or sneeze, because they know that’s not true. I n fact, I hiccup more than most.

~ Audrey Hepburn

Audrey Hepburn Audrey Hepburn Humor Perfection
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