Humor Quotes

I asked What do you even do with a chimera?What wouldn't you do with a chimera? Jeff asked. They're like the Swiss Army knife of animals.

~ Chloe Neill

The first rule of snooping is to come at it sideways--when you began writing me dizzy letters about Alexander, I didn't ask if you were in love with him, I asked what his favorite animal was. And your answer told me everything I needed to know about him--how many men would admit that they loved ducks?

~ Annie Barrows

Know your load. That’s rule numero uno in this business, which is why I make them count the penguins out in front of me one at a time. I’m not going to be the schmuck who shows up in Orlando twobirds short of a dinner party....I know I’m pulling out of Houston with exactly forty-two Gentoo penguins, seventeen Jamaican land iguanas, four tuataras from New Zealand, and a pair of rare, civet-like mammals called linsangs. No more, no less.

~ Jacob M. Appel

I'm a dog lover and sex addict. Those two things are unrelated.


~ Dark Jar Tin Zoo

Yes, but humans are more important than animals,' said Brutha.'This is a point of view often expressed by humans,' said Om.

~ Terry Pratchett

But giving drugs to a cat is no joke, Kemp!

~ H.g. Wells

What is with these guys? Where's the thrill in watching snakes eat?I certainly didn't thrill in watching humans eat.

~ Patrick Jennings

All cows were like other cows, all tigers like all other tigers - What on earth happened to human beings?

~ Harry Mulisch

Our societies probably work best if they mimic as closely as possible the small-scale communities of our ancestors. We certainly did not evolve to live in cities with millions of people where we bump into strangers everyone we go, are threatened by them in dark streets, sit next to them in the bus, and give them the finger in traffic jams.

~ Frans De Waal

Said by Colin the dragon:It's somewhat bizarre to learn that many of you (humans)think that other humans are somehow different enough to be hated and killed, when in reality you're all all tiresomely similiar in outlook, needs and motivation, and differ only by peculiar habits, generally shaped by geographical circumstance.

~ Jasper Fforde

Monkeys are superior to men in this: when a monkey looks into a mirror, he sees a monkey.

~ Malcolm De Chazal

Maple thought optimistically that human beings, on their good days, weren't much dimmer than sheep. Or at least, not much dimmer than dim sheep.

~ Leonie Swann

Black holes are the last vestige of civilizations obsessed with tinkering.

~ Kane Freeman

let’s face it: Most girls are annoying. I mean, most humans are annoying, so it’s not specific to girls. Also, I don’t really mean “annoying.” I guess I mean that most humans like to try to fuck up your plans.

~ Jesse Andrews

Oh, why had the Labyrinth brought me here?As soon as I thought this, I chided myself: Of course it would bring me where I least wanted to be. Austin had been wrong about the maze. It was still evil, designed to kill. It was just a little subtler about its homicides now.

~ Rick Riordan

Such are the foolish dreams of idealistic children who believe that anything can possibly get better over time.

~ Joseph Fink

The only way to cry your eyes out and laugh your ass off at the same time is to have your mom or girlfriends present. Without them, the laughing part wouldn't be nearly as fun.

~ Shannon L. Alder

They watched the rain and downed their Cokes like a pair of diabetics in a suicide pact.

~ Paco Ignacio Taibo Ii

When you feel neglected, think of the female salmon, who lays 3,000,000 eggs but no one remembers her on Mother's Day

~ Sam Ewing

For many years, February was a difficult month for me after the death of my parents. My father died in February, just a week before my mother's birthday. For years their loss cast a pall over the month. I missed them terribly. But time has changed things. I see my father often in the face of my son and I run into my mother daily each time I pass the hall mirror.

~ Mary Morrell

Mother and wife are saints,If they are not together

~ A G Maran

Mother are wife are saints, If they are not together

~ A G Maran

WHAT DOES AN OLD MAN GAIN BY EXERCISINGwhat will he gain by talking on the phonewhat will he gain by going after fame, tell mewhat does he gain by looking in the mirrorNothingeach time he just sinks deeper in the mudIt’s already three or four in the morningwhy doesn’t he try to go to sleepbut no--he won’t stop doing exercisewon’t stop with his famous long-distance callswon’t stop with Bach with Beethoven with Tchaikovskywon’t stop with the long looks in the mirrorwon’t stop with the ridiculous obsession about continuing to breathepitiful--it would be better if he turned out the lightRidiculous old man his mother says to himyou and your father are exactly alikehe didn’t want to die eithermay God grant you the strength to drive a carmay God grant you the strength to talk on the phonemay God grant you the strength to breathe may God grant you the strength to bury your motherYou fell asleep, you ridiculous old man!but the poor wretch does not intend to sleepLet’s not confuse crying with sleeping

~ Nicanor Parra

What’s wrong with him?”“Nothing. He’s just. . just. .” “Just what?”“A peacemaker.” And she’d dropped her voice to a whisper. “What would I do with a peacemaker?” “The same thing I did with a whore.

~ G.a. Aiken

You ask me if you can eat dinner in your room, but you don’task me if you can torture Éibhear to take you flying?”Truly perplexed, Izzy asked softly, “Why would I ask you that?

~ G.a. Aiken

She hadn’t seen gold since she’d lastbeen to her father’s home, when she would sneak off to meet him.Smiling at the brief memory of, as her mother called him, “the onewho gave me the seed which allowed for your presence.

~ G.a. Aiken

She ran into the bathroom and powdered her face and the front of her dress, drew a surrealistic version of a mouth beneath her nose, and dashed into her bedroom to find a coat.

~ John Kennedy Toole

I get out of the car, and I'm blasted by the stench of body odor. Cricket is beside me, and he's talking, but his words don't reach my ears.Because it's my mother.Smelling.On my porch.

~ Stephanie Perkins

She had only two modes of operation: complete control or complete insanity.

~ Ilona Andrews

There are a lot of things I can't control. I don't know what's going to happen in the next few days.I don't want what I am going to face, what kind of choices I am going to have to make. I can't predict it. I can't control it. It's too big.' I nodded at my shovel. 'But that, I can predict. I know that if I pick up that shovel and clear the snow from the walkways, it's going to make my neighbors safer and happier.' I glanced at him and shrugged. 'It's worthwhile to me.

~ Jim Butcher

When I lose control, I lose my cool and I pass the point of no RTN.

~ Natalya Vorobyova

Not all gays respond to the same stuff. Would Alexander the Great have loved Auntie Mame?

~ Bruce Bawer

When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.

~ Annabel Crabb

When men and women produce a baby together for the first time, it's an absolute festival of mutual incompetence.From The Wife Drought

~ Annabel Crabb

Unseen University had never admitted women, muttering something about problems with the plumbing, but the real reason was an unspoken dread that if women were allowed to mess around with magic they would probably be embarrassingly good at it…

~ Terry Pratchett

Don't forget to give Neville our love!' Ginny told James as she hugge

~ J.k. Rowling

Colleges hate geniuses, just as convents hate saints.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

~ Woody Allen

High School: Oh, man. This is where boys and girls go from tweens to teens and become complicated and cruel. Girls play sick mind games; boys try to pull each other's penises off and throw them in the bushes. If you can, buy the most expensive jeans in a two-hundred-mile radius of your town and wear them on your first day. If anyone asks how you could afford them say that your father is the president of Ashton Kutcher. When they are like, 'Ashton Kutcher has a president?' answer, 'Yes.' Everyone will be in awe of you and you won't have to go through a lot of pain and cat fights.

~ Eugene Mirman

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

~ George Carlin