Humor Quotes

There's always a bit of suspense about the particular way in which a given school year will get off to a bad start.

~ Frank Portman

The roof was torn off the gym. God's way of telling the jocks that they'd better remember who's really charge.

~ Dana Reinhardt

Registration Day' by Gavin Gunhold (1899— ) Toronto Review of Poetry, 1947On registration day at taxidermy schoolI distinctly saw the eyes of the stuffed mooseMove.

~ Gordon Korman

teacher:I'm teacher, not because i want to teach children something. I am teacher just because I like to correct the tests.

~ My Teacher

The children start school now in August. They say it has to do with air-conditioning, but I know sadism when I see it.

~ Rick Bragg

I wasn’t a class clown, because my parents were very strict and because nuns in general have no sense of humor. I mean zero, zip, nada. I wasted some of my best stuff on those old hags! Look at these knuckles - those are ruler marks, and they’re still visible all these years later. But I could usually get out of trouble at home if I could get my mom laughing. That’s a huge ace up your sleeve as a kid.

~ Dan Alatorre

I'll pluck out my eye with a pencil and eat it with a Spam and mustard sandwich IF ONLY you'll sit me at lunch today, MacKenzie!

~ Rachel Renée Russell

When you're reaching the end of the semester and you just wanna die. Coffin Making 101 is literally killing me.-Karen Quan and Jarod Kintz

~ Karen Quan

Hey, get a load of those two! It must be mating season or something...

~ Rachel Renée Russell

Creative problem solving is not necessarily tantamount to cheating.

~ V. St. Clair

Joe was so tired that he had slept through first hour Spanish, second hour history, and most of third hour English. The English teacher, Mrs. Lane, hadn't taken a liking to that. She decided to send Joe to the principal to discuss why he was so sleepy, which Joe hadn't taken a liking to.

~ Belart Wright

I realized everyone around me was wearing a uniform. Black pants, white button-down shirts, green ties. Gotta love the smell of institutional equality in the morning.

~ Francesca Zappia

As Melissa got closer, the taste of school began to foul her mouth.

~ Scott Westerfeld

I love having to attend the one class that is being taught by a professor who feels that their class is the only class being taught at the University and gives nothing but busy work.

~ Heather Chapple

It starts innocently. Casually. You turn up at the annual spring fair full of beans, help with the raffle tickets (because the pretty red-haired music teacher asks you to) and win a bottle of whiskey (all school raffles are fixed), and, before you know where you are, you're turning up at the weekly school council meetings, organizing concerts, discussing plans for a new music department, donating funds for the rejuvenation of the water fountains—you're implicated in the school, you're involved in it. Sooner or later you stop dropping your children at the school gates. You start following them in.

~ Zadie Smith

Josh Funk and Hunter Fraser: we haven't been in touch in years, but you made me feel like the funniest kid in the world. I would stay up late on school nights to write things to try to make you laugh the next day in class, and you inspired the one piece of advice on writing that I've ever felt qualified to give: write for the kid sitting next to you.

~ B.j. Novak

Without discussing it with his mother, Anton went up to his teacher, Miss Katballe, and informed her that after seven years he was now quitting school. It was the best day of her life, she replied. With unexpected politeness he bowed, thanked her, and said, likewise.

~ Carsten Jensen

On the board, Mr. Beery had written Those who don't remember history are doomed to repeat it. I wasn't sure if this was meant to be inspirational, thematic, or a joke about making sure to study.

~ Gabrielle Zevin

Everything's temporary...until it's not.

~ Renata Suerth

Susie: Hi Calvin! Aren't you excited about going to school? Look at all these great school supplies I got! I love having new notebooks and stuff!Calvin:All I've got to say is they're not making me learn any foreign languages. If English is good enough for me, then by golly, it's good enough for the rest of the world! Everyone should just speak English or shut up, that's what I say!Susie: You should maybe check the chemical content of your breakfast cereal.

~ Bill Watterson

Your mission statement says Galer Street is based on global connectitude. (You people don't just think outside the box, you think outside the dictionary!)

~ Maria Semple

When Scythrop grew up, he was sent, as usual, to a public school, where a little learning was painfully beaten into him, and from thence to the university, where it was carefully taken out of him; and he was sent home like a well-threshed ear of corn, with nothing in his head.

~ Thomas Love Peacock

Teaching middle school is an adventure not a job.

~ Angela K. Bennett

I had been to school most all the time, and could spell, and read, and write just a little, and could say the multiplication table up to six times seven is thirty-five, and I don't reckon I could ever get any further than that if I was to live forever. I don't take no stock in mathematics, anyway.

~ Mark Twain

He'd kill you all right. No sweat. But for the wrong reasons. Amateur's reasons. Of course, you'll be just as dead.

~ Laurell K. Hamilton

Really now: If you can't get me my newspaper on time, how can you expect me to refrain from killing people?

~ Jeff Lindsay

Don't make me kill you at this hour in the morning Jimmy. It's not civilized.

~ Kylie Scott

Twenty to life, she got, with time off for good behavior. You come around next spring. I'll introduce you.

~ Alfred Hitchcock

It's like pretending to be Santa and then stabbing someone with a candy cane!

~ Ellery Adams

In another Christmas story, Dale Pearson, evil developer, self-absorbed woman hater, and seemingly unredeemable curmudgeon, might be visited in the night by a series of ghosts who, by showing him bleak visions of Christmas future, past, and present, would bring about in him a change to generosity, kindness, and a general warmth toward his fellow man. But this is not that kind of Christmas story, so here, in not too many pages, someone is going to dispatch the miserable son of a bitch with a shovel. That's the spirit of Christmas yet to come in these parts. Ho, ho, ho.

~ Christopher Moore

I could have become a mass murderer after I hacked my governor module, but then I realized I could access the combined feed of entertainment channels carried on the company satellites. It had been well over 35,000 hours or so since then, with still not much murdering, but probably, I don't know, a little under 35,00 hours of movies, serials, books, plays, and music consumed. As a heartless killing machine, I was a terrible failure.

~ Martha Wells

A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder.

~ Darynda Jones

I whispered across the bars to Jackaby as I rose, Shall I tell them the truth?Have you killed anyone? he asked, quietly.No, of course not!Then I can't imagine why you shouldn't.

~ William Ritter

It's a terrible thing, what we did,” said Francis abruptly. “I mean, this man was not Voltaire we killed. But still. It’s a shame. I feel bad about it.

~ Donna Tartt

The carriage could only clop along at about ten miles per hour, which only accentuated Imogene’s excitement. She urged it onward: Fly, horse, fly!

~ Hunter Murphy

If you wanted to kill me, why haven't you smothered me in my sleep? No sport in that. She gestured towards the ceiling. Can I expect to be strung up on that bar and gutted like a deer? He looked up at the bar and frowned. Too much sport. Lots of heave-hoeing. Big mess to clean up after. Instead, why don't you just drink the poison-laced whiskey? He extended the glass toward her again and when she didn't move he said, No? Okay then. He shot the drink. She might not want the edge taken off but he sure as hell did.

~ Sandra Brown

That’s quite the specific search...'Sadistic Old-Bag-Murdering Witches'—I can’t even begin to imagine what that involves.

~ Stacey T. Hunt

Don't make me cover your face with a pillow until you see my side of things.Isn't that called murder?

~ G.a. Aiken

You know, when the list of people who have a really good reason to want you dead covers more than two sheets of paper, you might want to start rethinking your life choices.

~ Rebecca Wolf-Nail

Don’t go,” said Cedric. “Murder has made you practically one of the family.

~ Agatha Christie