Humor Quotes

The only thing which really seemed to pay off in life, if you went by Mary Pedersen's example, was sleeping with your superiors.

~ Jonas Eriksson

Lactose intolerant milk?! KISS, MY, DICK!

~ Lewis Black

You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really un-evolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. I believe God created me in one day. Yeah, looks like He rushed it

~ Bill Hicks

Nothing kills a party like an oversize metal hedgehog.

~ Ilona Andrews

I'm not into those kind of rivalries. I remember standing out in front of Stratford, minding my own business. Carload of about eighty kids would pull up: 'STRATFORD SUCKS!' Am I supposed to run after these guys? I'd just stand there, you know. They'd back up. 'STRATFORD SUCKS! ...STRATFORD SUCKS!' I'd say, 'I know. I go there. You're wasting gas, man.

~ Bill Hicks

Do short people reach their full potential quicker?

~ Benny Bellamacina

When people get into their 30s plus boyfriend sounds weird...if you really think about it. Instead, I think we should universally start using the term manfriend or snookie bookie cuddles pie.

~ Michelle M. Pillow

You called the guy you’re supposed to rescue a nerd, and you just referenced Star Trek. You don’t find that a bit nerdy?

~ A.j. Wiliams

CREONTA: Rope! My rope! Hang those two thieves by the neck until they are dead.THE ROPE: Alack, but vile and ill-natured female! Upon wherein did thine affections tarry when I didst but lie here and rot for many a year? Nay, but those fellows tooketh care to remove the wetness that didst plagueth me of late and hath laid me upon the cool ground to revel in a state of dryness. Nay, I wouldst not delay them in their noble course for all thine base and bestial howling.CREONTA: Then, you, dearest donkey, precious beast of burden, tear those two apart and eat their flesh!DONKEY: Nay, but alas for many a season didst you but keep the food of the tummy from me and my mouth when it was that I required it of you. These fine gentlemen of fortune didst but give me carrots of which to partake which I did most verily and forthsoothe with merriment. I havest decided that thou dost suck most verily and no longer will I layth the smackth down in thine name but will rather let such gentlemen as these go free of themselves. TRUFFALDINO: [To the audience.] Well, what do you know? Fakespeare!

~ Hillary Depiano

It's early on a beautiful winter morning. The house is quiet. The sun is shining. I'm thankful. I'm happy. My cup runneth over. Now there's coffee everywhere.

~ Mindy Levy

In life there are squares and there are circles, sometimes it's best to be an oblong

~ Benny Bellamacina

In certain circumstances, basically shit ones, it’s fight or flight. With Tommy it’s always fright and flight.

~ Terry Weible Murphy

What is she doing here? I wondered. Hasn't she had enough green-upping?

~ Lisa Papademetriou

The first moment someone calls for a revolution is usually the last moment I take them seriously.

~ Chuck Klosterman

...only someone who'd never been an animal would put up a sign saying not to feed them....

~ Jonathan Safran Foer

As for hearing, the sloth is not so much deaf as uninterested in sound.

~ Yann Martel

We were restless for ages...After a while I heard an owl hooting and calmed myself by thinking of it flying over the dark fields – and then I remembered it would be pouncing on mice. I love owls, but I wish God had made them vegetarian.

~ Dodie Smith

A few alligators are naturally of the vicious type and inclined to resent it when you prod them with a stick. You can find out which ones these are by prodding them.

~ Will Cuppy

If it looks like a duck and sounds like a duck, it could be a really ugly swan.

~ Timmothy Radman

There are 2,500 kinds of sponges, all of them consist largely of holes.

~ Will Cuppy

This was like being in one of those National Geographic magazines. We were among the natives now.

~ Brandi Salazar

Whales are silly once every two years. The young are called short-heads or baby blimps. Many whale romances begin in Baffin's bay and end in Procter and Gamble's factory, Staten Island.

~ Will Cuppy

As llamas have never heard of oxygen, they do not miss it.

~ Will Cuppy

We drove out of New Paltz heading due north. Squeezed into my tiny hatchback, among our boxes and bags, were my dog, Nico, the hens, and the humming hive of bees, its openings covered over with tape. The dog eyed the hive, the chickens eyed the dog, and if the bees weren't nervous they were the only ones.

~ Kristin Kimball

Infant wart hogs resemble both sides of the family.

~ Will Cuppy

One morning she happened upon a bit of cloth decorated with pictures of little red squirrels carrying small, brown,nutsacks,and she nearly fainted away.

~ Cynthia Rylant

Ugh!' snarled the Wolf, as he limped through the brushwood with his tail between his legs, 'this is perfectly monstrous weather. Why doesn't the Government look to it?

~ Oscar Wilde

I saw my life flash before my eyes. It looked a lot like a Chihuahua with a severe overbite.

~ Bethany Blake

Jill showed friend Kay the cute white mice.They liked to run races for cheese.Mice were lots of fun to play with.Jill said, Take Poopsie, the male one, please!

~ Melinda K. Trotter

Kaylee giggled as he tunneled up inside her sleeve.Out popped his head for a quick look, then he took leave.He enjoyed scaling up, down and around her shirt.What a sweet, funny and adorable flirt.

~ Melinda K. Trotter

The people knew then that Greg wasn't a monster, just a hungry animal.

~ Kayec Jones

If you never leave me, I won't eat your stuff. - Belle, Dog Only Knows

~ Terry Kaye

My person says I don’t understand cause and effect. That’s not true, I get it: roll in the mud, you get the bath. But what shedoesn’t understand is, sometimes it’s just plain worth it. - Belle, Dog Only Knows

~ Terry Kaye

The first commandment of dog behavior: Thou shalt not hump. Thou shalt especially not hump in public. Thou shalt not hump thy neighbor’s wife, thy neighbor’s leg, or thy neighbor’s Jack Russell Terrier. - Belle, Dog Only Knows

~ Terry Kaye

Opposable thumbs are overrated.

~ Terry Kaye

Such a nice ring…Dead Furry Friends Animal Shelter…so warm and comforting.

~ Angela Cervantes

Alma had been falling in love with a crazy terrier that thought “stay” mean to take off like a rocket. Gaby knew he’d already taken off with Alma’s heart.

~ Angela Cervantes

If a fox strangles a goose just to eat the brains, you wouldn’t say the fox killed the brains. You’d say the fox offed the goose.

~ Vladimir Lorchenkov

My family tree spreads wide as well. I am a great ape, and you are a great ape, and so are chimpanzees and orangutans and bonobos, all of us distant and distrustful cousins.I know this is troubling.I too find it hard to believe there is a connection across time and space, linking me to a race of ill-mannered clowns.Chimps. There's no excuse for them.

~ Katherine Applegate

New Rule: Stop leaving couches on the sidewalk. Besides being lazy and ugly, it's animal cruelty. You teach your dog not to pee on the couch, and then when you take him to the place he's supposed to pee, there's a couch.

~ Bill Maher