Humor Quotes

For me, the best thing about Cyberpunk is that it taught me how to enjoy shopping malls, which used to terrify me. Now I just imagine the whole thing is two miles below the moon’s surface, and that half the people’s right-brains have been eaten by roboticized steel rats. And suddenly it’s interesting again.

~ Rudy Rucker

The ultimate downfall of the computerized holographic receptionist was that there was no amount of flattery, flirtation or chocolate that could convince one to lie for you.

~ Scott B. Pruden

Nothing helps your partner keep his mind on Jesus more than having a sign of His love tanned on your primary erogenous zones.

~ Scott B. Pruden

When one day an expedition was sent to the spatial coordinates that Voojagig had claimed for the planet they discovered only a small asteroid inhabited by a solitary old man who claimed repeatedly that nothing was true, though he was later discovered to be lying.

~ Douglas Adams

Humanity’s first faster-than-light spacecraft crashed into Pluto and vaporised a significant portion of it. Oops. Pluto’s status as a planet had been a matter of contention since the early twenty-first century and had come close to starting the fourth world war at the beginning of the twenty-second century. Making it even smaller did absolutely nothing to help the situation, and humanity came five minutes, and one hasty phone call, from another world war.

~ L. G. Estrella

Um. Ways in which a sentence beginning with the word missiles could be a good thing... Nope. I got nuthin'.

~ Dennis E. Taylor

Originally it had had two settings: Stun and Kill. These had proved inadequate against the ridiculously well-armored skin of monsters from particularly rough planets, so I'd found a way to tinker with the built-in limitations. The dial now had a third setting, labeled with the handwritten words 'Solve All Immediate Problems.

~ Yahtzee Croshaw

When the emergency brappers went of they did what any dedicated, well-trained and quick-minded Service personnel would do; they paniced.From the short story What Makes Us Human.

~ Stephen R. Donaldson

Drop. Your weapon. And. Come quietly,” said a robotic voice. “Kiss. My ass,” said Zita, mocking the robot’s tone.

~ Ash Gray

I was sitting on the couch in the living room, pouring through an old sci-fi novel I’d found in one of the ruins, and I could hear the water bubbling as he cooked. The spaghetti smelled good, but I knew he’d probably put something crazy in it like popcorn or marshmallows, so I ignored my rumbling belly.

~ Ash Gray

Incase the title was misleading, this is the story of Qorth. He was an alien, but he was more normal, more boring, more goofy, and more ho-hum than any human I’d ever known . . . to the point that I sometimes wonder if he was really even an alien. To be fair, he did have “magical” otherworldly powers and some weird traits, like pointed ears. It rained when he was sad. His eyes were solid black, which really creeped me out in the beginning but, eh, I got used to it. He had weird tastes in food, like he would put ketchup on pancakes, and animals were sock puppets to him. The night I found him, it was the animals who led me to him.

~ Ash Gray

Some of them are mech,” said Zita, nimbly picking her high heels through the steaming pools of red goo and severed, wriggling limbs. She was splattered with blood and grinning as she came to them, but she frowned to see the utter bafflement on Rose’s face. “Hey, snap out of it. Haven’t you seen mech before?” She kicked a man’s severed head, and Rose gasped when his face slid off, revealing a skull of gleaming silver metal.Rose shook her head. “Mech are illegal. The government s-said they feared a robot war!” she insisted, turning to follow as Zita limped past her.Zita laughed dryly, folding up her rifle and tucking it under her skirt. “Is it so hard to imagine your government lied? Governments tend to do that.

~ Ash Gray

I had thought Chicago was inevitable, like diarrhea.

~ John Varley

Zaphod had never heard of this. He believed that he had heard of all the fun things in the Galaxy, so he assumed that the Total Perspective Vortex was not fun.

~ Douglas Adams

3. When making your dramatic exit, crawl along one of the web strands that extend outward from the center. Avoid the webbing that runs in concentric circles, as it's the stickiest. 4. Once you've escaped, say something snarky to the queen, like Sorry I couldn't stick around.

~ Andrew Shaffer

Don't needlessly draw attention to yourself. If you're twerking on the beach, a circling pteracuda could mistake you for a wounded animal.

~ Andrew Shaffer

It’s called the Pyxis,” said Raven. “Don’t let the fancy name intimidate you. It just means ‘box’ in one of those Old Earth languages, Roman or Spanish or Klingon…

~ Philip Reeve

Intellectuals always make a fuss about nothing.

~ Liu Cixin

Are you just a car salesman or are you a poet too?” “I've never been accused of poetry before.

~ Robert Charles Wilson

Waldo, I say-that is-aren't you tired, my boy? Professor Buckley, suppressing a yawn, was unaccustomed to others matching his wakefulness wink for wink, as it were, and seemed jealous of the competition Waldo presented in that regard. Who can sleep? Waldo replied. We're on another of these crazy roads, we can't find the interstate.... Yes, I suppose you're right. The Professor interrupted, taking off his thick spectacles and polishing them on his bright tie. I, on the other hand, never sleep, as I'm sure you're aware. Waldo smiled. The Professor had little in life to be vain about, and he wasn't going to stop him from expressing a little pride now and then.

~ Donald Jeffries

It is practical, but that doesn't mean it's right.

~ Pittacus Lore

Trust is dangerous.

~ Pittacus Lore

There's no set future, only the one we make.

~ Pittacus Lore

All of life is a test.

~ Pittacus Lore

Orcs do not have enemies.” Monde tried to search for the proper term, “We have…adversaries.”“Isn’t that the same thing?”“Depends on who’s winning the war.

~ Sabrina Zbasnik

I’ve always wondered though,” Orn mused aloud, “what does God need with a starship?”“Are you going to make that stupid quip every time we pass a missionary ship?”“Until they learn a new position.

~ Sabrina Zbasnik

Apparently loved did weird things to a girl's practical decision-making skills - Matilda

~ Devon Monk

It would be either a very skilled or very unwise man to steal from an assassin.” - Taliesin

~ Sabrina Zbasnik

They worried to an excessive degree about getting gender correct, as if elves gave a shit. Humans could keep their concerns about everyone’s genitalia to themselves.

~ Sabrina Zbasnik

I killed a couple of people,” Scooter said. “Wanna play cards?

~ Forrest Carr

Is it painful? the groundskeeper asked. I am asking for science.

~ John Scalzi

...and now over to our foriegn allegory correspondant, Barv Tweezman. ~The Shielding of Mortimer Townes

~ Montgomery Thompson

Unearth marvels as you walk the path,Stand in awe,Therein is the joy of life.

~ Barbara Neville

One moment I was sitting in your ship feeling very depressed, and the next moment I was standing here feeling utterly miserable. An Improbability Field I expect.

~ Douglas Adams

We have to destroy the radioactive brain of Madame Curie.

~ A. Lee Martinez

Just like the cosmonauts and their pee plants, all we have is each other.

~ Arthur C. Clarke

They hate you.Why?Cause you're a dick, Mitch.

~ Andy Weir

The main reception foyer was almost empty but Ford nevertheless weaved his way through it.

~ Douglas Adams

Humans had spent thousands of years climbing out of caves and building technology so they could reach the moon and live in caves again.

~ John G. Hemry

They’re only askin’ you to do one thing. From what Rogue says, you ain’t exactly reluctant.”“F**k myself into a coma. Sure, I can do that. Then what?”“Uh, wait an hour?

~ Michelle O'leary