Humor Quotes

A totally befuddled voter may look at a Vote for McGovern sign and do just that.

~ Hunter S. Thompson

Tribal Chief 1: The will of the people is what is best. That is what democracy meansTribal Chief 2: But if the people don’t know what they are talking about, how can that be the best?

~ Leonard Wibberley

Platitude or not, the crowd erupted into applause, and by acclamation, Kuni Garu became the Duke of Zudi. A few pointed out that titles of nobility really couldn't be handed out in such a democratic fashion, but these killjoys were ignored.

~ Ken Liu

The more I see of the representatives of the people, the more I admire my dogs.

~ Alphonse De Lamartine

As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death -- all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself. But our perfect democracy, which neither needs nor particularly wants voters, is a rarity. It is important to remember there still exist other forms of government in the world today, and that dozens of foreign countries still long for a democracy such as ours to be imposed on them.

~ Jon Stewart

Democracy is like a tamborine - not everyone can be trusted with it.

~ John Oliver

Mrs. Cole was a perfect democrat. She hated all kids equally.

~ Stephen King

Snarling an oath from an Icelandic saga, I reclaimed my place at the head of the queue. Oy! yelled a punk rocker, with studs in his cranium. There's a fackin' q

~ David Mitchell

The other thing you can do is write a strong personal essay which lets admissions people inside your life, your heart, and your world....Anyway, it can be hard to figure out what to write about, so here are a few suggestions:...5. Reasons it's wrong to be racist even though it makes sense to you.

~ Eugene Mirman

Mom talks about moving to Canada as though my father had requested she start wearing fun hats. Why not try it? she thought, instead of This fucking lunatic wants me to go to a country made of ice and casual racism.

~ Scaachi Koul

Could dump two Chinee down in one of our maria and they would get rich selling rocks to each other while raising twelve kids. Then a Hindu would sell retail stuff he got from them wholesale--below cost at a fat profit. We got along.

~ Robert A. Heinlein

Okay. I’m not a white male. At least, not predominantly so. And as I mentioned before, I’m in an environment right now where race is really important. See, Chinese men are not that physically intimidating. We’re not that tall. We’re not that built. We have exactly one thing going for us in a fight — that our opponent recognizes that there’s a possibility, no matter how remote, that we might know kung-fu.

~ Phillip Andrew Bennett Low

How's your grandpa?Still worried that your blackness will infect me.That's the plan. First you, then all the other blondes, and then on to brunettes and redheads. Once we have the womenfolk, all the babies will come out black, too. We all voted on the plan at the last Black Conspirators meeting.

~ Maryjanice Davidson

Last time I was down South I walked into this restaurant, and this white waitress came up to me and said: 'We don't serve colored people here.' I said: 'that's all right, I don't eat colored people. Bring me a whole fried chicken.

~ Dick Gregory

Young girls and mass murders are tender hearted creatures

~ Pierre Lemaitre

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, you're probably in the wrong bathroom.

~ Robert Leland Taylor

Writing is not always a writer's playtime. It's actually a work in progress. Few understand this and mistakenly believe we're wasting time. But it's never a waste of time when doing what you love.

~ David Lucero

Fill me in on the details of your life.”“I thought you didn’t give a shit.”“It’ll give me something to do while I wait for you to stab me to death.

~ Christina Dodd

Oh, God. Not again.”Not again? “Do you make a habit of driving into people’s houses?

~ Christina Dodd

It's amazing how good fifty and sunny feels after you've been bleeding in twelve with a windchill of go fuck yourself.

~ Caroline Kepnes

Confidence is highly erotic.

~ K.d. Harp

Never trust a woman hoarding a half-eaten bag of M&M's.

~ K.d. Harp

The assholes are always puzzled when the order of the universe is restored, when they are held accountable for their cowardly, pretentious, loveless ways.

~ Carol Kepnes

Ah ha!' the Doc screeched suddenly, wheeling around. ''The salicylic acid! Maybe it SHOULD have been heated first!

~ Clare Havens

I had a quack in the floor. So, I had to use ductile.

~ Andrew Sturm

Have a smile on your face for everyone you meet, and a plan to kill them.

~ Brad Thor

I don’t think Will Herondale and a sense of responsibility are even on speaking terms

~ Cassandra Clare

It’s adult swim time and I’m diving in here at the shallow end.

~ Suzanne Finnamore

It is naturally a sign of inner liberation when a patient can squarely recognize his difficulties and take them with a grain of humor. But some patients at the beginning of analysis make incessant jokes about themselves, or exaggerate their difficulties in so dramatic a way that they will appear funny, while they are at the same time absurdly sensitive to any criticism. In these instances humor is used to take the sting out of an otherwise unbearable shame.

~ Karen Horney

You are not responsible for the murderous rampage of an alien psycho, okay?

~ Pittacus Lore

Just because you are on a path to damnation, doesn’t mean you’re going to get there. Be willing to change your travel plans.

~ Wllm Worth

I make mistakes, I'll be the second to admit it.

~ Jean Kerr

Do you ever make silly mistakes? It is one of my very few creative activities.

~ Len Deighton

If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error.

~ John Kenneth Galbraith

Sometimes you feel as though you've slandered yourself, but the joke's on them.

~ Criss Jami

And, beginning to grind his teeth again, Pyotr Petrovich admitted that he'd been a fool--but only to himself, of course.

~ Fyodor Dostoyevsky

I’m relieved to seethat even brilliant physicists make mistakes.”Kohler looked over. “What do you mean?”“Whoever wrote that note made a mistake. That column isn’t Ionic. Ionic columns are uniform in width. That one’s tapered. It’s Doric—the Greek counterpart. A common mistake.”Kohler did not smile. “The author meant it as a joke, Mr. Langdon. Ionic means containing ions—electrically charged particles. Most objects contain them.

~ Dan Brown

What have you done?” Shadow asked her, his eyes alive with fear.“I dunno, but I wish I hadn't.

~ Keisha Keenleyside

You stand in front of an electric fence and whip your dick out to take a piss on it, it's pretty clear you're about to make a mistake. Other than that, you pretty much have no way of knowing.

~ Justin Halpern

At the last moment, she remembered that her Master might be watching her and, knowing that good girls bend at the knees while bad girls bend at the waist, she picked up the cigar butt, as it were, in style.

~ Sorin Suciu