Humor Quotes

Toilet paper unrolled and slitheredthen wrapped around my tummy.That paper tried to roll me upinto an Egyptian mummy.

~ Melinda K. Trotter

Then he kept to the back streets, and found a place that did a very reasonable double sausage, egg, bacon and fried slice, in the hope that food could replace sleep.

~ Terry Pratchett

Happiness depends on sound sleep, orderly bowels and regular meals.

~ Matthew Fort

I felt just the way I imagine the shade of poor old Samuel must have felt when the witch dragged him up from Sheol. Why hast thou disquieted me, to bring me up? In fact, I had spent the morning darkness praying for the wisdom to do well by John Ames Boughton, and then when he woke me, I was immediately aware that my sullen old reptilian self would have handed him over to the Philistines for the sake of a few more minutes' sleep.

~ Marilynne Robinson

I never was so immensely tickled by anything I had ever said before. I actually woke up twice during the night, and laughed till the bed shook.

~ George Grossmith

William awoke one morning to find that ― despite having no memory of it − he'd send a message to the Requisitions Department demanding ten thousand gallons of sleep (73% concentrate, with acetic acid stabilizer). The request had been rejected, but someone from Requisitions sent back a blanket and a pillow.

~ Bryce C. Anderson

Man's inability to get out of bed in the morning is a curious thing. One may reason with oneself clearly and forcibly without the slightest effect. One knows that delay means inconvenience. Perhaps it may spoil one's whole day. And one also knows that a single resolute heave will do the trick. But logic is of no use. One simply lies there.

~ P.g. Wodehouse

Are you always so cynical?' said Angelica.'No,' said Katherine. 'Sometimes I'm asleep.

~ Sam Byers

Be honest with yourself; set the alarm for the time the Real You will get up, not the Ambitious You, because the Ambitious You doesn't really exist.

~ Laurie Notaro

I spread eggshells all over my room, so anyone who tries to get close when I sleep will know what they're walking on

~ Josh Stern

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.

~ Jim Gaffigan

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

~ Jim Gaffigan

In bed, I can go for hours. Oh yes, I love naps.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Making love to a person in their sleep is the only guarantee they'll wake up with a smile on their face.

~ Bauvard

There was hardly an eminent writer in Paris who was unacquainted with the inside of the Conciergerie or the Bastille.

~ Lytton Strachey

Mankind's biggest blunder, ignorance. Mankind's second, infallible.

~ M.t. Dismuke

Yes, she'd made a mistake... but she wasn't going to be bullied. You couldn't let boys go around raining on your lava and ogling other people's watercolors.

~ Terry Pratchett

God didn't make Eve from Adam's rib. He took out half of Adam's brain by accident.

~ Shirley Jump

Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.

~ Alfonso X Of Castile

Today the same thing over. I've got it up the tree again.

~ Mark Twain

It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.

~ Terry Pratchett

But the law is an odd thing. For instance, one country in Europe has a law that requires all its bakers to sell bread at the exact same price. A certain island has a law that forbids anyone from removing its fruit. And a town not too far from where you live has a law that bars me from coming within five miles of its borders.

~ Lemony Snicket

There are two Newman's laws. The first one is It is useless to put on your brakes when you're upside down. The second is Just when things look darkest, they go black.

~ Paul Newman

When I pass the bar, you'll be barred from bars but put behind them.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

Though,' observed Sloan profoundly, 'where there's a will there's usually a relative.

~ Catherine Aird

Laywers, I suppose, were children once.

~ Jane Gardam

On the stand, I asked the witness, “What's your occupation?”“Make-up artist.”“Objection!” I replied, “Lack of foundation.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

The legal profession is notorious for complicating the simples of things.

~ Sarah M. Eden

A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the judge.

~ Magdalen Braden

On Wall Street, the lawyers play the same role as medics in war: They come in after the shooting is over to clean up the mess.

~ Michael Lewis

Life's a shit sandwich, my ass. Life's a polka and don't you forget it!

~ Wally Lamb

(after Quigley explains that the ghosts have been feeding off of their misery)Toma: So, what, we should think happy thoughts?!Duane: That is not a talent of mine.

~ Ashley Cope

If you take things the wrong way, be aware of which end is up

~ Josh Stern

Yes, life is hard, but it's not a bad way to pass the time. When all is said and done, I recommend it.

~ Nury Vittachi

When you get crapped on, grow a garden.

~ Tanja Kobasic

Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, and then everything burst into flames.

~ Brian P. Cleary

[Janco] paused. His eyes held a distant gleam as if seeing into his past. 'My first practice was a shock. I was a cocky smart aleck--'[Opal] 'Was?'[J] 'Be quiet. I'm telling a story here.

~ Maria V. Snyder

The vote was taken at once, and it was agreed by an overwhelming majority that rats were comrades.There were only four dissentients, the three dogs and the cat, who was afterwards discovered to have voted on both sides.

~ George Orwell

As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.

~ Robert Quillen

It's fun telling you tall Texas tales. You always look like a little girl who's hearing Cinderella for the first time.

~ Edna Ferber