Humor Quotes

I was never really certain why he scared the bejesus out of me. Nothing scared me growing up. I’ve been playing with dead people since the day I was born, so it’s good thing, yet the Big Bad scared me. Which brings me to the reason I called.” “Which was to give me nightmares for the rest of my life?” “Oh, no, that’s just a plus. Why was I so scared of him?” “Hon, for one thing he was this powerful, massive, black smokelike being.”“So, you’re saying I’m a racist?

~ Darynda Jones

What would a racist call werewolves? Wargs? She kind of liked that one, but suspected that racist bastards didn't read Tolkien.

~ Patricia Briggs

I've learned that it doesn't matter how your husband squeezes the toothpaste, the important thing is how he squeezes you.

~ H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Get me outa here. F*ckin' creepy cheerleaders.

~ Lisa Mcmann

How’s Her Royal Bitchiness?” “Alive.” “Pity.

~ Nalini Singh

The hand on my hair moved to my back, and I realized someone was singing softly. The voice was familiar, and something about it made my chest ache. Well, that was to be expected. Angels' songs would be awfully poignant. 'I was working as a waitress in a cocktail bar, when I met you...' the voice crooned. I frowned. Was that really an appropriate song for the Heavenly Host to be--

~ Rachel Hawkins

I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticism about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it.

~ Stephen Colbert

By Aladdin's lamplit scrotum, man! Everything is a story. What is there but stories? Stories are the only truth.

~ Christopher Moore

It was a trap after all,” Alric said. He turned to Royce. “My apologies for doubting your sound paranoia.

~ Michael J. Sullivan

Gussie, a glutton for punishment, stared at himself in the mirror.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

College is the best time of your life. When else are your parents going to spend several thousand dollars a year just for you to go to a strange town and get drunk every night?

~ David Wood

. . I tell you Dain is a splendid catch. I advise you to set your hooks and reel him in.”Jessica took a long swallow of her cognac. “This is not a trout, Genevieve. This is a great, hungry shark.”“Then use a harpoon.

~ Loretta Chase

She wished, as almost all kids wish at one point or another, that she could turn into a pterodactyl and fly away and never come back.

~ Gina Damico

No. Absolutely not.''Simon,' she said. 'It’s a perfectly fine plan.''The plan where you follow Jace and Sebastian off to some unknown dimensional pocket and we use these rings to communicate so those of us over here in the regular dimension of Earth can track you down? That plan?''Yes.''No,' he said. 'No, it isn’t.'Clary sat back. 'You don’t just get to say no.''This plan involves me! I get to say no! No.''Simon—'Simon patted the seat beside him as if someone were sitting there. 'Let me introduce you to my good friend No.

~ Cassandra Clare

Fuck! Is one expected to be a gentleman when one is stiff?

~ Marquis De Sade

Age is always advancing and I'm fairly sure it's up to no good.

~ Jim Butcher

I wanted to stay this way forever.Which, it turns out, was exactly five more minutes.

~ Kami Garcia

Another night then,' Mom said. 'Maybe on the weekend we can have a barbecue and invite your sister.' 'Or,' I said turning to Rafe, 'if you want to skip the whole awkward meet-the-family social event you could just submit your life story including your view on politics religion and every social issue imaginable along with anything else you think they might need to conduct a thorough background check.' Mom sighed. 'I really don't know why we even bother trying to be subtle around you.' 'Neither do I. It's not like he isn't going to realize he's being vetted as daughter-dating material.' Rafe grinned. 'So we are dating.' 'No. You have to pass the parental exam first. It'll take you awhile to compile the data. They'd like it in triplicate.' I turned to my parents. 'We have Kenjii. We have my cell phone. Since we aren't yet officially dating I'm sure you'll agree that's all the protection we need.' Dad choked on his coffee.

~ Kelley Armstrong

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

~ W.c. Fields

Alanna: All I know is that I'm to jump when I'm told and I have no free time.

~ Tamora Pierce

Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.

~ Tallulah Bankhead

Mogi: Greg Parker left the hideout a while ago and bought a large amount of food. He's heading back to the hideout now. And I've been able to ascertain that he purchased multiple boxes of the same brand chocolate.Aizowa: That clinches it.Ide: It feels a little strange that chocolate is the deciding factor here.

~ Tsugumi Ohba

All writers should be put in a box and thrown in the sea.

~ Gordon B. Hinckley

Literary detection and firearms don't really go hand in hand, pen mighter than the sword and so forth.

~ Jasper Fforde

This is the problem with forever friends. They know too much.

~ Kristin Hannah

If you're going to sit on someone's tombstone, you might as well know something about them, right?

~ Nicholas Sparks

Is there a particular reason you keep biting vampires?Will touched the dried blood on his wrists, and smiled. They don't expect it.Of course they don't. They know what happens when one of us consumes vampire blood. They probablyexpect you to have more sense.That expectation never seems to serve them very well, does it?

~ Cassandra Clare

Eve: “If you ended up naked and dead with another woman, I'd do the Rumba on your corpse.”Roarke: “You can't do the Rumba.”Eve: “I'd take lessons first.”Roarke: “You might very well. Not that you'll ever get the chance, but you'd also grieve.” Eve: “Wouldn't give you the satisfaction. You cheating f-wit putz. Roarke: “You'd weep in the dark and call my name.”Eve: “Call your name alright. How are things in hell? You dickless bastard. And I'd laugh and laugh, that's how I''d call your name.”Roarke: “Christ Jesus Eve, I love you.”--Eve, Roarke

~ J.d. Robb

About three things I was absolutely certain. First, Edwart was most likely my soul mate, maybe. Second, there was a vampire part of him -- which I assumed was wildly out of his control -- that wanted me dead. And third, I unconditionally, irrevocably, impenetrably, heterogeneously, gynecologically, and disreputably wished he has kissed me.

~ The Harvard Lampoon

Hatori: SHIGURE... I WILL TELL EVERYONE IN THE PUBLISHING INDUSTRY EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU, STARTING FROM WHEN YOU WERE FOUR YEARS OLD...Shigure: Sorry, Tohru-kun. My lips are sealed!

~ Natsuki Takaya

But Calvin is no kind and loving god! He's one of the old gods! He demands sacrifice!

~ Bill Watterson

Have you ever been approached by a grim-looking man, carrying a naked sword with a blade about ten miles long in his hand, in the middle of the night, beneath the stars on the shores of Lake Michigan? If you have, seek professional help. If you have not, then believe you me, it can scare the bejeezus out of you.

~ Jim Butcher

my good qualities are under your protection, and you are to exaggerate them as much as possible; and, in return, it belongs to me to find occasion for teasing and quarreling with you as often as may be...

~ Jane Austen

The only reason I'm friends with any of you is because I outgrew the von Trapps, one annoying Austrian at a time.

~ Lisa Mantchev

You never get mad,” she said when their server left the table. “Except at me.”“That’s not true,” he said tightly. “Torie can get me going.”“Torie doesn’t count. You were obviously her mother in a previous life.

~ Susan Elizabeth Phillips

I don’t mind if you don’t like my manners. They’re pretty bad. I grieve over them during the long winter evenings.

~ Raymond Chandler

Save your explanations, I got some questions for you first and you'd better answer them!' [slurred Hellian.] 'With what?' [Banaschar] sneered. 'Explanations?' 'No. Answers. There's a difference-' 'Really? How? What difference?' 'Explanations are what people use when they need to lie. Y'can always tell those,'cause those don't explain nothing and then they look at you like they just cleared things up when really they did the opposite and they know it and you know it and they know you know and you know they know that you know and they know you and you know them and maybe you go out for a pitcher later but who picks up the tab? That's what I want to know.' 'Right, and answers?' 'Answers is what I get when I ask questions. Answers is when you got no choice. I ask, you tell. I ask again, you tell some more. Then I break your fingers, 'cause I don't like what you're telling me, because those answers don't explain nothing!

~ Steven Erikson

Whenever I think of something but can't think of what it was I was thinking of, I can't stop thinking until I think I'm thinking of it again. I think I think too much.

~ Criss Jami

Out of love for mankind, and out of despair at my embarrassing situation, seeing that I had accomplished nothing and was unable to make anything easier than it had already been made, and moved by a genuine interest in those who make everything easy, I conceived it as my task to create difficulties everywhere.

~ Søren Kierkegaard

And, drunk with my own madness, I shouted at him furiously, Make life beautiful! Make life beautiful!

~ Charles Baudelaire