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Humor Quotes

Humor quote from classy quote

You just gotta tell her, man,’ I said. ‘You just gotta say, “Angela, I really like you, but there’s something you need to know: when we go to my house and hook up, we’ll be watched by the twenty-four hundred eyes of twelve hundred black Santas.

~ John Green

John Green Humor

People often say that the English are very cold fish, very reserved, that they have a way of looking at things – even tragedy – with a sense of irony. There’s some truth in it; it’s pretty stupid of them, though. Humor won’t save you; it doesn’t really do anything at all. You can look at life ironically for years, maybe decades; there are people who seem to go through most of their lives seeing the funny side, but in the end, life always breaks your heart. Doesn’t matter how brave you are, how reserved, or how much you’ve developed a sense of humor, you still end up with your heart broken. That’s when you stop laughing. In the end there’s just the cold, the silence and the loneliness. In the end, there’s only death.

~ Michel Houellebecq

Michel Houellebecq Death Humor Irony

It begins in the heart...and it hurts when it's true.It only hurts because it's true.

~ Morrissey

Morrissey Humor Lyrics Music

A witch, a vampire, and a pixy walk into a bar, I thought as I led the way into the Squirrel’s End. It was early, and the sun had yet to set when the door swung shut behind Jenks, sealing us in the warm air smelling faintly of smoke. Immediately Nick yanked it open to come in behind us. And there’s the punch line.

~ Kim Harrison

Kim Harrison Fiction Humor Rachel Morgan Romance Vampire

Anya jumped in front of the man, acting as his shield. “Now, Sabin. He didn’t mean any harm. He’s borderline stupid. You know that.

~ Gena Showalter

Gena Showalter Humor Lords Of The Underworld William

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

~ Rita Rudner

Rita Rudner Humor Money

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

~ Erma Bombeck

Erma Bombeck Amusing Funny Humor

A novelist can’t be without a kimono and pen!(Shigure)

~ Natsuki Takaya

Natsuki Takaya Humor Kimono Novelists Shigure Writers

When I die, I want them to bury me facedown and ass up so that the whole world can kiss my ass!

~ Julie Halpern

Julie Halpern Funny Humor

If you tell people you talk to God, they'll think you're religious, but if you say God talks to you, it's ten to one they'll think you're crazy.

~ Robert Fulghum

Robert Fulghum Humor

Patience is a virtue and the best things in life are worth waiting for.

~ Julie Spira

Julie Spira Computersinternet Dating Cyberdating Dating Advice Humor Julie Spira Online Dating Online Dating Book Romance

Vengeance is sweet. Vengeance taken when the vengee isn't sure who the venger is, is sweeter still.

~ Gary D. Schmidt

Gary D. Schmidt Humor Vengeance

Well, I'm about as tall as a shotgun, and just as noisy.

~ Truman Capote

Truman Capote Humor Self Description

The source of all humor is not laughter, but sorrow.

~ Mark Twain

Mark Twain Humor Mark Twain Sorrow

The dead are way more organized than the living.

~ China Miéville

China Miéville Dead Death Humor

And try to remember what we discussed, Susannah. A mediator is someone who helps others resolve conflicts. Not someone who, er, kicks them in the face.

~ Meg Cabot

Meg Cabot Humor

Most photographers have some kind of verbal patter going on when they shoot: Great. Turn to me. Big smile. Less shark eyes. Have fun with it. Not like that. Some photographers are compulsively effusive. Beautiful. Amazing. Gorgeous! Ugh, so gorgeous! they yell at shutter speed. If you are anything less than insane, you will realize this is not sincere. It's hard to take because it's more positive feedback than you've received in your entire life thrown at you in fifteen seconds. It would be like going jogging while someone rode next to you in a slow-moving car, yelling, Yes! You are Carl Lewis! You're breaking a world record right now. Amazing! You are fast. You're going very fast, yes!

~ Tina Fey

Tina Fey Humor

It seemed Lady Luck hated me worse than usual.

~ Julie Kagawa

Julie Kagawa Allison Fave Humor

I'm not looking for the perfect man. I'm looking for the man whose imperfections I can put up with.

~ Devon Ashley

Devon Ashley Humor Imperfection Perfect Man

How'd you get to be so good at this?I had a good teacher.Better not have been Myrnin or I'll have to kick his predatory ass.I mean you, dummy.Oh.

~ Rachel Caine

Rachel Caine Claire Danvers Funny Ghost Town Humor Morganville Vampires Myrnin Rachel Caine Shane Collins Teacher Vampire Vampires

I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am.

~ Samuel Johnson

Samuel Johnson Humor Humour Mankind Misanthropy

Something about telling that story made my gut grow back together.What?Oh, nothing. Just thinking out loud.That's who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of.The people who've been in your secret hiding places.The people you bite your thumb in front of.Hi.Hi.......Wow. My first Lindsey.My second Colin.That was fun. Let's try it again.Sold.............

~ John Green

John Green Colin Humor Lindsey

Oh for craps sake. You're not dying again, are you? It's seriously inconvenient when you do that. -Aphrodite

~ P.c. Cast

P.c. Cast Aphrodite Burned House Of Night Humor Paranormal Vampire Young Adult Fiction

I've said it before and I'll say it again, my lord. You are an evil man.

~ Tamora Pierce

Tamora Pierce Humor Jokes Kel Raoul

This book will prove the following ten facts:1. A Goon is a being who melts into the foreground and sticks there.2. Pigs have wings, making them hard to catch.3. All power corrupts, but we need electricity.4. When an irresistible force meets an immovable object, the result is a family fight.5. Music does not always sooth the troubled beast.6. An Englishman's home is his castle.7. The female of the species is more deadly than the male.8. One black eye deserves another.9. Space is the final frontier, and so is the sewage farm.10. It pays to increase your word power.

~ Diana Wynne Jones

Diana Wynne Jones Humor

How did you find me? If you hacked into the Club’s computer to look up my appointments - “Whoa, I think you overestimate me, shitlord. Last time I checked all I did was be in the wrong place at the right time. I saw you and had to - ”“Stalk me.”“ - delicately approach you. In a sideways manner. From behind. Without being seen at all. For ten minutes.

~ Sara Wolf

Sara Wolf Humor Lol

If not for me being stoned and clinging to a taco, it would have been terribly romantic.

~ Richelle Mead

Richelle Mead Humor Romance Taco

Corrival looked around. 'So is this it? Is everyone here? Erskine, maybe you should start the ball rolling. I have places to go and things to do.''Me?' Ravel asked. 'Why do I have to start it? You're the most respected mage here. You start it, or Skulduggery.'Skulduggery shook his head. 'I can't start it. I don't like most of these people. I might start shooting.

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Conversation Gathering Grudges Humor Humorous Mages Magic Skulduggery Pleasant

Happiness is being famous for your financial ability to indulge in every kind of excess.

~ Bill Watterson

Bill Watterson Humor

My ears are too beeg for my head. My head ees too beeg for my body. I am not a Siamese cat ... I AM A CHIHUAHUA!

~ Judy Schachner

Judy Schachner Chihuahua Childrens Book Humor Siamese Cat Spanish

The problem with defending the purity of the English language is that English is about as pure as a cribhouse whore. We don't just borrow words; on occasion, English has pursued other languages down alleyways to beat them unconscious and rifle their pockets for new vocabulary.

~ James D. Nicoll

James D. Nicoll English Grammar Humor Misattributed Terry Pratchett Vocabulary

When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

~ Graham Chapman

Graham Chapman Humor Humour Sir Robin

It only takes 20 years for a liberal to become a conservative without changing a single idea.

~ Robert Anton Wilson

Robert Anton Wilson Humor Political

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

~ Murphy's Law

Murphy's Law Dicta Humor Murphy S Law

My shoulder will never be the same. I expect you to nurse me back to health.'-Jace'Just break the door down, will you?'-Clary

~ Cassandra Clare

Cassandra Clare Banter Clary Fray Flirting Humor Jace Wayland

You're under arrest for multiple counts of murder. You have the right to not much at all, really. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

~ Derek Landy

Derek Landy Arrest Arrested Humor Humorous Rights

Whatever you do, in the privacy of your own rain shower, is your own business

~ Gregory David Roberts

Gregory David Roberts Funny Humor

Also, I think I felt something come loose back there. I'm not trying to overreact or anything but I think it was my uterus. Honest. I think my uterus jiggled free. My uterus is just going to come out between my legs and I'm going to look like I'm walking around with an enormous load in my pants.

~ Meg Cabot

Meg Cabot Humor

Fine, but if you get yourself killed I reserve the right to flush your ashes down the toilet while I sing the theme from Titanic.

~ Quinn Loftis

Quinn Loftis Humor Humour

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

~ David Sedaris

David Sedaris Attraction Humor
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