Humor Quotes

Seasoned digital daters are like lions who have had their prey killed, butchered, and served to them on a tray in their artificial habitat for so long that they’ve forgotten how to hunt.

~ Maggie Georgiana Young

He’s so outta my league, we’re not even playing the same sport… He’s professional soccer in Europe and I’m intramural badminton in the States.

~ Nicki Elson

Dear Miss Tremor. You are smart and kind and pretty. I think you have really excellent stuff under your clothes and I would like to see it, please. Let's go on a date and get married and you can be my rodent queen in my castle in the sewer. Love always and forever, --Mouse. P.S. I am sorry my rats ate some of your candy.

~ Gail Simone

I may be taller than her on my knees. Does she need a man she can climb?

~ Carol Maloney Scott

I want to be the guy in a movie who's, I don't know, out walking his rabbit on a leash (I don't have a rabbit) and knows exactly how to strike up a quirky, compelling conversation. Though maybe if you're walking a rabbit on a leash, you don't even have to speak; the rabbit does the work for you. Not that Zuzana seems like the rabbity type. Maybe if I were walking a fox on a leash. Or a hyena. Yeah, if I had a hyena, I'd probably never have to start a conversation again.Except for, Sorry my hyena ate your leg.

~ Laini Taylor

You hardly know me and yet you invited me out on a date,’ said Miss Dearheart. ‘Why?’Because you called me a phoney, Moist thought. You saw through me straight away. Because you didn’t nail my head to the door with your crossbow. Because you have no small talk. Because I’d like to get to know you better, even though it would be like smooching an ashtray. Because I wonder if you could put into the rest of your life the passion you put into smoking a cigarette. In defiance of Miss Maccalariat I’d like to commit hanky-panky with you, Miss Adora Belle Dearheart… well, certainly hanky, and possibly panky when we get to know one another better. I’d like to know as much about your soul as you know about mine…He said: ‘Because I hardly know you.’‘If it comes to that, I hardly know you, either,’ said Miss Dearheart.‘I’m rather banking on that,’ said Moist. This got a smile.‘Smooth answer. Slick. Where are we really eating tonight?

~ Terry Pratchett

You know what you need?”“What?”“You need to think about what a badass bald man would do in this situation”“There are no badass bald men. By definition.”“What about Dwight D. Eisenhower?” Carlos suggested.“President Eisenhower?”“Doesn’t he qualify as a badass?” Carlos insisted.“Look, he may have been president, but he doesn’t exactly come to people’s minds when you ask them to think of a badass.”“All right. How about Kojak?” Carlos asked.“That police detective show with Telly Savalas?” Sammy asked.“Yeah, Kojak. He was a badass. Always cool under pressure.”“All right,” Sammy replied. “Let’s just say, for the sake of argument, that Kojak was a bald badass. So what?’“So you have to imagine how Kojak would deal with this situation we have in front of us. He wouldn’t be worried about whether this girl digs bald guys. He would just walk right up to her, knowing that he’s a badass and just take care of business. You see, it’s all in the delivery.”“The delivery?”“Yeah, the execution

~ Zack Love

Aves hasn’t mentioned a boyfriend,” Lock chimed in, “and we’re just dying to hear all about you.” Liar. My friends were filthy lying sadists.

~ Lish Mcbride

You men deserve whatever rabbit-boiling scenario dating crazy women gets you.

~ Rachel Hollis

His name is Tyson? I hate to break it to you, but you dated a brand of chicken.

~ Gena Showalter

Maybe love is something we’re meant to say casually and not regard as a prize from a treasure chest that a person earns.

~ Jen Glantz

New Rule: You're never going to pick up women at a coffee shop pretending to be working on your laptop. You don't look like you're sensitive, you look like you're homeless.The last guy to pick up a chick with an Apple was Adam. And when you sit across from another dateless loser with a laptop, it still doesn't look like you're working--it looks like you're playing Battleship.

~ Bill Maher

I understand we'll be attending your friend Miss Worthington's Christmas ball. Perhaps I'll find a suitable-- which is to say wealthy-- wife among the ladies attending.And perhaps they will run screaming for the convent.

~ Libba Bray

[…] I have a date this afternoon. Oh, Lord. Jake closed his eyes. Who are you going to destroy now?I beg your pardon?The hotel would appreciate it if you'd just throw back the men you don't like without maiming them.I haven't maimed anyone.You almost drowned Lance, you scared Peter into heart palpitations, you stabbed Donald with a fork, and you hit Brad over the head with a bottle. Jake shook his head. And they still ask you out.

~ Jennifer Crusie

Relationships are not additive, but multiplicative because you connect with his/her childhood experiences, past relationships, thoughts on money and more.

~ Valerie J. Lewis Coleman

Why do you have bungee cords back here? she asked.I'm dating again.

~ Maurice Pirelli

I’m only saying what you won’t. He’s a hunk, admit it. A tall, dark, exotic hunk who wants to bed you, and you must be a fucking nun, because it’s been three weeks since you met him and you’re going to have to remove the cobwebs from your vagina with forceps soon, they’re growing into intelligent life form—

~ Dianna Hardy

Dating is like pushing your tray along in a cafeteria. Nothing looks good, but you know you have to pick something by the time you reach the cashier.

~ Caprice Crane

I'm thinking there should be a dating site called Tap That - Jonathan Jack McVoy

~ E.j. Eisman

All in all, the lunch date was fine. Like an opened can of soda in its second hour. If you were thirsty, you might take a sip or two, but I carried more hopes walking in to the restaurant than I did walking out.

~ Heather Dugan

Dating meant nightclubs, heels, and black. It meant, No, thank you. Really, I'm full. It meant matching bras and underwear. Clothes with the word MICRO used to describe them.

~ Stephanie Klein

There were upsides to the whole mess. While Douglas was holding me hostage, I’d met a girl—I mean, screw dating websites and house parties; apparently all the really eligible ladies are being held in cages these days. I would have liked to see Brid fill out a dating questionnaire, though. What would she put? “Hi, my name is Bridin Blackthorn. I’m next in line to rule the local werewolf pack. I like long walks on the beach and destroying my enemies. I have four older brothers, so watch your step. We’ll be forming a queue to the left for potential suitors.”And, trust me, there would be a queue.

~ Lish Mcbride

Conflict of interest. I wanted to date somebody who was less screwed up than me, and she wasn't.

~ Jason Krumbine

When a boy's first romantic interlude is with Pheobe the Dog-Faced Girl, he feels a need to get out into the world and find a new life.

~ Annette Curtis Klause

Not that I haven't leaped up into the blinding light of competence now and then. It's sustaining the altitude that defeats me.

~ Lois Mcmaster Bujold

In the English language, it all comes down to this: Twenty-six letters, when combined correctly, can create magic. Twenty -six letters form the foundation of a free, informed society.

~ John Grogan

In any case, it's the cowardice of people like you who give dictators the chance to install themselves!

~ Marjane Satrapi

You are putting yourself in serious danger...'I think that I preferred to put myself in serious danger rather than confront my shame. My shame at not having become someone, the shame of not having made my parents proud after all the sacrifices they had made for me. The shame of having become a mediocre nihilist.

~ Marjane Satrapi

Fact: upon locking yourself our of your apartment you will immediately need to use the bathroom. Fact: and then you will stand in place and watch your door. You will just stare. As though rebuffed by it. As though it has done this to you.

~ Augusten Burroughs

As an adult, getting paid thousands of dollars a week to say, “Aye, Sir. Course laid in” is a seriously sweet gig, but when I was a teenager, it sucked.

~ Wil Wheaton

You know Becky, you haven't been the same since that crowbar fell on your head. - spoken by my mother after I eloped with a guy I'd known for about a month, when I was 18 years old!

~ Becky Lewellen Povich

Oh my!! How you've grown. Soon you'll be catching the Lord's balls.

~ Marjane Satrapi

Just because you can, doesn't necessarily mean that you should!

~ Bill Collins

Just because you can, doesn't necessarily mean that you sh

~ Bill Collins

Disney will never make a movie about my life story, and that's a shame--I'd make a really cute animated creature.

~ Kate Bornstein

A garden is never finished. In that sense it is like the human world and all human undertakings.

~ Karel Čapek

He clenched his small fist, bellowed his rage to the heavens, and resolved to never again recognize the authority of any man on earth.

~ Patricia Lockwood

Even now, every job I get, I worry that it will be my last. I think becoming a washed-up hag is sort of my destiny. So if you see a wrinkled old bitch wearing a tattered fur and chain-smoking in an off-Broadway back alley...that’s just me. Starting four years from now.

~ Anna Kendrick

I know that I'm crazy. And that has made all the difference. From: Furiously Happy: A funny book about horrible things.

~ Jenny Lawson

...A secure future seemed mapped out for me. Too secure, too mapped out. If I carried on in medicine, I realized I'd have a pretty good idea exactly what I'd be doing ten, twenty and even thirty years from that moment. It struck me like a halibut from the North Sea that that was not the way my life should go at all. What was the point of working on through the age of sixty-five and taking a chance on a better reincarnation next time?

~ Graham Chapman