Humor Quotes

There is no off position on the genius button.

~ Cbs News

You cannot capture warmth in a toast, but you can capture toast in a warmth.

~ Erik Altenhofen

Well, the way you'd been, old ladyI could see the fear in your windowsUnder your furry crawling browA silver bow rings up in inchesYou were afraid you'd be the devil's red wifeBut it's alright, God dug your danceAnd would have you young and in his harum

~ Don Van Vliet

Life is a very brief candle especially when you burn it at both ends

~ Josh Stern

Children inherit their parents' madness.

~ Gabriel García Márquez

As the doctor treated the wound, Mazer said, I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.

~ Orson Scott Card

Hello, Bradley,' said Mom. She'd regained her composure after my outburst, and now raised her camera. 'Stand close.''No, Mom,' I said. 'No pictures.''But you're friend's here now,' she said, waving us together. 'Smile!''I don't need a picture with-' the flash snapped '-another guy. That's great, Mom, thank you. Send that one to Dad and tell him we're going steady.

~ Dan Wells

CHEERS, CARTER. At least you have the sense to hand me the microphone for important things.Honestly, he drones on and on about his plans for the Apocalypse, but he makes no plans at all for the school dance. My brother's priorities are severely skewed.Sadie Kane

~ Rick Riordan

He was cut from the scene like a case of the runs from a can-can routine.

~ Jack Bunbury

If you hear a different drummer, don’t march—dance!

~ Carolyn V. Hamilton

Do you dance? Or are you strictly a prop-up-the-wall-with-a-beer kind of guy?I dance. But I don't shag.She laughed. I think we've just established that you do.Not Austin Powers shagging. It's A Carolina thing. A dance.

~ Virginia Kantra

I made the sympathetic face, and the interested face, and even the impressed face. I did not say, 'In the name of all that is holy, cease this incessant drivel, you pretentious ass.

~ Meg Howrey

The Argentine tango isn't here to play nicely with the other children. The Argentine tango is here to seduce your women, spill things on your rug, and sneak out your bedroom window in the middle of the night.

~ Seanan Mcguire

It's a pelvis thrust, not a pelvic wiggle.

~ Jessica Verday

Woah,' I said, blocking the doorway. 'You can't come in here. This is the girls' r

~ Adam Rex

Now it is easy to perceive that the moral part of love is a factitious sentiment, engendered by society, and cried up by the women with great care and address in order to establish their empire, and secure command to that sex which ought to obey.

~ Jean-Jacques Rousseau

All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.

~ Terry Pratchett

The Americans, who are the most efficient people on the earth, have carried [phrase-making] to such a height of perfection and have invented so wide a range of pithy and hackneyed phrases that they can carry on an amusing and animated conversation without giving a moment’s reflection to what they are saying and so leave their minds free to consider the more important matters of big business and fornication.

~ W. Somerset Maugham

True Devdas are Authors

~ Santosh Avvannavar

I'll just say right here that whoever thought up the idea of paying dead white authors by the word should have a special place in hell with the rest of the sadists.

~ Heather W. Petty

A hint: perhaps in this case, you should refrain from throwing the book at the audience when you finish.

~ Annie Barrows

These days. Most of us have the attention span of a meth-addicted squirrel.

~ Kristen Lamb

You had to admire a guy who called his own new book a classic before it was published and anyone else had a chance to read it.

~ William Goldman

Any conversation including the mention of Roald Dahl, Ray Bradbury, or Emily Dickinson is one worth getting into or at least eavesdropping.

~ Don Roff

If my public existence does anything worthwhile, hopefully it at least demystifies the author a bit, because I know when I was younger I felt like authors were like wizards or something. Turns out they're total muggles.

~ John Green

I felt very close to God.... My friends say that's because I was always on my knees.

~ Armistead Maupin

[Reverend James] Dobson says that the [Spongebob Squarepants] video would be watched by millions of elementary school students and includes a reference to being 'tolerant of differences.' The nerve! Who does Spongebob think he is? Jesus Christ? Tolerance will not be, uh, tolerated. Oh, and tolerance is quite possibly closesly connected to gay-ance.

~ Celia Rivenbark

He didn't look anything like the blokes on that gay porn channel Rory had clicked on by mistake when he'd been trying to find out how to make a daisy chain for Leo.

~ J.l. Merrow

Why are you asking me? I'm seventeen and don't know anything about what to do when you're autistic and gay.

~ Claire Lazebnik

Will put his hand on Nico's shoulder. 'Nico, we need to have another talk about your people skills.''Hey, I'm just stating the obvious. If this is Apollo, and he dies, we're all in trouble.'Will turned to me. 'I apologize for my boyfriend.'Nico rolled his eyes. 'Could you not―''Would you prefer special guy?' Will asked. 'Or significant other?''Significant annoyance, in your case,' Nico grumbled.

~ Rick Riordan

With his arm back around Gavin's waist, Brad suddenly seemed very determined to get to their destination. Gavin was curious about it until he saw the restaurant. With rainbow flags hanging on either side of the sign mounted on the roof, it sort of looked like home base in a game of gay tag.

~ Kele Moon

So you do know! I shouted. My phone lay there like a genie's bottle, inanimate and yet containing the ability to grant me wishes and knowledge. Girl, spill before I come over and dye your hair a natural color.

~ Atom Yang

Let me understand,' Omar said, his brow furrowed in concentration. 'When played with cars, people could get killed. But when played with kissing, people could get...kissed.' He mused on this for a second. 'It seems like the better option.''You'd think,' replied Kaitlyn. 'But if you were to survey one hundred high school boys, ninety-eight of them would tell you they'd rather die in a fiery crash than be caught kissing another guy.''What about the other two?''Statistically, they're already kissing each other

~ Xavier Mayne

Who has a house for ten years and doesn't own a drill? - KerryA gay man who has the phone number of a really hot carpenter. - Malcolm

~ Jaime Samms

I have a question for you, but it’s kind of...um, personal.” “Yes, I’m gay.” “You really are a fan of saying that, aren’t you?” “Once you start, you just can’t stop.

~ Diana Peterfreund

'How old were you when you realized you were... different?' Logan opened his mouth, then smiled slyly, 'What sort of different? Gay different, magic different, or just plain fucked-in-the-head-crazy different?' Collin bit back a smile at Logan's delivery, 'Magic different.' 'Ah,' Logan said, 'Pity, the other stories are a lot more fun.'

~ Lia Black

Day leveled Ronowski with a stern glare. “Ronowski, you are gay, man. You’re tightly closeted. But you are indeed gay, ultra-gay. You’re fuckin’ Marvin Gay. You crash landed on Earth when your gay planet exploded.” Day moved away from God and stood in front of an openmouthed Ronowski. “Come out of the closet already. It’s so bright and wonderful out here. Dude, I’ve seen Brokeback Mountain too, don’t believe that bullshit. No one cares who you fuck…ya know…like you tell me every. Single. Day. Of. My. Life,” Day said exaggeratedly.

~ A.e. Via

Baby, you’re so much of a woman, you turn me off when I hold you.

~ Rhys Ford

If you're a boy, any display of sensitivity is gay. Compassion is gay. Crying is supergay. Reading is usually gay. Certain songs and types of music are gay. 'Enola Gay' would certainly be thought gay. Love songs are gay. Love itself is incredibly gay, as are any other heartfelt emotions. Singing is gay, but chanting is not gay. Wanking contests are not gay. Neither is all-male cuddling during specially designated periods in football matches, or communal bathing thereafter. (I didn't invent the rules of gay - I'm just telling you what they are.)

~ Gavin Extence

I was convinced that there was at least a seventy-three percent chance he was gay. I bumped it up from sixty-eight after our third game. Zack showed up wearing a light pink shirt that was tighter than usual.

~ Kyle Adams