Humor Quotes

The newly developed snarky side of my personality wanted to tell him 'There's no crying in vamp battles.

~ Robyn Jones

Then again, in some of our meetings, the Upyri bring cocktails, shaking both cocks and tails. Bitches. You can't live with them, they can't live without you. It's a lose-lose situation.

~ Yannis Karatsioris

Vampire politics make the very complicated dance of manners that is werewolf protocol look like the Hokey Pokey.

~ Patricia Briggs

As the middle child of the Laurel Canyon Adams Family, Whit was surprisingly chill on the subject of ampire-vays.

~ M. Beth Bloom

I thought she wanted out. We should've brought cuffs and a gag. Clare frowned. What's wrong with you, Blake? This is a rescue mission, not a kidnapping.

~ Jayde Scott

You haven't told her? Cass shouted. You're the worst boyfriend ever!

~ Jayde Scott

If I were pressed, I would admit that she was beautiful, in a dead bride sort of way.

~ Melika Dannese Lux

She is so tiresome. ‘Am I a vampire, am I a wolf, am I a vampire, am I a wolf, I cannot decide, so I’ll be both!

~ Melika Dannese Lux

Okay, okay, okay … go to your corners, boys. This is a nice Aubusson carpet you’re standing on. You get blood on it and I’ll have Fritz so far up my ass I’ll be coughing on his hankie.

~ J.r. Ward

How could I persuade the in-laws I was the right one for their daughter when, instead of focusing on small talk, all I could think about was not to kill them? I could only imagine what I'd say to the prospective in-laws, Hello, it's a pleasure to eat, I mean, meet you.

~ Jayde Scott

This,” Alaric explained to Sarah in what he thought was a kindly voice, “isn’t love you’re feeling. Only dopamine. Because Felix isn’t like anyone else you know. Being a creature of the night, he’s new and exciting and activates a neurotransmitter in your brain that releases feelings of euphoria when you’re around him…especially because you know you can never actually be together, and he seems complicated, and perhaps even sensitive and vulnerable at times. But I can assure you: he’s anything but.”“How dare you?” Sarah demanded hotly. “It isn’t dopa…whatever! It’s love! Love!

~ Meg Cabot

I’m coming, you impatient old coot! Keep your panties on!”-Skye yelling back to Hagan.

~ J.l. Mccoy

No idea how you figured out the riddle, but you scooped the first prize. Congratulations. You've just won a vacation to a big, relaxing place called a grave.

~ Jayde Scott

I'm not the one going for a biology degree. I'm just a philosophy major who eats people.

~ Scott Westerfeld

The Shrink always warned me that carriers stay wracked with lifelong guilt. It's not an uplifting thing having turned lovers into monsters. We feel bad that we haven't turned into monsters ourselves--survivor's guilt, that's called. And we feel a bit stupid that we didn't notice our own symptoms earlier. I mean, I'd been sort of wondering why the Atkins diet was giving me night vision. But that hadn't seemed like something to worry about...

~ Scott Westerfeld

Vampirism is not a contagious disease.

~ Alex Taylor

A calendar was hung in the kitchen as if to say: Expect more of the same.

~ Gary Lutz

I do not want chemistry to degenerate into a religion, I do not want the chemist to believe in the existence of atoms as the Christian believes in the existence of Christ in the communion wafer.

~ Marcellin Berthelot

My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!

~ George Carlin

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

~ George Carlin

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

~ George Carlin

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

~ George Carlin

Despite being what would now be called a deprived child in a one parent family, I did not grow up with an urge to smash windows or to bash old ladies over the head in order to steal handbags.

~ Eva Hart

For the first time I realized I could be more than a crawling little pile of bones and flesh in a onesie.

~ Sarah Lofgren

The play will begin at six sharp. Parents and family, I hope you'll stay for the PTA meeting that will follow. A few parents coughed in response. George knew that coughing was the adult equivalent of groaning.

~ Alex Gino

In one terrible instant, that terrible thing happened, the single most tragic experience of my, and just about any, childhood: boredom.

~ Harrison Scott Key

I wondered about my inner child. In fact, I was troubled. Did I even have an inner child, I asked myself, given that, in essence, I’d just been born?

~ Sol Luckman

He was, out of all sight (as I remember him), the nicest boy that ever spun a top or broke a window.

~ Wilkie Collins

I sometimes wonder what it would have been like to have a childhood that was _not_ like mine. I have no real frame of reference, but when I question strangers I've found that their childhood generally had much less blood in it, and also that strangers seem uncomfortable when you question them about their childhood. But really, what else are you going to talk about in line at the liquor store? Childhood trauma seems like the natural choice, since it's the reason why most of us are in line there to begin with.

~ Jenny Lawson

Polly had arrived in the world outraged to discover that her sisters had gotten there before her.

~ Liane Moriarty

I had heard my brothers and sisters use curse words but had never dared use one myself in front of anyone. But I had practiced alone in my room lots of times, trying out different cadences and into nations: 'Fuck, fuck, fuck you, fucknut. Shit, shitstain, fucker! Go fuck a duck, you asswipe!' My favorite was, 'What a fucking cocksucker.' The plan was to say this casually to one of my new friends while one of our teachers walked by. No one in kindergarten ever really got my sense of humor, so I was hell-bent on making my mark in the first grade.

~ Chelsea Handler

I'm not sure who invented dodgeball, but I can almost guarantee you that it wasn't the shortest kid in the class.

~ John Bingham

But we left camp after a while and we was driving in a real spooky place cause all the roads up near camp are dark and in the woods and we had to drive for a while to get to a highway cause there was no street lights or anything and nothing but woods and my dad asked me if I had a good time and I told him I did, but that’s really a lie and I felt like telling him what it was like at that mean old camp, but I thought he’d get mad and tell me I’m making it up and I thought I’d tell him some other time like Febuary and cause I didn’t think he’d believe me anyway, but so I changed my mind and then I thought I should tell him now cause he’ll wonder howcome I never told him sooner, so when he said that’s a nasty gash and when he said what did I do, stumble on the trail and hit a big rock or something? I told him no and I told him that lots of bad things happened to me at camp and that I never want to go there again cause I hate it and I almost cried. But he said I always had a bibid emigination cause he’s sure it wasn’t that bad! And I don’t know about those big words either, but what he said made me kind of mad cause grownups always think they know what happened to you better than you do yourself.

~ Timothy Victor Richardson

I lost something magical in the process of growing up – my disillusionment.

~ Bauvard

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

~ Greg Gutfeld

How could Mark be halfway across the world when she would have sworn he'd been in this room with her only seconds ago?

~ Teresa Medeiros

I asked you to marry me – and you laughed. You thought I was joking. In fairness, I was still dressed as a Cavalier.

~ Scott Jackson

I love trash. I have never believed that kitsch kills. I tell you this, so you will understand that my antipathy toward 'Love Story' is not because I am immune to either sentimentality or garbage, two qualities the book possesses in abundance. When I read 'Love Story', and I cried, in much the same way that I cry from onions, involuntarily and with great irritation, I was deeply offended...

~ Nora Ephron

Did you want to change into something more comfortable?” Adrian asks with a raise in his eyebrows, breaking me out of my train of thought, but not away from naughty thoughts.I smack his knee. “I'm comfortable, but I know you're not.” He doesn't mind dressing up, but on most days I see him in casual clothes like screen-printed tees and hoodies.“You're right,” he says, tapping my knee lightly, standing up. As he walks toward the hallway, he slips his shirt off the rest of the way. I can't look away from the sight, even if it is only from the back. Damn. What is happening to me? Have I gone mad?Before I can tear my eyes away from him, he turns around. Judging by the look in his eyes, I've been caught. I have so been caught. Damn again. I didn't want him to see me practically drooling. It's too late for that now.He smirks. “You know, I could spend the rest of the night just like this.” He places a hand to the hard muscles of his chest.I clear my throat, trying really hard not to imagine my hand in place of his, and say, “If I'm wearing clothes, you're wearing clothes.”“So if I'm not wearing clothes...” I grab a coaster from the coffee table and fling it at him. He catches it in his hand. “Just remember, all you have to do is say otherwise.

~ Lilly Avalon

He doesn't teach you what to think, he teaches you how to think

~ Lurlene Mcdaniel