Humor Quotes

All men have their frailties; and whoever looks for a friend without imperfections, will never find what he seeks.

~ Cyrus The Great

We're on a planet, relax!

~ Benny Bellamacina

Television's perfect. You turn a few knobs, a few of those mechanical adjustments at which the higher apes are so proficient, and lean back and drain your mind of all thought. And there you are watching the bubbles in the primeval ooze. You don't have to concentrate. You don't have to react. You don't have to remember. You don't miss your brain because you don't need it. Your heart and liver and lungs continue to function normally. Apart from that, all is peace and quiet. You are in the man's nirvana. And if some poor nasty minded person comes along and says you look like a fly on a can of garbage, pay him no mind. He probably hasn't got the price of a television set.

~ Raymond Chandler

THE PRESOCRATIC PROBLEM[all snap flags]Parmenides named his gun The Hot Power of the Stars. His gun was one, uncreated, imperishable, timeless, changeless, perfect, spherical. Spherical was the problem.

~ Anne Carson

To be, or not to be: what a question!

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

Free your mind from routine, keep your brain somewhere else

~ Benny Bellamacina

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.' But eating too many, is quite enough-plenty. And you'll have to go see the good doc anyway.

~ Solange Nicole

Theology, philosophy, metaphysics, and quantum physics are merely ways for God to have his smart people believe in him

~ Jeremy Aldana

You cannot be buried in obscurity: you are exposed upon a grand theater to the view of the world. If your actions are upright and benevolent, be assured they will augment your power and happiness.

~ Cyrus The Great

Nat: Maybe you broke something.Midge: I know. Never fall down, never fall down!Nat: Ah, it's nothing. I fall down every morning. I get up, I have a cup of coffee, I fall down. That's the system. Two years old, you stand up and then BOOM! seventy years later, you fall down again.

~ Herb Gardner

Would Crazy Horse have spent this much to remodel a kitchen?

~ Ian Frazier

What is humor?' one of their professors had posed, and he had answered, ''nondangerous, unexpectedly inappropriate juxtaposition.

~ Sena Jeter Naslund

Because this is another thing your average American man in crisis does: he tries to go home, forgetting, momentarily, that he is the reason he left home in the first place, that the home is not his anymore, and that the crisis is him.

~ Brock Clarke

After a dream like that, you're grateful that it was just a dream, that no matter how bad your actual life, it couldn't be worse than your dream life.

~ Brock Clarke

Pay attention to me.

~ Sally Quinn

How had they met? By chance, like everybody else. What were there names? What's it to you? Where were they coming from? From the nearest place. Where were they going? Does anyone really know where they're going?

~ Denis Diderot

I started studying law, but this I could stand just for one semester. I couldn't stand more. Then I studied languages and literature for two years. After two years I passed an examination with the result I have a teaching certificate for Latin and Hungarian for the lower classes of the gymnasium, for kids from 10 to 14. I never made use of this teaching certificate. And then I came to philosophy, physics, and mathematics. In fact, I came to mathematics indirectly. I was really more interested in physics and philosophy and thought about those. It is a little shortened but not quite wrong to say: I thought I am not good enough for physics and I am too good for philosophy. Mathematics is in between.

~ George Pólya

People say everybody has a book inside them, so why not make your life a great story?

~ Martha Louise Hunter

When the mind is free, magic happens.

~ C.g. Rousing

You can change your mind, don't let your mind change you

~ Benny Bellamacina

The Getsmart PrayerI do my laundry and you do yours,I am not in this life to listen to your ceaseless yammering,And you are not in this world for any discernable reason at all.You are you, and I am I, and I got the better deal.And if by chance we find each other, it will be unspeakably tedious.Fuck off.

~ Jon Carroll

If chance be the Father of all flesh, Disaster is his rainbow in the sky, And when you hear State of Emergency! Sniper Kills Ten! Troops on Rampage! Whites go Looting! Bomb Blasts School! It is but the sound of man worshiping his maker.

~ Steve Turner

Sometimes the only way to succeed is to fail backwards

~ Benny Bellamacina

Hey, I am thinking of it myself, in this part of world (East), we all do endeavors in praying and are sweating (white liquid) and this is our situation, frustrated , but on the other part of world (West) ,they are enjoying in party and drinking liquor (white liquid) but their situation is that, successful, I do not know that the problem relates to the type of liquid or the way of drinking!!

~ Ali Shariati

With a philosophy education, one can infuriate his peers, intimidate his date, think of obscure, unreliable ways to make money, and never regret a thing.

~ Criss Jami

If those at your top are weak, your bottom will be rotten

~ Benny Bellamacina

Children are like sponges, they start to smell after a little while.

~ Brian P. Cleary

But the goal of the arts, culinary or otherwise, is not to increase our comfort. That is the goal of an easy chair.

~ Jeffrey Steingarten

If one million of you give assent to the one thousand who participate in the murder of a child, then one million of you are a million times guilty.

~ Compton Gage

No crime is a means to an end. No crime can be rationalized.

~ Compton Gage

If one thousand of you participate in the murder of one child, then one thousand of you are a thousand times guilty.

~ Compton Gage

What's the use of complaining about something you have no intentions of changing it?

~ Mario L Castellanos

Nobody really cares if you’re miserable, so you might as well be happy, and make the most of where you are

~ Germany Kent

I mean really, how could an artistic individual stay grounded in the nitty-gritty of how many minutes per pound meat has to stay in the oven when trying to fathom the creative philosophy behind the greatest artistic minds of the world?

~ E.a. Bucchianeri

My ship came in,then it sank!

~ Brian T. Shirley

If your dreams seem to be drifting away, wake up!

~ Benny Bellamacina

Yes, you need a passport to prove to the world that you exist. The people at passport control, they cannot look at you and see you are a person. No! They have to look at a little photograph of you. Then they believe you exist.

~ Jeffrey Eugenides

If your treated like a puppet find a new ball of string

~ Benny Bellamacina

To be a philosopher, just reverse everything you have ever been told...and have a sense of humor doing it.

~ Criss Jami

You’re still a little shy, I see, the wizard noted. I think if you ignore evil, my friend, it tends to grow stronger. (Quinhelm, the wizard - from BRIGGEN)

~ Ann B. Keller