Humor Quotes

If you hear a prominent economist using the word 'equilibrium,' or 'normal distribution,' do not argue with him; just ignore him, or try to put a rat down his shirt.

~ Nassim Nicholas Taleb

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

~ Sam Ewing

Relative poverty is when you have more taste than money.

~ Neel Burton

There is an old saying, or should be, that it is a wise economist who recognizes the scope of his own generalizations.

~ John Kenneth Galbraith

it was Greenspan who through some excessive deregulation prepared the monetary ground for the rise of the subprime mortgage companies: a lending market that specialises in high-risk mortgages and loans.'Innovation', said Greenspan in April 2005, 'has brought about a multitude of new products, such as subprime loans and niche credit programs for immigrants'.It is almost touching to find out that Greenspan cares so much about immigrants.

~ Gilad Atzmon

All love is socioeconomic. It’s the gradients in status that make arousal possible.

~ Gary Shteyngart

What would have been the fate of sages if there were no fools?

~ Ogwo David Emenike

It's not like the Middle Ages, when you had the Church and the aristocracy keeping everything nice and stagnant.

~ Kevin Hearne

Two-thirds of all preachers, doctors and lawyers are hanging on to the coat tails of progress, shouting, whoa! while a good many of the rest are busy strewing banana peels along the line of march.

~ Elbert Hubbard

He looked at her defiantly, and she thought: and so one at a time we all become human—human werewolves, human dwarfs, human trolls …the melting pot melts in one direction only, and so we make progress.

~ Terry Pratchett

Dear Mrs. Black: On seven prior occasions this company has denied your claim in writing. We now deny it for the eighth and final time. You must be stupid, stupid stupid, stupid!

~ John Grisham

How long y' think it'll take t'git that wild streak out im?Well, Brother Tiggins, that'll depend on how long he can weather the leather.

~ Mars Hill

That night was a dark day. Of course, all nights are dark days, because night is simply a badly lit version of day, ...

~ Lemony Snicket

40Wednesday has been canceled due to a scheduling error.

~ Ceciil Baldwin

One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.

~ Terry Pratchett

Clever is when one is crafty enough to mistake your imagination for intelligence. Smart is when one assumes they are too educated to notice the difference.

~ Kerry E. Wagner

We were in such good moods, we even decided to hit Todd's house for candy. Sam rang the doorbell, and when it opened, this hideous, rubber monster face roared at us. Sam screamed. Todd started laughing and took off the mask. I yelled, Put it back on! Put it back on! Your hideousness is terrifying!Todd did a fake yuk-yuk-yuk at my joke. What are you guys supposed to be? Is it Prom Night Massacre or something?Sam sighed at Todd's obvious stupidity. We're zombie princesses, Todd. Can't you tell? She stuck her arms straight out in front of her and said, BRAINS! BRAINS!I patted Sam on the head and said, Sorry, Sam. You're wasting your time with this one.

~ Kristin Walker

I wanted to wake you straightaway, but I knew I had to wait several hours to ensure you were safely recovered.What! How long has it been?Five minutes. I got bored.

~ Jonathan Stroud

YES. BECAUSE THAT'S HOW I ROLL. LIKE A SUAVE THING. In fact, from here on, please forward my mail to 1 Suave Hill, Suave Boulevard, Suavieland, Planet of She's-So-Smooth-I-Can't-Believe-She's-Not-Butter.

~ Michele Jaffe

Just remember that you're on my list, Marcone. Soon as I get done with all the other evils in this town, you won't be the lesser of them anymore.Marcone stared at me with half-lidded eyes and said, Eek.

~ Jim Butcher

Could you attempt, at least, to make yourself presentable? I know this is a war, but the rest of us are trying to pretend it's a party.

~ Kristin Cashore

Is this the girl?” Kieran’s voice was very different: It sounded like waves sliding up the shore. Like warm water under pale light. It was seductive, with an edge of cold. He looked at Emma as if she were a new kind of flower, one he wasn’t sure he liked. “She’s pretty,” he said. “I didn’t think she’d be pretty. You didn’t mention it.”Iarlath shrugged. “You’ve always been partial to blondes,” he said.“Okay, seriously?” Emma snapped her fingers. “I am right here. And I was not aware I was being invited to a game of ‘Who’s the Hottest?'I wasn’t aware you were invited at all,” said Kieran. His speech had a casual edge, as if he was used to talking to humans.“Rude,” said Emma.

~ Cassandra Clare

Your wit is always such a delight, Mr. Zeklos. I can barely contain myself around it.

~ Richelle Mead

I don't understand German myself. I learned it at school, but forgot every word of it two years after I had left, and have felt much better ever since.

~ Jerome K. Jerome

The earl shook his head, exhibiting a degree of frosty offense that could only be achieved by an aristocrat whose wishes had just been gainsaid. “I’ve never heard of a man being so eager to confess to the parent of a girl he’s just ruined,” he said sourly.

~ Lisa Kleypas

Maybe,” he said in a slow, rural drawl, “you could explain to me why I found you in the middle of an orgy.” “Well,” I said, “if you’re going to be in an orgy, the middle is the best spot, isn’t it.

~ Jim Butcher

I’m not bipolar, I’ve just had a bipolar life foisted upon me.

~ Daniel O'malley

Forgive me, Your Grace. Are you suggesting a woman is some sort of … piece of fruit to you? One squeeze, and you know if she’s ripe?

~ Tessa Dare

The Amulet of Samarkand. It was Simon Lovelace's. Now it is yours. Soon it will be Simon Lovelace's again. Take it and enjoy the consequences.

~ Jonathan Stroud

You’d really give up your big, swanky apartment?”“If you don’t want to move in there with me, yes.”“But you love your apartment.”“I love you more, dumb ass.

~ Suzanne Wright

Kaitlyn froze and then said in a low tone, That'd better be your gun. Why yes, I always pack my gun where it'll blow my balls off.[Landon]

~ Patrice Michelle

Gotta have my make up, in case I run into Joey and he wants to beat the shit out of me. Gotta look my best! Maybe he'll punch me repeatedly in the kidneys and the stomach so it doesn't mark up my face. He's so thoughtful!

~ George Carlin

...Though drowned was just as dead as any other way of dying.

~ Mercedes Lackey

...Peabody had better retire to her bed; she is clearly in need of recuperative sleep, she has not made a sarcastic remark for fully ten minutes.

~ Elizabeth Peters

Time for the likeliest story since Mary told Joseph it was God’s.

~ Val Mcdermid

I'm working from the assumption it's going to go horribly wrong. If we get out of here with limbs intact and no aspen slivers in uncomfortable places, we're calling it a win.Merit/Jonah

~ Chloe Neill

I’m sure I have no idea what you are talking about PRINCESS.” He tilted his head and half curtseyed when he said the last word.“That! That is what I am talking about. Since we ran into the others you have been cold and more arrogant than usual.” She kept her voice low so the others would not hear.“Is that so? I would say I was averagely arrogant

~ B.c. Morin

I hope you're not smoking in front of her,' Lucia says to him.'Yeah, I lie in bed and puff in her face, Lucia,' he says, irritated.

~ Melina Marchetta

people don't generally believe themselves to be evil. Just strong. And they think that the world owes them something

~ Mary Elizabeth Summer

To my astonishment I saw him standing at a table with Kitty Jones. It was the Kitty Jones bit that was astonishing. Not the table. Though it was very nicely polished.

~ Jonathan Stroud