Humor Quotes

Oh Blimey O‘Reilly's pantyhose...what is the point of Shakespeare? I know he is a genius and so on, but he does rave on.It's the bloody moon, for God's sake, Will, get a grip!!

~ Louise Rennison

Dear Teens at Starbucks wearing 'Abstain from Sex 2 Attain Ur Goals' t-shirts: Doesn't it depend on what my goals are?

~ John Green

It took teams of LEP warlocks to slow down time for a few hours, the magic required to open a door to the tunnel was stupendous. It would be easier to shoot down the moon.Opal tapped this into her notepad.Reminder. Shoot down the moon? Viable?

~ Eoin Colfer

We were just looking at maps...

~ Rick Riordan

The lustful glances thrown his way made me wish he wasn’t such a damned bowl of eye candy.- Cat re: Bones

~ Jeaniene Frost

And by golly, love sure was a battlefield. Benatar was right about that.

~ Charlaine Harris

He gave her a sly, sideways look. Did youbring it?My list? Heavens, no. What can you be thinking?His smile widened. I brought mine.Daphne gasped. You didn't!I did. Just to torture Mother. I'm going peruse it right in front of her, pull out my quizzing glass—You don't have a quizzing glass.He grinned—the slow, devastatingly wicked smile that all Bridgerton males seemed to possess. I bought one just for this occasion.Anthony, you absolutely cannot. She will kill you. And then, somehow, she'll find a way to blame me.I'm counting on it.

~ Julia Quinn

How did you kill the Ashman in the forest last year?”“I shot him with an arrow.”“What kind of arrow?”“A sharp one.”Nate rolled his eyes. “Really, dude? A sharp one?

~ Chelsea Fine

I've won Satan's lottery.

~ Christopher Moore

In my mind, I'm probably the biggest sex maniac you ever saw.

~ J.d. Salinger

Rich children are always blond, Jocelyn goes. It has to do with vitamins.

~ Jennifer Egan

Not daring to flee since my general location has just been broadcast to any killer who cares. I mean, I know it's cold out here and not everybody has a sleeping bag.

~ Suzanne Collins

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

~ Jon Stewart

Bethany blinked. Did you just hit me? she asked, disbelief coloring her every feature.Skylar raised both hands, palms outward. I come in peace!You do not come in peace. You hit me.I hit in peace!

~ Jennifer Lynn Barnes

What's the point of being a grown-up if you don't get to be immature?

~ Steven Moffat

Becky Renee Apple - can you believe her mom named her that and then had all of her sweaters monogramed with 'BRA'?

~ P.c. Cast

Conner Lassiter. Scheduled to be unwound the 21st of November-until you went AWOL. You caused an accident that killed a bus driver, left dozens of others injured, and shut down an interstate highway for hours. Then, on top of it, you took a hostage AND shot a Juvey-cop with his own tranq gun....He's the Akron AWOL?!

~ Neal Shusterman

The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty, and to someone else if she is plain.

~ Oscar Wilde

A library is like an island in the middle of a vast sea of ignorance, particularly if the library is very tall and the surrounding area has been flooded.

~ Daniel Handler

Your mum pounced on her and started sucking away. Would’ve been arousing if not for all the screaming.”“Ian,” Bones drew out warningly.He grinned. “You’re right. I was aroused anyway.

~ Jeaniene Frost

But I was not in the band, because I suffer from the kind of tone deafness that is generally associated with actual deafness

~ John Green

Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.

~ Terry Pratchett

And if you say that's because you lot barged into her home like a herd of mentally deficient sheep, I'm disowning all three of you.

~ Julia Quinn

Be you wise and never sad,You will get your lovely lad.Never serious be, nor true,And your wish will come to you--And if that makes you happy, kid,You'll be the first it ever did.

~ Dorothy Parker

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

~ Woody Allen

What’s next? The size of my cock?” “Hey, even pencils can get the job done—I’ve heard the moaning from your room to prove it.

~ J.r. Ward

Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is.Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable.Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.

~ Ambrose Bierce

Death doesn't care about personalities - he's more interested in meeting quotas.

~ Jasper Fforde

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up.- Charley Davidson

~ Darynda Jones

Oh shit, the mummy's after us, let's all walk a little faster

~ Stephen King

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. Do I look dead to you?

~ Darynda Jones

God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.

~ Darynda Jones

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby. This is also true of religion, although you will not find me saying so in print.

~ Dave Barry

Of all the consumer products, chewing gum is perhaps the most ridiculous: it literally has no nourishment – you just chew it to give yourself something to do with your stupid idiot Western mouth.Half the world is starving, and the other’s going, ‘I don’t actually need any nutrition, but it would be good to masticate, just to keep my mind off things.

~ Russell Brand

No one messes around with a nerd’s computer and escapes unscathed.

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Come to think of it, she did not speak a word. Yet I could have sworn she had the most beautiful voice.

~ Julie Klassen

Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take the crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the 'creative bug' is just a wee voice telling you, 'I'd like my crayons back, please.

~ Hugh Macleod

The sun rose slowly, as if it wasn't sure it was worth all the effort.

~ Terry Pratchett

I sat down and tried to write a story.Ian MacArthur is a wonderful sweet fellow who wears glasses and peers out of them with delight.That was the first sentence. The problem was that I just couldn't think of the next one. After cleaning my room three times, I decided to leave Ian alone for a while because I was starting to get mad at him.

~ Stephen Chbosky

I'm convinced that responsibility is some kind of psychological disease.

~ Brandon Sanderson