Humor Quotes

GUYS! Would you give it a rest? Kevin shouted at them, You're standing there feeding off each other! Dad – you're trying to prove to Ted why me and Dani are a Bad Thing – because you just can't bring yourself to admit that it isn't, even though you can SEE that it isn't! You know it! And Ted – you're pushing my dad's buttons on purpose because you're not so sure yourself how you really feel about us - her, me, any of it! So both of ya just SHUT THE HELL UP! He turned back towards Dani, Dani – you're beautiful and I love you – but this wasn't one of your best ideas. Now everyone just be quiet while I hit the stupid little white ball and make it go into the stupid little round hole! GAWD!All three of them stared at Kevin while he swung. The stupid little white ball flew straight and high, and landed on the green. Apparently a little focus – no matter what it was directed towards – was just what Kevin needed.

~ Failte

...our witness, one Edward Littleton, was as gay as Elton John's handbag.

~ Ann Somerville

she was lying to him.”“But she is lying to him. You are lying to him aren't you?” Darren askedas he turned to me.“Of course!”“But the priest didn't know she was lying. Afterward, Moira had to chaseJacobi down to tell him the truth and then he hit her.”“He hit you?!”“Just in the arm. And even though it was supposed to be a hit it feltmore like a love tap.”“You guys! Y'all are making me skip over the best part!”“Right, the part where Moira is doomed to burn in hell. I almost forgot.Go ahead,” Darren encouraged.

~ Kaitlin Scott

It turns out there is something worse than attending a wedding where you don't know anyone: attending a wedding where you know six people, and they are all your ex-husband's best friends.

~ Lauren F. Winner

FatherMichael:OK we should get on with this; I don’t want to be late for my 2 o’clock. First I have to ask, is there anyone in here who thinks there is any reason why these two should not be married?LonelyLady:Yes.SureOne:I could give more than one reason.Buttercup:Hell yes.SoOverHim:DON’T DO IT!

~ Cecelia Ahern

Whenever you want to marry someone, go have lunch with his ex-wife

~ Shelley Winters

Never make a person feel, that he/she is very (extra) special.. Cause, then that person starts feeling that 'You' are not worth him/her.

~ Honeya

WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING?! Oh, right.$1500. From Clown Porn in Broken Headbone

~ Ginny Mcmath

Life - with or without softener- is hard

~ Kate Papas

If a tree falls in the forest and kills your ex-wife, what do you do with the lumber?

~ Neil S. Plakcy

Hold the bottle up to the light, you will see your dreams are always at the bottom.

~ Rob Hutchison

There are two things you should never do alone: one is get divorced, the other is drink.

~ Cheryl Nielsen

We were fighting about nothing important while dreaming of the same things.

~ Boy George

I had a dream about you last week. It was October 31, 2002 and we met at a Halloween party. You came dressed as yourself; I knew you’ve been hiding your true self all this time.

~ Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you last night... in it, I tried to sell a squirrel a deposit box to store his nuts in. He stole my cashews in the complimentary snack basket.

~ Marshall Ramsay

I had a dream about you; you were a zombie in a post-apocalyptic world. I was the only human left, you tried to bite me and I said no. We became good friends.

~ Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you. We were actors in a horror movie and I was hunting you down with a knife. When I finally cornered you the director yelled Cut.... What? I can't be blamed for following instructions.

~ Georgia Saratsioti

I had a dream about you. We were married and I walked into the room to see you in my new black dress and high heels and I said That's not what I meant when I said I bought them for you.

~ Georgia Saratsioti

I had a dream about you last night. In this dream we were walking down the beautiful Japanese streets of Florida. Fukuoka is nice in the summer.

~ Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you last night, you were the same piece of S**t I know and hate in real life.

~ Rodney Jenkins

I had a dream about you. Your skin was sandpaper and your armpits were hollow, filled with dark chocolate and prunes. You offered me coffee and when I said no you handed me black coffee with a note that read 12 reasons not to drink coffee. I knew we would get along.

~ Melody Sohayegh

I had a dream about you… but I don’t know you…who are you?

~ Rodney Jenkins

I do not understand what makes mothers think they are walking-talking thermometers.But I think somewhere during the process of giving birth and changing diapers, they actually begin to belive they have this supernatural sense.

~ Melody Carlson

(This is from me: I found this and I'm dying I apologize for any non-Supernatural fans out there but omg the fandom must read this.)Dean: Dad, this is Cas.John: I'm not working with any other hunters, Dean.Dean: He's not a hunter, Dad. He's an angel. John: Well, I knew you were gay but that's no way to introduce me to your boyfriend.Dean: What? No Dad, he's literally an angel. From Heaven.

~ Dean Winchester Jensen Ackles

I blew that clay pigeon to smithereens. I don't know why Mum got so upset. According to Uncle Andrew she's a crack shot herself. But she says I'm too young. What I'd like to know is how old does a person have to be before they get to do all the fun stuff?

~ R.l. Lafevers

The last wendigo died in 1962, or so the story goes. Reputedly, he (it?) stood in front of the train to Churchill, Manitoba, believing that the train would stop for him, a supernatural being, and then he would be able to eat the passengers. The train ran him over. Sic transit gloria mundi.

~ Lawrence Millman

To call the place an anthill would be like calling the Versailles Palace a single-family home. Earthen ramparts rose almost to the tops of the surrounding trees--a hundred feet at least. The circumference could have accommodated a Roman hippodrome. A steady stream of soldiers and drones swarmed in and out of the mound. Some carried fallen trees. One, inexplicably, was dragging a 1967 Chevy Impala.

~ Rick Riordan

But it's the science of the stars!She thinks it's Satanic. You gave her daughter a pentagram.It's a natal chart, duh. You can't let ignorance trump science here, Miss Mary!

~ Felicia Day

. In gym, she would purposely get on the opposite team of me and since we were still doing dodge ball; she would try to hit me. This brings us to one of the only things I understood from my brother and dad when they were explaining stuff to me: I now had quicker reflexes thanks to the awakened shifter gene. She couldn’t hit me even if the ball got launched by a canon.Well, maybe not a canon, but something that would launch it pretty fast.

~ Sara Massa

A crazy old lady, leading a band of teenagers against an angry supernatural Entity - who’da thought?

~ Diane M. Haynes

The werewolf pointed at a bench next to the door into the Kirkwoods’ tomb. “Sit. Wait.”Did I mention werewolves were chatty?

~ Mindee Arnett

My dad was nothing but a bingo call.

~ Ripley Patton

You know,” he said, “P.S.S. Piss Camp.” “Yeah, I get it,” I said, “It’s just not funny.

~ Ripley Patton

Let’s just say, there’s not much of a moon out tonight,” Nose continued anyway, “but if Yale joined us, there would be.

~ Ripley Patton

I only read books if Voltaire's cock has been dipped in red ink and rolled over the cover.

~ Greg Proops

Very well. He sat cross-legged on the floor of the cage. You haven't run off so you want to talk. I will hear your explanation now.Really, Your Majesty? So good of you to condescend. I'll try to use small words and go slow.You're wasting my time. I know Jim betrayed me and you're covering for him. This is your chance to dazzle me wih your brillance or baffle me with your bullshit. You won't get another. When I get out, I won't be in the mood to listen.

~ Ilona Andrews

Melody began to mumble incomprehensibly under her breath as she worked frantically on securing her most important papers into bankers boxes. Her father stomped into her room, eating a banana. Melody looked up at him with a sweaty and nauseated look on her face. “What are you tramping around so heavily about?” she asked him. Bernie finished the last of the banana, and then held the peel in his hand as though it were a washcloth he had just found on the floor of a gym locker room. Melody pointed to her trashcan with her eyes. “I make an insane amount of noise when I approach you, because you once yelled at me claiming that I was 'sneaking up on you',” Bernie replied, using finger quotes on the last phrase. “That kind of treatment stays with a guy.” Melody shook her head. Her father knew how much she hated finger quotes. Why he insisted on using them was beyond her. “I was five at the time”, she said. “Ah,” Bernie said, with a knowing grin on his face. “The angry period.

~ B.m.b. Johnson

I don’t think we’ve been introduced,” I said. “My name’s Zara. I’m strong, I’m fast, and I totally kick ass. It’s great to be me...but that means right now it sucks to be you.

~ Skyla Dawn Cameron

The room continued to spin though she was standing still, but her ears were hot. She felt like she'd just slammed three doubles of tequila and needed a fistfight chaser.

~ Michael R. Underwood

Rhiannon Anna Maria Reyes, (Strength 10, Dexterity 14, Stamina 12, Will 17, IQ 16 and Charisma 15 -- Geek 7 / Barista 3 / Screenwriter 2 / Gamer Girl 2) was Bryan’s secret weapon. Rhiannon (known to practically everyone as “Ree”) kept the café in fabulous baked goods, talked authoritatively about subjects from Aliens to Zork, and drew the attentions of countless lovelorn geeks.

~ Michael R. Underwood