Humor Quotes

I think it would be cool if we wore suits while we committed these violent acts of retribution. Not fancy suits. No. Cheap suits that we won't mind ruining. Then if we're caught by the police, well, think how amazing we'll look! All bloody and torn and grizzled.Plus, suits look official. They would add an air of credibility to our campaign of blood drenched disproportionate responses.

~ Joey Comeau

No violence, gentlemen — no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture!

~ Arthur Conan Doyle

You can take the barbarian out of the tavern, but he can take the blood out of your body.

~ Greg X. Graves

I was covered in gore, dripping in slime, and in a very bad mood.

~ Lavie Tidhar

You can write the most detailed, vivid description of an ax entering a skull, and nobody will say a word in protest. But if you write a similarly detailed description of a penis entering a vagina, you get letters from people saying they'll never read you again. What the hell? Penises entering vaginas bring a lot more joy into the world than axes entering skulls.

~ George R.r. Martin

What if it tempt you toward the flood, my lord?Or to the dreadful summit of the cliffThat beetles o'er his base into the sea,And there assume some other horrible formWhich might deprive your sovereignty of reasonAnd draw you into madness? Think of it.[The very place puts toys of desperation,Without more motive, into every brainThat looks so many fathoms to the seaAnd hears it roar beneath.]

~ William Shakespeare

I shook my head. I'm good, Nicky helped.Nicky looked at Edward. She's having one of those what-if-killing-feels-really-good, doesn't-that-make-me-a-bad-person moments. Edward nodded as if that made perfect sense. Then it feels good. We can't really control what flips our switch; don't judge it, Anita, and just accept it.I wanted to argue, but it would have been beyond stupid to argue with the two sociopaths in my life. Why do I have moral quandary questions with the two of you?Because you don't really have moral quandaries about violence, Anita, but you're afraid of being judged for enjoying it, so you only bring it to the two people in your life who won't judge you. I wanted to argue with Edward, but I couldn't. Well, fuck.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

One of these days I'm gonna beat him in the face with the butt of my service revolver until an eyeball pops out. These are the thoughts that keep me happy.

~ John Layman

The way I’d put it,” said Makin, “is that Rike can’t make an omelet without wading thigh deep in the blood of chickens and wearing their entrails as a necklace.

~ Mark Lawrence

Wisteria hangs over the eaves like clumps of ghostly grapes. Euphorbia's pale blooms billow like sea froth. Blood grass twists upward, knifing the air, while underground its roots go berserk, goosing everything in their path. A magnolia, impatient with vulvic flesh, erupts in front of the living room window. The recovering terrorist--holding a watering can filled with equal parts fish fertilizer and water, paisley gloves right up over her freckled forearms, a straw hat with its big brim shading her eyes, old tennis shoes speckled with dew--moves through her front garden. Her face, she tells herself, like a Zen koan. The look of one lip smiling.

~ Zsuzsi Gartner

Revolutionary behavior and violence are usually only indulged in when people are at their wits’ end. So social stability depends a lot on how long their wits are.

~ George Hammond

He said he loves her more because she makes him smile. Fine! I'll give him the Glasgow smile. Beat that, bitch!

~ Natalya Vorobyova

He cracked his crooked smile that made all women swoon except the ones who wanted to slap him. Faye was a fence-sitter on the subject.

~ Sarah Scheele

He wondered if it was safe to grin. Very slowly and carefully, he grinned. It was safe.

~ Douglas Adams

Sometimes you can't agree with people because you would both be wrong.

~ Shannon L. Alder

The question isn't who will be with me in life, rather how will I create the ending I am proud of?

~ Shannon L. Alder

One of the perils of life is to be asked a question which the wisest of them cannot answer. But a smile does the job.

~ R. N. Prasher

There was a rare quality about Nurse Grace’s smile. It was the knowledge that sooner or later her smile would inspire some witty observer to say something around the lines of, “Every time you do this, an angel farts”.

~ Sorin Suciu

Long before man traveled into space, rabbis debated how one would observe Shabbat there-not because they anticipated space travel but because Buddhists strive to live with questions and Jews would rather die.

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

Christianity and Buddhism are very much alike, especially Buddhism.

~ G.k. Chesterton

Let me give you a wonderful Zen practice. Wake up in the morning...look in the mirror, and laugh at yourself.

~ Bernie Glassman

His eyes passed over the solid shapes of the instruments and computers that lined the bridge. They winked away innocently at him. He stared out at the stars, but none of them said a word.

~ Douglas Adams

I slowly climbed the porch steps while wondering, what exactly did Elias know about my life in London; what precisely was wrong with his mind...And what was the heaviest item in my bag.

~ Jonathan Friesen

All through the night, men looked at the sky and were saddened by the stars.

~ Joseph Heller

You know, most men would get discouraged by now. Fortunately for you, I am not most men!

~ Pepe Le Pew

Huxley: Tell me something Bryce, do you know the difference between a Jersey, a Guernsey, a Holstein, and an Ayershire?Bryce: No.Huxley: Seabags Brown does.Bryce: I don't see what that has to do...Huxley: What do you know about Gaelic history?Bryce: Not much.Huxley: Then why don't you sit down one day with Gunner McQuade. He is an expert. Speaks the language, too.Bryce: I don't...Huxley: What do you know about astronomy?Bryce: A little.Huxley: Discuss it with Wellman, he held a fellowship. Bryce: This is most puzzling.Huxley: What about Homer, ever read Homer?Bryce: Of course I've read Homer.Huxley: In the original Greek?Bryce: NoHuxley: Then chat with Pfc. Hodgkiss. Loves to read the ancient Greek.Bryce: Would you kindly get to the point?Huxley: The point is this, Bryce. What makes you think you are so goddam superior? Who gave you the bright idea that you had a corner on the world's knowledge? There are privates in this battalion who can piss more brains down a slit trench then you'll ever have. You're the most pretentious, egotistical individual I've ever encountered. Your superiority complex reeks. I've seen the way you treat men, like a big strutting peacock. Why, you've had them do everything but wipe your ass.

~ Leon Uris

You bruised my ego, you see, and there’s just not enough money in the world to soothe my ego when it gets bruised

~ Jennifer Estep

...killing Dirk, killing anybody, was not going to change anything apart from Francisco's f***ing ego, which was already large enough to house the world's poor twice over, with a few million bourgeoisie in the spare-room.

~ Hugh Laurie

Of course, you didn't want our help. Now I have to go beat up some soldier just to keep my ego intact.

~ Maria V. Snyder

So-called intellectuals conceptualize love, fools just love.Fools breathe air, intellectuals (so called) breathe ego.

~ Saurabh Sharma

I remembered my little brother, Allyn, had appeared so innocent and angelic when he slept--similar to Kerrick. It must be a survival tactic. If Allyn hadn't looked so sweet, we would have killed him while he slept. He had been pure evil when he was awake--similar to Kerrick.

~ Maria V. Snyder

See, they say it’s ‘survival of the fittest’, but you and I really know that it’s ‘survival of the most heavily armed

~ Lia Habel

She had never really listened to anyone in her life; which, some said, was why she had survived.

~ G.k. Chesterton

Coffee first. Save the world later.

~ Caroline George

You can survive up to three weeks without food. You can only survive for three days without water. No one knows how many days you can survive without caffeine.

~ Andrew Shaffer

Life is mean! Don't lose your humour jacket. You'll really need it.

~ Nike Thaddeus

So does anyone have a good survival strategy, or is there no hope for getting out of this nightmare?’ asks the Colonel.‘We came up with a big, fat zero. I don’t know how we’re going to survive the blood hunt,’ says Dee.‘That wasn’t the nightmare I was referring to,’ says the Colonel. ‘Death by stupid comments is what I was talking about.

~ Susan Ee

Keeping an active mind has been vital to my survival, as has been maintaining a sense of humor.

~ Stephen Hawking

It criticizes me,but my 2nd quest give me deserve a second chance but it is my own survival,My friend.

~ Kurt Reiner Suarez

Louie was furious at the sharks. He had thought that they had an understanding:The men would stay out of the sharks' turf - the water - and the sharks would stay off of theirs - the raft. That the sharks had taken shots at him when he had gone overboard, and when the raft had been mostly submerged after the strafing, had seemed fair enough. But their attempt to poach men from their reinflated raft struck Louie as dirty pool. He stewed all night, scowled hatefully at the sharks all day, and eventually made a decision. if the sharks were going to try to eat him, he was going to try to eat them.

~ Laura Hillenbrand